GOD KNOWS YOU

Dieter F. Uchtdorf:

"Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him. Have hope and faith in that promise. Learn to love your Heavenly Father and become His disciple in word and in deed.


Be assured that if you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful in keeping the commandments, one day you will experience for yourself the promises revealed to the Apostle Paul: “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him” (1 Corinthians 2:9).

Brothers and sisters, the most powerful Being in the universe is the Father of your spirit. He knows you. He loves you with a perfect love.

God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him."

Tender Mercies

I read this today... and I remembered hearing it just months after Chris' passing.

Married life has given me lots of opportunities to think back over the past several years.  Mostly I mourn.  When I see certain behaviour in my kids, and I know that it comes from the years of single parenthood and coping and grieving.  They were long years and when I think of them I wonder how I made it through... but I don't wonder long until I remember that it was through the Tender Mercies of God that I felt peace and strength and that I was able to carry on.

Read it... it's a good read!

http://www.lds.org/new-era/2012/02/the-tender-mercies-of-the-lord?lang=eng

THE ATONEMENT OF JESUS CHRIST

As I was preparing to speak a few weeks ago, one of the many subjects I contemplated speaking on was the atonement of Jesus Christ and how it works to ease our suffering.  In The Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11 reads:
And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

My sister advised against such a subject on such a sensitive day at church.  Surely we wouldn't want to indicate that even if you lose your child, you need not suffer, because the Savior already did that.  I didn't want to give the impression that they should be just fine.

I did however spend a few weeks contemplating that.  How does that work together?  Is it sinful to mourn at the loss of a child or spouse or another loved one?  Certainly not.  Does it show a lack of faith?  No.  Then how does it work exactly?

I have come to this conclusion:  I can testify that I have felt my burden lightened.  I know I have been able to turn it over to the Lord and He has suffered that pain for me.  I can also testify that despite my faith and trust in the Lord I have morned deeply the loss of my husband.

I believe these two can co-exist perfectly naturally.  The scriptures teach us to "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort".  I know that mourning is needed and natural.  I also know that we can turn some of that pain over to Christ.  He has suffered it for us.  We do not need to feel it all.  If we hold on to all that pain and harbor it - we are simply denying the gift of the atonement He gave us. 

The atonement is what makes good days still come and healing come completely.  It is what makes one know on a bad day, that a good day will soon follow.

Mourning the loss of a loved one is natural.  Missing them.  When we harbor the pain - that is when we need to remember that the Savior suffered this for us.  We can give that burden to Him.

MOURNING YEARS GONE BY

As I sat in church yesterday, a young family got up to perform a special musical number. The father was on the piano and the mother stood with the children. As I was watching them I was so touched by the sweetness and completeness of this little family. I looked at the three oldest. 9, 7, 5. I was suddenly overcome with feelings of grief. Grieving the years that have passed. Those innocent and precious children were the age my children were when their father passed. So young, so sweet. So wonderful to see this family - we were once a sweet little family as well. The tears started and wouldn't stop. I started getting strange glances from my children. The tears just kept coming and coming. Long after the musical number was over, I was still crying. I felt like I was holding back... allowing the tears but blocking the sobbing that so wanted to come out. I contemplated making a run for the bathroom but felt like I was already making a spectacle of myself and thought that may just exaggerate that. So, I sat and let the tears continue to fall.

I can't say for sure what brought it on - but I can say that the topic of "mourning the years gone by" has been heavy on my heart lately. In moments of frustration the kids have retaliated at me with 'facts from the past' concerning my bad parenting behavior. It has left me reflecting on years I don't care to think about again. Years that I can't re-do. Years that have been wasted. Or so it seems.

The question is really... what would / could I have done differently. My 'bad parenting' is a reflection of trying to be a parent to children who were reacting with anger to their father's death, while trying to grieve the loss of my husband. My patience was short. I was trying to process through my own grief and that left little brain capacity for disobedient children. I was quick to yell, to lose my patience. I was incapable of of doing it.... well. I became this crazy mother that was nothing like I had once been. I look back and wonder what could have changed things. How could I have maintained the happiness and love in that little family and just continued on? Perhaps there is another widow out there that has considered this more or been more successful that could share some tips. For me... I need to forgive myself. I need to let go of the thoughts that they have been years wasted and I need to make the most of the years I now have.

