Wednesday, February 10, 2010


At what point do people grow weary of me talking about Chris? At what point has everyone else moved on, and they really don't want to hear it any more? At what point do I just need to keep it to myself because otherwise I appear to be a widow who just can't move on?

Is it five years? What about ten? When it has been ten years my oldest will hopefully be heading on a mission. His dad should be there to send him off with me. What about fifteen? That may be the year that our daughter gets married. Twenty? I could be welcoming my first grandchild.

The IRS doesn't want to hear about it after three years. Last year was the first year I could no longer be considered a "widow" when I filed my taxes. Now I am "head of househould". So, if they are sick of it... is everyone else sick of it too?

My sisters send me flowers every year on the anniversary of his death. This year, I wondered if they would... at some point they will have to stop... won't they? They sent a beautiful arrangement. I was glad.

What's the perfect balance between remembering my husband as I move forward and not living in the past?

Just questions today... no answers... just questions...


  1. No answers just empathy. On February 26, 1997 I lost my baby when she was born prematurely. I had a friend who lived next door to us at BYU at the time. She and I thought it was so fun to discover we had the exact same due date with our first babies. I felt a little guilty about this but I was so glad to see her move away just a few months after I lost my baby. I went on to have 5 more healthy and lively babies born to me in quick succession. This helped fill the void of that loss but it never dissappeared.

    Two years ago we moved to Boise and my 3rd child made friends with a boy whose parents were those long lost friends from BYU. I saw her frequently as our kids went to the same Elementary School. Her oldest was 10 now. He was honored at an end of the year school assembly for everything- academics, athletics, character, ect. In that moment I felt transported back in time. It was like I had just lost my baby and I missed her and I wanted her back.

    I think you'll always have that. No matter how you may be blessed in life there will always be those moments when You are Chris's Widow. Anyone who has ever experienced a loss will not expect you to move forward and not live in the past. As far as achieving the perfect me you seem like you're there.

  2. Chelle - I remember when your friend moved away and you told me you felt a little guilty that you were relieved. But that is so understandable. I did not know you had come across them again in life. I think it is such a difficult thing, but I think you are right. For those who have lost - they will understand that twenty years, fifty years down the road you still think of it and feel it. I am certain. Others, may just have to judge.

    My sister-in-law similarly lost a child. I am a little sad every time I see her, as my youngest would have been born around the same time as that child. There are two others on that side of the family born that year. When we are all together, I am certain her mind goes there and feels a little bit of the pain.

  3. Hi, I know you don't know me, but I've been reading your posts and think this is such a wonderful tribute to your husband. And the things that your children will get from it when they are older are unimaginable! I think your blog is incredibly healing I'm sure for you, but for so many others as well! So thanks! My Dad died when I was 14 years old. This year it will be 14 years since he died. It's crazy. Some days it feels like it's been forever, and some days, it seems like it happened just yesterday. So, since he died, I've graduated from high school and college, married, and have two young children. I think you're wondering the same thing everyone who has lost someone close does. I always wonder if my running partner gets sick of me talking about my dad. We are training for a marathon right now, and that leads to a lot of time to think, and for whatever reason, I think about him at least once during the run. She doesn't talk as much during running, but always asks me to just to keep our minds busy while we count down the miles. And I always talk about my dad. I wonder if she just hates it? But she seems interested also. I don't think it really matters what others think. It's how I cope with it and how I remember little things about him. So don't worry about others getting sick of hearing about Chris. If it makes you happy to think about him and talk about him, then just keep doing it!

  4. Jenn - glad to meet you and thanks for your thoughts. Part of this journey is finding out you really aren't crazy... you are just normal. So, when I am fourteen years in and I feel like talking about him, I will. Because I will remember that you weren't afraid to keep talking about your Dad.

    My kids love the blog. They are so cute. My youngest will curl up to me some nights when I am sitting on my laptop and say, "so what did you write today". They love remembering and they love suggesting stories I could write about. That is what this is all about... trying to capture the memories and the lessons and preserve them.

  5. Kim,

    I work in a bank and I meet widows and widowers quite often. I have little ladies who lost their husbands in their 30s or 40s who I meet. Some remarried and others didn't. It is now fory or fity plus years later and they will sit at my desk and tell me story after story of their husband and their life together before he passed away. They tell it like it was just yesterday to them. I even have a couple in their late 50's who both lost their spouses and very young ages like you. They met a few years later and married each other. They both will sit at my desk together and talk about their late spouses and tell me stories. I have listened to these stories for eight years and never once thought it was odd that years later they were telling me their stories. I enjoy listening to them. Normal....ABSOLUTELY!!!!!

  6. Kimberly,

    If they are truly your friends... They will never be tired of hearing about Chris.

    I would be more worried if you stopped mentioning his name.

    I think it is spectacular what your sisters do for you every year! You have great sisters and family who care and love you.

    I remember when I first met your family when you moved to PA. I enjoyed every minute hanging out with all of you.

    I have always treasured my memories with "The Littlefield's".

    Love your blog too! I'm sure it's therapeutic. Have you ever thought of making this a book to help out other's in your situation?


  7. Kim - glad to hear your perspective... I like it. :)

    Heidi - Thank you! I do have the best family ever. I will turn this into a book for me and my kids when I am done... but I have never thought of going public. :)