Thursday, February 4, 2010


I heard on the news one morning that there was a study done that proved that men / women who are widowed or divorced are more likely to have poor health.

I was a young widow. I was healthy. But about two years after my husband passed I started having these strange “episodes”. I had no idea what it was or worse, what was causing it. After six months of it continuing, I finally made a doctor appointment. I didn’t tell anyone I was going. I figured there was a good chance it was just stress and was no big deal. I remember sitting in the doctor office that day describing to the doctor what was happening. He was very serious, and said, “I’ll be honest. I don’t like the sounds of this.” Really? It’s not just stress? He made a script out for me to have some tests run. At this point… again I said nothing to anyone. I was scared. I was the only parent my kids have… and they are sending me to be tested for a brain tumor and MS… along with other things. My world felt like it was spinning. I had a follow up with a neurologist. The neurologist could not get me in for a few weeks, so my doctor offered that if I wanted the results, I could call him – but I would need to wait to meet with the neurologist to understand what it all meant.

I decided not to call my doctor. I was too afraid he would give me bad news and I would be left with hundreds of questions and only Google for my answers. For weeks, me and my secret went about life trying to be normal. I finally met with the neurologist. The tests were fine. No tumor. No MS. They wanted to do an EKG to get a better idea of what was happening. They did the EKG a couple days later, and scheduled me for a follow up two weeks later. An assistant of sorts did the test. When the test was over, she simply said, “I’m sure you will be hearing from the doctor soon. The test results are not normal”. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? So, I have SOMETHING wrong with me… but I have no idea what that is or what this means!!! I finally told my friend. I didn’t know what all to tell her – just that SOMETHING was wrong. The assistant was right. The doctor office called a few days later and moved my appointment up.

My girlfriend came to the appointment with me. I wasn’t sure WHAT to expect that day – and I didn’t want to have to do it alone. I sat in the waiting room with my friend and became lost in thought. I found it too ironic that I was in the same complex two doors down from the doctor that first diagnosed my husband with cancer. This building was cursed. I was sure of it.

My mind went back to the day I found out about my husband. I had been strong. I had been fine. But, I needed my mother-in-law to run donuts to my son’s school as it was his birthday. I didn’t want his day to be disrupted and I had told him I would do this. I had walked out into the hall just thirty feet from where I was sitting and made that phone call. I sobbed. As soon as I had to tell her why my day was now upside down and I was going to be in the hospital with my husband as he had to have tests run. I sobbed.

I so wished I was not so close to where the nightmare began. This town was too small. It was finally my turn and they called me in. The doctor explained I was having partial complex seizures (lots of them I guess.. he didn’t understand why I wasn’t having more episodes) Google later explained to me that this is often hereditary and things like stress, fatigue and poor diet contribute to having the episodes (hmmmmm… I struck out on all three of those accounts. Yes. Yes. And uhhh Yes!). They put me on a horrible drug, that I lovingly refer to as my “stupid pills” because they do just that to me… they make me stupid. I don’t remember anything, my brain functions so slowly… I’m just plain stupid!

Two years later I was in for a regular eye exam and they were concerned over my eye pressure. They sent me to a specialist and I was diagnosed with pigmentary glaucoma suspect.

At this point… I thought it may be time to re-marry just for the sake of the children. I thought my singles ad could read something like:

“Wanted one tall good-looking man to be a husband and a caregiver for a desperate widow who is losing her mind and her eyesight. Must have a solid driving record, as you will need to drive me and my three children around. Long-term good looks are not necessary as before long I probably won’t be able to see you anyway. Don’t delay.. Call today~!”

What do you think? Should I post the single-ad?

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