MONTH 11

I was ready.  I wanted to marry him and I had been praying about it for 11 months.  I knew it was right.  I knew he loved me and my kids.

But, he had not proposed.  We talked marriage like it was expected.  But, he had not proposed.  There were times I was bothered by this.  I was in deep.  My kids were in deep.  It had been 11 months.  He only had one month before our proposed "timeline" came due. 

I didn't want him to feel pressured. I wanted to be patient. But I wanted to shake him and say what is the hold up?? Do you want it or not?  I convinced myself I would wait until the one year mark... THEN... then we would have a serious conversation! :)

One year and one day from when we met I was crabby.  He had planned to propose.  I am certain the evening did not go as smoothly as he had planned.

HOW LONG IS TOO LONG?

Dating as a parent is challenging. 

1.  I was always exhausted.  Any conversation that we tried to have after 9pm was useless.  Neither one of us could think stratight.
2. Seeing eachother before 9pm and actually being able to talk without one of six children needing to interrupt... impossible
3. Dates? Vital, but are they realistic?
4. Most times of trying to sit down and relax and enjoy the other person turned into both of us falling asleep sitting up on the couch within minutes of sitting.

It was hard. How long do you keep this up?  It seemed like a month would pass and I would have to ask myself... has anything changed in our relationship in this past month?  Often, the answer was no.  That was good because we were in a good place. That was bad because I wondered if we were moving forward.

One evening we discussed the issue and the time-frame.  When kids are involved in the relationship and you see them getting closer and closer to the guy you are dating... it is a little scary.  My kids loved him, and I loved him.... but what if something happened and he and I went our different ways?  How much of a blow would that be to my kids?

One year.  That was the time frame we decided on. 

After 9 months I started to panic a bit.  Life as a single-parent is challenging and sometimes so challenging that you focus more on the day-to-day then you do thinking long-term.  Were we doing that?  Was the sheer challenge of spending quality time together hampering our progress and dragging this out?  Or did we already know that this was it and we just needed to focus on it and make the necessary steps.?  I didn't want to see my kids hurt.  R and I needed to make some moves so there was no longer this unknown... But, being the sole person in charge for six years.... giving that up was also requiring some tough changes on my half.  I no longer had to do it all.  I no longer could call all the shots.  I have to admit some nights I was happy to go home and be in charge and in complete control... just for a moment.

REALITY HITS

That was the beginning.... and bit by bit we moved ahead. We told the kids, began to integrate our lives a bit, and took "test" trips to see how everyone did when crammed in a car together.  We dealt with broken down cars and last minute changes to our schedules.  We had kids who loved each other and then didn't.  There was an entire side to this relationship that was good and wonderful and fun to watch how it wove together.

Then there was the other side...Getting close to someone meant they saw me for how I really was.  They saw my flaws in parenting and in life.  And... someone seeing it - made it very real and made me more accountable.  It was uncomfortable.  That feeling was only exaggerated by having a man in my kids life who was a father and was keenly aware of all the "boy" things I had never done with my boys or exposed them to.  It became extraordinarily clear the gap that had been created from years of single-parenting... from years of not having their father.  There was sadness and pain in that.  My first reaction was to run... but I knew I needed to face this reality that was our life.  There was great things in our life and for years I had just focused on that and had lost sight of what we were missing.  The process of dating "R" caused me to mourn and grieve for the experiences... the simple pleasures my children had lost in their childhood.

One day I stood in the driveway and watched as R played catch with a football with my boys.  I was sad to think my boys had never done that at home before that day.  There was happiness and joy in their eyes.  There was a fun that returned that had not been felt for years.

THE NEXT FEW DAYS

R left for Chicago the next morning and I tried to clear my head with no luck.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I had no idea why.... it was the craziest thing.  


Sitting at work 'the day after', I was paged by the receptionist.  That could only mean one thing.  She always called your office line if she needed you.  Only upon hearing 'Kim, please come to lobby" is it known to all who work there what is up.  I had flowers.  I worked for a company that manufactured juice.  The card read.... Have a fructuous day !


I am not one to typically care for flowers.  They are pretty... but have always struck me as a waste of money... But this day, I was very good with the choice to have flowers sent.  I texted him a thank you and for the next couple days we exchanged some text messages.  Thursday evening he was stuck in Chicago... delayed flight.  The confines of the airport with hours to kill created the perfect setting for him to pay me a lot of attention.  We conversed via text and he confessed his disturbed sleep since our encounter.  I revealed I was having the same issue.  We went back and forth for a couple hours, and arranged that depending on what time his flight arrived.... he would stop over and see me if I was indeed unable to sleep again that evening.  I showered and headed to bed.  But, for hours there I laid.  He texted me a little after one in the morning to see if I was sleeping.  I wasn't.  There was no great purpose for his stop over - nor did he stay long.  I think I was hoping that if I saw him again it would clear my mind. Nope... only made matters worse.  I thought perhaps I would scare him off as I answered the door in my pajamas and some major wild fresh from the shower then bed head hair.


