Tuesday, June 22, 2010


In the couple weeks following Chris' death, I really felt drawn to moving near Chris' brothers. I would look at my kids every day and be sad for them. They were missing out on that daily interaction with their father.

I had put my house on the market and was very much leaning towards that direction. I made a trip to the area they live in - looked at homes and jobs and was confident I would be able to find both. I continued thinking in that direction, as I just didn't want my children to miss out on that influence in their lives. But, the more I moved in that direction, the more I wanted to feel excited about it - but I didn't. I love my home. My home, as in the area that I live. I have been blessed with tremendous friends, and the small town in which I live feels safe compared to a larger area where I knew so few people. I enjoy the changing weather. I love the water. I love the trees and the smells in the fall. I love the east. This is my home and has been for years. At the time I was blessed with a job that allowed me to be home every day when the kids came home from school. In the end I decided the long commutes and being home less was not worth the trade. They may have their uncles, but it would be in exchange for their mother. I decided not to go.

I have never regretted that decision. Although, I know my kids have really missed out on many things through the years.

I was watching my youngest play catch with a football with a friend of the male variety the other day. I was overcome with sadness. He was so happy. Just to be playing catch. I have not bought all the right boy toys, nor played all the right games. They have not learned the talents their father possesed. They don't work on cars or build stuff. My youngest has missed out on all these things for half of his life... and my oldest for over one third of his life.

Christopher comes home today. That fills me with joy. Joy because I have missed him. But more joy because he comes home a better person than he left. Joy because he has had the opportunity to work on cars and build stuff. Camp and hike. Ride four wheelers and be a better person. Be the person his dad would have helped him become. For this, I feel overwhelming gratitude. Gratitude for a loving and supportive family who took him under their wing and helped him fly.


  1. You are such an amazing person and such an unselfish and loving mother! Your children are blessed to have you.

  2. Patty,
    You are too kind. And I appreciate the compliment. Hesitant to say unselfish describes me... as I struggle with making sure there is a balance between what I need and what my children need to be happy.

    I sometimes just go with the old saying "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" and assume my children will be fine as long as I am happy (within reason of course!).