Thursday, September 17, 2015

Today, Over 10 Years Later

Every now and then... life is happening and the reality of it sneaks up on you and you start crying.   It is true.

My 'baby' turned sixteen a couple weeks ago (after my middle child was off to college).  At sixteen in our church there are some significant events, especially for the Young Men.  And those events are made even more special when they are shared with a father and son.

Family helps out, and the Lord lines up the tender mercies, so even when I don't think of filling gaps - they get filled.

It was the realization of His tenderness and love that overwhelmed me a couple of weeks ago.  I just burst into tears.  My son was embarrassed as I publicly cried as I bore testimony of the loving grace of our Savior Jesus Christ and of His tender mercies that fill the cracks in my side walk. I didn't expect the tears - but sometimes I am just so full of gratitude that I burst.... and the tears pour out.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Because I Stopped Playing

My oldest turned 18 this past week.  18.  I was walking in a store and out of nowhere the tears started to flow.

This was not the life I wanted. Nor was it the life I thought my decisions would lead me to. I was a fun person and I wanted a fun home with laughter and joy. 

Maybe that is how my grandkids will view my home... but it is not how my children will.  I wanted the house where all the kids' friends wanted to come.

George Bernard Shaw said, “We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”

I think I stopped playing.  The question becomes, can I start to play and regain my youth?

My second anniversary is approaching.  My oldest needed a Dad... and he has found one in my new husband. My husband has been a great blessing to him.... and to all of us.  It feels like the last couple years have been years of recovery. 

We need to play again.

In the spirit of playing... next week I am off to the Shaw Festival.  I will have to remember what Mr. Shaw said... and hope that I can regain my youth by playing.

Thursday, February 23, 2012


Dieter F. Uchtdorf:

"Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him. Have hope and faith in that promise. Learn to love your Heavenly Father and become His disciple in word and in deed.

Be assured that if you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful in keeping the commandments, one day you will experience for yourself the promises revealed to the Apostle Paul: “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him” (1 Corinthians 2:9).

Brothers and sisters, the most powerful Being in the universe is the Father of your spirit. He knows you. He loves you with a perfect love.

God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him."

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Tender Mercies

I read this today... and I remembered hearing it just months after Chris' passing.

Married life has given me lots of opportunities to think back over the past several years.  Mostly I mourn.  When I see certain behaviour in my kids, and I know that it comes from the years of single parenthood and coping and grieving.  They were long years and when I think of them I wonder how I made it through... but I don't wonder long until I remember that it was through the Tender Mercies of God that I felt peace and strength and that I was able to carry on.

Read it... it's a good read!

Friday, December 2, 2011


At least that is two things I can tell you so far.

1.  You may find out the healing is not quite done... even if you think it is. Because once you hit a safe place in life... your body may decide to finish the crying it started and never finished.

2.  Sometimes your past comes back to bite you in the butt!  My husband went in for a routine procedure today... and all I could think of was last time I took my husband in for a routine procedure... my life changed.  Thankfully, today the procedure is over and life is just as it was before.

Monday, October 10, 2011


I think it was probably perfect that I was ornery and crabby to the dear man the night he proposed.  It sets the stage for life in all reality... right?   He cannot say he didn't know what he was getting into.  :)

We had a perfect wedding.  He, me and our six kids, a friend to marry us and two friends to witness.  Right in the living room. A dinner with just us and the kids followed in the dining room and a couple months later a summer picnic to celebrate our new life, our new beginning on our lawn.

I am so grateful for him.  I try everyday to not take him for granted and to remember all the good he brings to my life.

He is a blessing.  But it has been an emotional roller coaster... in a new way.  I worked for years building up systems and structure that kept me standing.  Now I have to change those systems and knock down that structure and build new.  It is hard.  Really hard.  He is tender and allows me to move slowly and listens to me cry about closing bank accounts, even though there is no way he understands why that makes me cry (I don't even get it 100%).  I just know and feel that I am making myself very vulnerable again.  Vulnerable to loss.  But it is worth it. Because every day I have joy and love.

It comes again.  It really comes again.

Now... years of 'bad' behaviors used to help me survive... I need to learn to thrive everyday.  It is a journey... and I'm not sure how to really get there.  A journey many of us need to take. We endure hardships and come out the other side stronger... but not always thriving.  Just happy to survive.  Help me learn how and share your wisdom to EVERYDAY THRIVING!

Thursday, May 26, 2011


I was ready.  I wanted to marry him and I had been praying about it for 11 months.  I knew it was right.  I knew he loved me and my kids.

But, he had not proposed.  We talked marriage like it was expected.  But, he had not proposed.  There were times I was bothered by this.  I was in deep.  My kids were in deep.  It had been 11 months.  He only had one month before our proposed "timeline" came due. 

I didn't want him to feel pressured. I wanted to be patient. But I wanted to shake him and say what is the hold up?? Do you want it or not?  I convinced myself I would wait until the one year mark... THEN... then we would have a serious conversation! :)

One year and one day from when we met I was crabby.  He had planned to propose.  I am certain the evening did not go as smoothly as he had planned.