REFLECTIONS.... QUESTIONS...

It is late.

Autumn is in the air tonight. I celebrated with a fire in the fire place. I find peace in this spot. Sitting in front of the last few embers and hearing the crackling. The embers remind me of my promise. I want to look forward with faith. I want to take the embers and leave the ashes.

My emotions are strong this evening. Reflection of almost six years. My decisions and the consequences of them. Was I wrong? Was I selfish? Have I made decisions that have harmed my children? What could I have done better? Why have I not been stronger? Wiser?

Six years is a long time. Have I respected that time by making the most out of it?

I am not who I would have been. My children are not who they would have been. Perhaps there is a purpose in that? Were we meant to be the people we have now become or the people we were on the path to becoming before?

My boys do not know the things their father knew. They want to. I see in them that internal desire to have his knowledge and wisdom. To be a source of help to others, to be able to fix one of the hundred things that have and do go wrong around the house. But, who is there to teach them? So, days and years pass.... many of those broken things go un-repaired. That is not the kind of home we once had. I see their yearning for yesterdays now gone.

Which part is mine? Which part is God's? I spend so much of my life surviving... sometimes I feel as though my kids have lost their father and their mother.

I reflect on years of wanting the insanity to stop. Wanting to just breathe. Those moments came (as moments only) - but life still has a void. A void that was not filled when the insanity stopped. I wanted to be still - but by being still, did my children miss out on learning and opportunities for a full life?

We live life 'my' way now. I miss the life that was 'our' way. But, I have strove to make the present a good place to be. I stretch myself physically and financially sometimes to give my kids other things. Things they may never have experienced in 'our' life... buy in 'my' life they exist. Perhaps it is my way of attempting to compensate... to fill their lives to cover the void. I don't think that is all a bad thing, is it? It is not like the void was going to go away... why not fill it with new adventures?

What will my final reflection be? Have I chosen wisely?

GRAVESTONE

I have commented before that Chris' presence is something I have felt often in the last five years. I will sadly admit that I don't visit his gravestone very often. Don't get me wrong, it is not as if I never go there - but the frequency might be something like half a dozen times a year. And, given that I live in a very cold area - I will go months without going there. To be honest, often when I go there it is hard not to think about the day he was buried. I don't care for that memory.

Last year I went and picked out a bunch of flowers I love... no, not flowers he loved... He is not the one that has to look at them, I DO! :) So, I got flowers I loved. Of course, I don't have much of a green thumb, so I didn't give much thought to what would grow there... And Gerber Daisies were not the best choice - as once the exiting flower died, they never bloomed again. Anyhow, I thought maybe I would get myself in a better habit of visiting often. I suppose I did go there more often... just not as often as I told myself I would.

The snow has finally melted this year and it is starting to feel a little bit like spring. So, I called my girlfriend who I have not seen in way too long and asked if she wanted to go for a walk. We didn't have a particular destination in mind when we left... just used the time to talk and catch up on life. We ended up walking further than normal and ended up at the cemetery. I pulled all the dead stuff around his grave, said a quick hello and we were off.

As I left, I started to say goodbye, as did my friend. But we both stopped, then said, "no need to say goodbye.. you are coming with us aren't you". Because we know, that he does... And as we continued our walk home and my girlfriend (who happens to be the opposite of me - I have NO grace and trip over a piece of grass... she never trips) tripped... on flat ground... with nothing seemingly in the way. I started laughing and said, "It was Chris. He thinks he's funny."

DOES IT EVER GET EASIER?

People tell you it will.... but I think the jury is still out as far as I am concerned. In the beginning it was new, there were a lot of adjustments to make... but now... now I feel like: OK enough is enough! I have been doing this too long. I don't want to do it any more. He can come back now!

Maybe you get used to it - so the hurt isn't so raw. But it is still there, it has only changed.

Of course, 5 years ago today I stood at a graveside in the freezing cold watching as they lowered my husband's body into the ground. So surreal. The feelings I had in that very moment so easily and speedily return when I just think for a moment of that day....