FORGETTING

I remember at one point several months after my husband had passed, I was tucking the kids in for bed. At the time I would occasionally sit down with them and encourage them to write stories and memories of their dad. I remember my oldest crying, saying that he was starting to forget.

There is some truth to that...in some of the little things. The memory fades. Sometimes when I watch a home video or read from my journal - it can bring it back completely. But day to day - there is a larger, general memory of who he was. I am confident that what I have written does not say what I mean... because there are not words to explain that feeling... of losing from your grasp the fine detailed memories.

I don't think Chris was worried as he watched over us that we would forget him. He is too unforgettable. But, I am certain he was concerned about me forgetting who I was (and the kids forgetting who they are). His death changed me. There has been some positive growth, but mostly I started to lose myself somewhere in dealing with my grief, and trying to help my kids deal with theirs, and being a full-time mom, dad, and working... There was no more time for me... just this robot.

I made the comment before that I felt like I "came out of the clouds" some this year. Not just seeing peaks of sunshine - but more constant sun everyday. I don't know if it is because I came out that I found me again - or finding me again pulled me out the clouds. I am not the same person I was... but I am just starting find out who I am now and remember the good in who I was.

I laugh more now. Not to say I haven't laughed in the last five years... but laughing seemed to be something that was the "peaks of sun". When I was with friends, on a date, etc. It was no longer the everyday. But, I am finding that part of me again. I am crazy and silly and carefree. I am starting to remember.... and little by little I am becoming a new me with the past and the present gelled into one.