THE GRAVE HATH NO VICTORY

The grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.
Mosiah 16:8

AFFLICTIONS AND MUCH SORROW

I don't know the particulars of how it works when you "invent" something. Do you get to keep collecting money every time that item is sold or improved on? Is it like Hugh Grant in About a Boy, where the next generation doesn't have to work because they can sit back and collect the royalties?

I hope so. Especially for those who invented things like dishwashers and indoor plumbing. As a widow, with very little 'extra' time for leisure type activities, one of my favorite inventions has been 'books on tape (CD)'. That is fabulous. I would not have 'read' one book in the past five years if it wasn't for that invention. But, instead I have 'read' several children's mystery/action books, some inspirational ones for me, and even Twilight!

I was driving in the car last week and started to click through the CD's in my player to see what was there for me to listen to. I stopped at The Book of Mormon and decided some on-the-go scripture study may be just what my soul was needing. I was in 2 Nephi. Lehi is getting ready to die. He is talking to each of his children to counsel them and bear his testimony to them(reminded me of the day Chris passed when he had an opportunity to do that for his children). I got to Chapter 2 and it began... "And now, Jacob, I speak unto you: Thou art my first-born in the days of my tribulation in the wilderness. And behold, in thy childhood thou hast suffered afflictions and much sorrow, because of the rudeness of thy brethren. Nevertheless, Jacob, my first-born in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions‍ for thy gain. "

I stopped, went back and listened to it again and again. Then I did as Nephi did, when studying Isaiah, as recorded in 1 Nephi 19:23, "I did liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning."

Then as I listed to the scripture again I heard "And now, my children (specifically my three), I speak unto you. And behold, in thy childhood thou hast suffered afflictions and much sorrow, because of the passing of your father. Nevertheless, my children, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions‍ for thy gain. "

I knew in that moment very clearly and strongly, and I will testify to each of your now. That is true. I believe that when we are subjected to afflictions and much sorrow because of others or because of things that have happened to us in our lives, that God will consecrate those afflictions for our gain. I know that I need not worry about that pain and suffering my kids have endured, because every tear of suffering and sorrow will be returned a hundred times in the form of a blessing to them. The Lord knows, cares, and loves us. He will make right any affliction that is placed upon us.

WATCHING THEM GROW UP

I was just watching the movie The Last Song. I didn't know anything about the movie... it just looked like a good clean family movie to watch.

My father-in-law died in an industrial accident years ago, before he was my father-in-law. Our families were friends, so I still remember very clearly when I was told he had passed. There had been an explosion, he was burned badly. He had survived a couple days, but then passed.

In the early days of the TV Show ER, I used to enjoy watching it. My mother-in-law would watch with me. I remember one time the subject matter of the show was a case involving a burn victim. My mother-in-law left the room. She couldn't watch. I understood, but didn't understand what that felt like.

Tonight as I was watching the movie, I found it was about a father who had been estranged from his children. He has them come stay with him for the summer. As the movie unfolds you discover he is dying from cancer. It is still hard to watch that. I find it impossible to watch it - without feeling those feelings all over again. Without looking at the 'reality' of life as I know it.... as my kids know it. Without feeling the pain all over again of my kids growing up without their father. Now, years later, I can truly understand what that must have felt like for my mother-in-law. Why she preferred to change the channel on those nights.

In the movie the older sister comments regarding her younger brother that her dad won't get to see him grow up.

I would just like to disagree with that, if I may. My kids are not the little kids they were when their father passed. They have grown up. They are turning into teenagers, young adults with mature thoughts and decision making power. They have missed the daily interaction with their father. Had he been here, they would have become someone else. But, even though he was not here... I know that he has watched them grow up. He has been there for them in moments he could not have been otherwise. He has not been able to physically hold them or discipline them, but he has been able to help them feel his love for them when they needed it. He has watched them grow up. Death takes away many things, but that is not one of them.

