People tell you it will.... but I think the jury is still out as far as I am concerned. In the beginning it was new, there were a lot of adjustments to make... but now... now I feel like: OK enough is enough! I have been doing this too long. I don't want to do it any more. He can come back now!
Maybe you get used to it - so the hurt isn't so raw. But it is still there, it has only changed.
Of course, 5 years ago today I stood at a graveside in the freezing cold watching as they lowered my husband's body into the ground. So surreal. The feelings I had in that very moment so easily and speedily return when I just think for a moment of that day....
It has been 21 days for me now. I feel 21 times more lonely and sad. I also feel an unbearable guilt. I am afraid he was not very happy and although his was a death resulting from illness I believe being tired about his life could have contributed...I will NEVER KNOW! I love him. I desperately look for signs.
ReplyDeleteTake this advice Mariajaan... take the embers from your life with him and leave the ashes. I have remarried and I am desperate to remember to never be ungrateful for my husband.. but guess what? Life is real. I am imperfect and even given all the perspective that my widowhood taught me, I am still a pain in the neck. But... my first husband knew I loved him.. I know he did. I have to believe he did. I could have gone crazy with wonder. Come what may and find a way to love it. Make a list of your embers.. the good things that happened. Leave the ashes. Feel his love for you.
ReplyDeleteDoes it get easier? You become more emotionally able to handle the loneliness. And the loneliness exaggerates the pain of the loss. But really... it wasn't until I had someone else in my life completely that I no longer felt the pain. For me... that was years later (6.5).
You will get stronger. Every day. You may not feel it, but trust me, it is happening. Just keep getting up and keep going and your emotional muscles will grow. Feel his love for you. Accept the love from others around you. You need that love.