That was the beginning.  I was way up in the clouds somewhere and did not see myself coming down.  It was time I called for back-up.  I called the sister who is not only a realist - but has the ability to play 'devil's advocate' very well.  She was no help.  Everyone I talked to (including her) commented on the energy in my voice... blah, blah, blah.  I needed help.  I needed someone to make this go away.  I was falling and was falling fast for this guy.


Following one of our dates we were back at his house.  I was laying on the couch and he was sitting on the floor leaned up against the couch.  He was drifting off to sleep (which single working parents do often) and I was looking at his face.  In that moment I said a prayer.  I know I said I wanted to be single... but I didn't imagine I would find someone like him.  He was exactly what I wanted.  It was possible that the Lord was only using me as an instrument for some other end that did not have to do with he and I - perhaps I would simply help him bridge the gap to a different course in life.  But, I wanted him.  I loved him.  I didn't know him completely - but knew I loved him.  With faith in a loving Heavenly Father I turned it over to Him.

MAY 11... CONTINUED

I contemplated my choice for the last hour at the office.... There was a very big part of me that wanted to say yes... just my doubting mind that thought I may be starting something that will be awkward to end kept me from an immediate reply. 

I got home.  Kids were good and healthy.  I sent him a text letting him know I would meet him there at 7:30.  Having my own escape car was a must.  I called my friend I had said I would fix up with him and let her know there had been a change, I would be doing some 'inside investigation' work.  I told my kids I'd be out with my friend Wanda.  I was certain I didn't want to tell my daughter.  She would be mortified.

I arrived about 7:29.  He was not there yet.  I bought us tickets for the movie.  Somehow that helped me feel better.  I paced the hall.  I read the bulletin board. I paced the hall. He sent me a text.  He had been delayed getting back to town that day.  He was coming.  He told me not to buy tickets.  I smiled and replied that the tickets were bought and we were ready to go..

A few minutes later I watched him walk swiftly up the front stairs. Dress pants, a shirt and a sport coat.  His hair seemed to be a little damp from having just showered. He smiled, greeted me and we went in to the movie.

First dates are a little awkward.  There seems to be careful placement of the hands and elbows and arms.  As I sat there I was overcome with his smell.  Aroma?  Odor?  How do you say that positively?  It was consuming.  I found my shoulders pressing closer and closer then firmer and firmer against his.  As if I needed to be closer to breathe in his scent.

Part of that was completely unconscious... but then I realized what I was doing.  I tried to reason with myself.  "Kim, move over... you are almost on top of this guy".  "Ummmm... nope can't do it"  "Kim, move over"  "Yikes... I can't". On occasion he would make matters even worse by whispering a comment about the movie in my ear.  What was happening to me?  He seemed to have this power over me that made me melt... I continued to try to reason with myself.  "What is your problem?  You don't even know this guy!  Cut it out and move over."  I couldn't.  It was useless.  Ever see Twilight?  I could completely relate to how Edward felt (minus the desire to suck his blood). 

I was grateful for the fresh evening air following the movie... I could breath and the breeze took his scent in a different direction.  Thank you!! I can think again.

He revealed the research he had done on "Mormons" and his apparent loss for what to do next.  No coffee... no drinks... glass of water?  We headed to his house to visit.  He sat on the sectional style sofa.  I sat as far away from him on the opposite end of the couch as I could.  It seemed safer.  We visited for quite awhile, enjoying engaging conversation.... the night grew late and I said good bye... so I could go home and not catch one bit of sleep.... That would be the first of many sleepless nights to come.  Something had just happened.

MAY 11, 2010

After finding his photo on Saturday night the fun was over and we were back to life.  I still figured months down the road when my friend's divorce was final that I would set her up... he was too good not to match him up with someone.

Somehow my great plans changed when I received a text message.  The message was sent at 3:07 on Tuesday afternoon.  It was R.  He wanted to know if I ever made it to see Date Night, and if not if I would be interested in going to the Opera House to see it with him that evening.  I was not in my office when that message came in, but I froze with disbelief when I casually sat at my desk thirty minutes later and saw a missed call, voicemail and text message all from him.  I did what any normal girl would do under such circumstances... I ran.  I went over to my friend's desk and divulged the secret.  What should I do, what should I say??  She followed me back to my office where we could discuss my options... of course she felt the obvious answer was GO!  I froze. I don't date. I don't want to date.  I am so done with that part of my life.  She continued to prod... Go!!