NEVER ALONE

As I read the following story told by James E. Faust, it reminded me of how I felt facing my life alone after Chris' passing. It reminded me of the gratitude I felt (feel) for a loving Father in Heaven who knows me and loves me and walks beside me. We never are alone... unless we choose to walk away from Him.

"One young woman became much more aware of the wonderful relationship we have to our Heavenly Father when she left home for the first time to go to college. Her father gave her a blessing and expressed his love. Then she writes:

'I clung to his words of love and support as I said a painful good-bye to my family. I felt alone and scared in those uncharted waters. Before I left the apartment that morning, I knelt down to ask for help. Desperately I pleaded with my Heavenly Father for strength to be able to face the college world all alone. I had left my family and friends and everything familiar the day before, and I knew I needed His help.

'My prayers were answered as I reflected on the tender experience with my father the day before. A wave of comfort fell over me as I realized that I had not come to college with the blessing of just my earthly father. I suddenly felt that one day, not so long ago, my Heavenly Father had held me close in His arms. Perhaps He gave me words of advice and encouragement and told me that He believed in me, just as my earthly father had. And at that moment, I knew that I am never without the perfect love and endless support of my Father in Heaven.”

MORE ON LIVING....

“It may not be on the mountain height Or over the stormy sea, It may not be at the battle’s front My Lord will have need of me. But if, by a still, small voice he calls To paths that I do not know, I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine: I’ll go where you want me to go.”

Living our lives as instruments in the Lord’s hands is a matter of faith and trust in God that he will direct our paths for good... Henry B. Eyring said, “Trust comes from knowing God.” In Psalm 46:10 we read, “Be still, and know that I am God” I cannot tell you how this faith is developed for everyone, but I can tell you for me it was a process. A process that began with an internal desire and a curiosity. The visual was intriguing. A poem by Myra Brooks Welch:

’Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer Thought it scarcely worth his while To waste much time on the old violin, But held it up with a smile: “What am I bidden, good folks,” he cried, “Who’ll start the bidding for me?” “A dollar, a dollar”; then, “Two!” “Only two? Two dollars, and who’ll make it three? Three dollars, once; three dollars, twice; Going for three—” But no, From the room, far back, a gray-haired man came forward and picked up the bow; Then, wiping the dust from the old violin, And tightening the loose strings, He played a melody pure and sweet as a caroling angel sings. The music ceased, and the auctioneer, with a voice that was quiet and low, said, “What am I bid for the old violin?” And he held it up with the bow. “A thousand dollars, and who’ll make it two? Two thousand! And who’ll make it three? Three thousand, once, three thousand, twice, And going, and gone!” said he. The people cheered, but some of them cried, “We do not quite understand what changed its worth.” Swift came the reply: “The touch of a master’s hand.” And many a man with life out of tune, and battered and scarred with sin, is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd, much like the old violin. A “mess of pottage,” a glass of wine, A game—and he travels on. He’s “going” once, and “going” twice, He’s “going” and almost “gone.” But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd never can quite understand the worth of a soul and the change that’s wrought by the touch of the Master’s hand.

Often I feel like I am much like that violin. I am simple and often look battered and scarred. Life has me in a rush. I am not someone within my community who anyone would look to as a person of great value.

My daughter plays the violin and I remember the first concert we went to. It began with the “Beginners” and proceeded to more advanced levels from there. When the “Beginners” came out on stage they ‘squeaked’ out the melody “Mississippi Hot Dog”. It was a bit painful. But the proud parents applauded. At the end of the concert the Advanced students played a melody that was beautiful to listen to.

If I am that violin… what tune do I want to have played? Do I want to be Mississippi Hot Dog forever? Because I certainly feel that despite my life experience thus far, I am still a beginner and when attempting to control my own life… watching me can be painful. But I, as each of us, has the opportunity for the Master’s hand to touch my life and use me as His instrument in creating a symphony. When faced with that choice, I want, hands down, to be used by Him… to be a part of something I could not conduct on my own.

REFLECTIONS.... QUESTIONS...

It is late.

Autumn is in the air tonight. I celebrated with a fire in the fire place. I find peace in this spot. Sitting in front of the last few embers and hearing the crackling. The embers remind me of my promise. I want to look forward with faith. I want to take the embers and leave the ashes.

My emotions are strong this evening. Reflection of almost six years. My decisions and the consequences of them. Was I wrong? Was I selfish? Have I made decisions that have harmed my children? What could I have done better? Why have I not been stronger? Wiser?

Six years is a long time. Have I respected that time by making the most out of it?

I am not who I would have been. My children are not who they would have been. Perhaps there is a purpose in that? Were we meant to be the people we have now become or the people we were on the path to becoming before?

My boys do not know the things their father knew. They want to. I see in them that internal desire to have his knowledge and wisdom. To be a source of help to others, to be able to fix one of the hundred things that have and do go wrong around the house. But, who is there to teach them? So, days and years pass.... many of those broken things go un-repaired. That is not the kind of home we once had. I see their yearning for yesterdays now gone.

Which part is mine? Which part is God's? I spend so much of my life surviving... sometimes I feel as though my kids have lost their father and their mother.

I reflect on years of wanting the insanity to stop. Wanting to just breathe. Those moments came (as moments only) - but life still has a void. A void that was not filled when the insanity stopped. I wanted to be still - but by being still, did my children miss out on learning and opportunities for a full life?

We live life 'my' way now. I miss the life that was 'our' way. But, I have strove to make the present a good place to be. I stretch myself physically and financially sometimes to give my kids other things. Things they may never have experienced in 'our' life... buy in 'my' life they exist. Perhaps it is my way of attempting to compensate... to fill their lives to cover the void. I don't think that is all a bad thing, is it? It is not like the void was going to go away... why not fill it with new adventures?

What will my final reflection be? Have I chosen wisely?

REAL

To my fellow widows:

Your trial is real. So are the blessings.

RETURNING TO FAITH AND FORGIVENESS

It has been time to re-group. How often do I need to do this? Could someone review the data on my blog and try to determine if I end up here on a regular cycle? I really have felt everything crashing down on me in the last couple weeks. Crabby kids, realization that the kids need much more than what I am able to give them in terms of time and assistance with homework, bad habits returning, worrying about my job, big bills coming in… I think I get a little weaker with every bit that comes my way.. and sometimes I feel that my children see my weakness and attack. I know it is not true – but I don’t know why they need to act-out when I am feeling tremendous weight on me. It just drills me into the ground even more.

I really would like to see a study done on children of single-moms. I think there tends to be some common attributes that many of them develop. Not all… ‘cause I see moms whose kids don’t act that way – but others I see a very common theme. Why? What is it, psychologically, that causes them to essentially turn on the very one who is sacrificing everything for them? It is a safety thing? Do they have their own hurt and anger that they need to work through, and mom is that safe person they can take it out on, who will still love them when they are done? I really don’t know… but I do know it can be exhausting.

We have made strides here… the kids behavior does not fit this profile as often as it once did. In fact, we visit this place so much less often, I forgot how incredibly draining it can be.

As I prayed and pondered over the many needs I felt I needed this past week… I started to see answers come… one by one. I felt myself sinking… and I felt God giving me a hand, pulling me back. A friend took my kids on Sunday afternoon, giving me a much needed mental break. My job has been extended, another friend has offered to come in everyday to do homework with the kids before I get home from work… I see the hand of God in my life. I chastise myself for those times of ‘sinking’ as I feel it represents a lack of faith. I know God lives and loves me. I know He watches over my every need, and that although I am tested, my needs are always met. So, I just ask Him for forgiveness for allowing myself to sink. And He does... He will forgive me, just like I forgive my children.