I was fearful and answering a yes made me incredibly uncomfortable.  I just didn't want to go there.  If I say yes, eventually I have to say no.. and that is hard and some guys don't get it when you do say no, if you said yes once before.  Ugh.  I was not about to start that nightmare.  But... I was intrigued.  There was a big part of me that WANTED to say YES. 

I sent my reply.  I let him know I would need to check in on my kids after work.  One had been under the weather and I would need to check-in to make sure all was well.  I said I'd get back to him after 5:00.

I had just bought myself an hour that I could spend weighing the pros and cons of accepting his date.

MAY 8, 2010

The plan was to pick up my daughter around 2pm.  My phone rang at 12:57pm with the caller-id showing the caller was the home where she was.  I answered expecting my daughter on the other end.  It wasn't.  I had a five minute phone call with the father.  Just confirming I'd be over to pick her up.  He was willing to bring her home, but I politely declined and said I'd be there in an hour.  I'm not sure why that took five minutes... but I just confirmed on my cell phone bill it was a five minute call.  I think there was a desire to linger on the phone from both our perspectives.

I was timely.  2pm I was ringing their door bell.  The 8 year old brother answered the door, invited me in, told me the girls were upstairs and then left.  It is a large home.... built in the 1800's. The kind that seems to go on and on from room to room.  I stood there waiting, expecting that the girls would be down.  No one came.  I hollered out a "hello".  No one answered.  I walked in one room from the den to the kitchen.  I hollered again.  No one answered.  I stood there waiting and glanced down at the papers on his kitchen island.  There was a pamphlet listing the movies that were playing at the Opera House in town.  "Date Night" was scheduled to show that night and the upcoming Tuesday.  I read the description.  Sounded funny.  Then I continued to stand there... waiting.  I hollered out again.  No answer.  Awkward.  Should I go to my car and try calling them?  I chose to wait a little longer.  The father... "R" walked in.  It was obvious he was fresh from the shower.  Clean shave, wet hair combed back, Saturday looking jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt.

He seemed surprised that I was standing in his kitchen when he walked in.  I told him I was waiting for my daughter.  He asked if anyone had gone to get them.  I reported the details that I knew and he invited me upstairs to their third floor to see the space the girls had been playing in.  I asked my daughter to get her things together and R and I returned to the kitchen to wait for her.  In an effort to make small talk during our wait I asked if he had seen the movie "Date Night" as I pointed at the pamphlet.  He had not... we continued with some other talk and then he started to apologize.  He didn't have to get far and I knew very well where this was headed... he must have found out I was widowed.  I knew the tone.  He only got a few words with an apologetic tone out before the girls came bounding in and our privacy was no more.  We continued to talk for a bit and he offered to show me some of the other fun spaces the house had to offer.  We went to his barn with the girls in tow.  After a short tour the girls found themselves playing on the lawn and he and I found ourselves with some privacy to talk.  As I expected he expressed sympathy for my loss... we talked for almost an hour.  I figured if he was comfortable discussing my marital status... he could discuss his as well.  So we did.

I left there that day completely intrigued with this man.  I felt a huge amount of respect for him and wanted to know more.  His divorce sounded identical to what my best friend was in the process of going through.  She came over that evening and I told her about "R".  I told her I would need to fix the two of them up once her divorce was final.  I could feel how good this guy was.  She... wanted photos.  I pulled out my best 'google stalking' abilities but was having trouble finding a photo.  Gratefully we live in a small town.  He had told me where he went to church and I recognized it as the same church my girlfriend went to.  That girlfriend happened to call as we were in the process of trying to google stalk him.  I told her I was looking for a photo of him as I would like to fix him up with my other friend.  She inquired why I would do that... I should be interested.  I reminded her that I don't date.  I am done with that phase of my life.  She directed me to her facebook photo albums.
I found him.

MAY 7, 2010

I think due to the craziness of life over the past several years, my kids have not had the opportunity to foster very many friendships with the children at school.  I was hesitant to have them go play at others' homes as I did not know the parents, and I was not home enough it seemed to have friends over.  Every minute of every day just seemed packed full.

My daughter seemed to struggle the most with this.  It seemed to have stunted her ability to have close friends like the other girls in her class had. Just a week or two before this she had the opportunity to go to play at a friends house.  I did not know the parents, but felt inclined to let her go.  I had dropped her off at the girls' mother's home.  The mother seemed very nice and I instantly felt at ease with the girl.  I was curious about the family, as I had never heard of this girl before and I didn't quite understand where the friendship had come from.

On May 7... a Friday... my daughter came home from school inquiring if she could have a sleepover at her new friend's father's house.  I must make the clarification here that sleepovers are just a no.  End of story.  Stay 'till late - return in the morning, no problem.  But, we sleep at home. Curiously, when she asked, I didn't hesitate and said "sure".  I didn't think about it at the moment... but I had, in reality, just agreed to let my daughter sleep over at some man's house... who was single... who I had never met.  I am not sure how that happened.