WANTED: ONE PERFECT FOR ME JOB

The company I work for has been sold. Due to the nature of my position (I assist the owner, who as a result of the sale, is no longer the owner), I need to find a new job.

I don't know how long I have left where I am, but I have been urged to start looking for a job.

So, how do I get a job doing something I have no work experience in? And where might I find a job?

I have done sales... but I don't like sales when I HAVE to hit my quota or else. Too much pressure.

I have been an Executive Assistant... I am sooo bored.

So, this is what I need. I would like to do training. One of two kinds would be my preferred. I would like to be a trainer for sales OR an employee development trainer.

The other option is for me to be the next Rachel Ray. I don't cook - but I would like to launch a little empire like she has. I love being on TV. It makes me happy. I would promise to entertain you all! I think you would like me. What should my show be on? And then HOW DO YOU DO THAT? How do you get THAT kind of job? Alright - I have posted the question for the world to see. I will be awaiting the response. It's time. I need a new job. Can I get a fun and fulfilling one this time?

On "P.S. I Love You", she had the job of her dreams within a year of her husband's death. I am coming up on six years. It's time. Who can help?

LESSONS FOR LIVING TODAY

I jotted a few notes down in church today that I felt specifically applied to me.

"When we are running for our lives it is difficult to hear the spirit." A good reminder to me that I need to slow down, that I need to find moments of peace and calm so I can feel the spirit and allow the Lord to direct my path.

"If you are not happy with what you are doing, repent and do it better." We are responsible for our attitude, for how we face our trials. We choose wether to make life a triumph or a tragedy.

CHRIS, ARE YOU HERE?

I woke up this morning and everything in my world was different. I was facing the daunting reality that two of my three kids are now teenagers. How did that happen?



I know time goes quickly, too quickly sometimes. It was just strange to realize I am facing the most difficult and critical years without Chris. It just seemed a little unfair. Don't get me wrong, I don't question God. I know He is much wiser than I, and that He will compensate in these kid's lives for what they are missing... but some days I think of what they are missing and I feel a little sad for them. I still have the ability to call my dad and talk, and get wise advice when I need it.

When I finally crawled out of bed this morning, I walked into the kitchen. Chris' leather jacket was on the back of the kitchen chair. I looked at it at least five times, picking it up and looking closer. Yes, it was Chris' jacket.

I hadn't seen it in years. It was an odd sight on an odd day. Our daughter is thirteen... he should be here to wish her happiness and joy in her teenage years. Although, I know he will watch over her still and strive to help her be on a path that will bring her happiness and joy.

I was crossing the street from my office to the parking lot and someone drove by that made me do a double take. Weird.

After work, I ran downstairs to get some garlic bread out of the freezer. Chris' nose spray was sitting on top of the freezer. He had terrible allergies and that nose spray was a standard... in jean pockets, jackets, the car, everywhere he went, there was the spray. It made me take a look around.

My oldest must be missing his dad. I think he starts to dig his few remaining things out when he is missing him.

But, for it to happen today.... on our little girl's birthday, just made me smile even more.

WHAT MATTERS MOST

HE WILL PROVIDE

For you young widows with ever-increasing family responsibilities, know that God is aware of your needs and that He will provide. Continue to exercise faith and good works. Faithful family and Church members will assist. Be willing to receive assistance from others as necessary. Your children will know that you provide them with a double measure of love. It is my testimony that our Heavenly Father will abundantly compensate your family with eternal blessings because of the goodness of your hearts.
Earl C. Tingey

GREATER FAITH

The term widows is used 34 times in the scriptures. In 23 of these passages, the term refers to widows and the fatherless. I believe the Lord has a tender feeling toward widows and the fatherless, or orphans. He knows that they may have to rely more completely on Him than on others. Their prayers will be more personal and lasting, service to fellowmen more genuine, and faith greater.

Earl C. Tingey

HOPE YA KNOW, WE HAD A HARD TIME

O REMEMBER, REMEMBER