Forever etched in my head is the moment I pulled in the driveway... He had a long circular driveway.  He was on the lawn playing baseball with his 8 year old son.  My daughter's friend was out on the lawn as well.  I pulled into the driveway far enough to get the car off the road and stopped.  My daughter hopped out of the car and I followed.  I stood there half in the car and half out with the door open.  He walked over and I briefly introduced myself and chatted about the girls' intentions. He was tall, salt and pepper hair.  He struck me.  I was intrigued.  We exchanged phone numbers so we would be able to contact each other if needed during the overnight. It seemed like a good excuse.

I pulled away.. leaving my daughter playing in the cherry blossoms on the lawn with her friend.

AND THE ANSWER IS.... OR IS IT?

I set aside the first Sunday in May 2010 to fast and tell the Lord my decision.  I spent a lot of time on my knees that day going over the evidence I had created for myself to validate my decision.  I felt confident and sure that it was what I wanted.

I finished my fast and felt excited to see where life would be taking me.  A day or two later I was thrown off when I had the distinct impression that the Lord had marriage in mind for me. 

I know I am a better person married than not.  But, remember... we have to work on this vision in my head.  These few specific needs I have... I think I have created something that doesn't exist.  I knelt in prayer and told the Lord I was willing to do His will.  I told Him my little list of traits I truly desired and then prayed for humility to accept what the Lord had for me.

My decision was made. I'd like to marry again.

IT'S TIME TO TELL THIS STORY....

One of the things I have loved about this blog has been the ability to do it retrospective... I have been able to look back and take the embers... just bringing with me the good and leaving most of the bad and ugly behind.

The last year of my life has been.... life changing... it is time to tell that story.

Last spring in March and April I had many nights that were sleep disturbed as I woke with a question penetrating my mind.  The question was "Do you want to re-marry or do you want a career?".  For many nights I dismissed this until the episode kept repeating itself and I could not deny the feeling that I needed to answer it.  I went to the Lord in prayer and told Him I felt this was coming from Him.  I want to be an instrument in His hands.  I will go and do what He wants.

This did not seem to satisfy as the episodes kept on.  I began to truly study it out in my mind.  The more I did that, the more positive aspects I saw about me being single.  I have the ability to influence some I may not otherwise be able to.  I have friendships I would not otherwise have.  I accomplish and do things I would not be able to.  And, knowing that my desire for a career was to work in television. ... certainly that circle of influence could be powerful. 

I spent weeks prayerfully contemplating this and making a mental list.  I considered the other side... marriage.  I have dated some, and have found it to be too difficult.  It was like when I was preparing for my junior prom and I had a vision in my head of what I wanted my dress to look like.  I looked and looked and could not find the right dress.  My mother was a seamstress and so I visited the fabric store and could not find a pattern to fit what I wanted.  In the end I picked out five patterns... one for sleeves, one for a neck line, one for a bodice, etc and asked that mom combine them to create the dress I had in my head.  My "man" was much like that prom dress.  I had determined over the previous years in trying to date that there were certain "must-haves".... traits that seemed a bit specific and extreme.  Certainly I would need to change that vision in my head to have a chance at finding someone who I would want to marry....

My decision was made.  I'd like to have a career please.

THE ATONEMENT OF JESUS CHRIST

As I was preparing to speak a few weeks ago, one of the many subjects I contemplated speaking on was the atonement of Jesus Christ and how it works to ease our suffering.  In The Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11 reads:
And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

My sister advised against such a subject on such a sensitive day at church.  Surely we wouldn't want to indicate that even if you lose your child, you need not suffer, because the Savior already did that.  I didn't want to give the impression that they should be just fine.

I did however spend a few weeks contemplating that.  How does that work together?  Is it sinful to mourn at the loss of a child or spouse or another loved one?  Certainly not.  Does it show a lack of faith?  No.  Then how does it work exactly?

I have come to this conclusion:  I can testify that I have felt my burden lightened.  I know I have been able to turn it over to the Lord and He has suffered that pain for me.  I can also testify that despite my faith and trust in the Lord I have morned deeply the loss of my husband.

I believe these two can co-exist perfectly naturally.  The scriptures teach us to "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort".  I know that mourning is needed and natural.  I also know that we can turn some of that pain over to Christ.  He has suffered it for us.  We do not need to feel it all.  If we hold on to all that pain and harbor it - we are simply denying the gift of the atonement He gave us. 

The atonement is what makes good days still come and healing come completely.  It is what makes one know on a bad day, that a good day will soon follow.

Mourning the loss of a loved one is natural.  Missing them.  When we harbor the pain - that is when we need to remember that the Savior suffered this for us.  We can give that burden to Him.