Saturday, July 10, 2010


I had never been so unsure of how I felt about someone. I would be lying to say I didn't enjoy the Saturday we had spent... and how it had ended. Void, of course, from all the craziness in my head.

The days following were busy, and when night came I found sleep did not come easily. Just a few hours a night, if I was lucky. Chris had called the day after and left a message, but I had not had the opportunity to return his call. I finally couldn't take any more sleepless nights, so I called him late one evening. He was just walking in the door and asked if he could call me back in a few minutes. I agreed. And he did. We talked for about half an hour and arranged that he would pick me up from work on Saturday. I was excited to see him. I was starting to feel that maybe a relationship like "this" with Chris would be good.

The next day a card came in the mail from Chris. It simply said "Next to me, there will always be a place for you." He wrote a thank you for our time on Saturday and put the ball in my court regarding what was next.

I spent a lot of time thinking about that. There was, surprisingly, this part of me that wanted to pursue it... but that part of me was also sitting in fear knowing that Chris was at a stage in his life where marriage was what he was looking for. I knew I loved this guy and that he was my best friend, and that we could have a lot of fun together... but marriage. I was young. I was not looking to get married. Not that dating him meant I had to marry him... but when you know him as well as I do, what could we 'break-up' over? And if we don't 'break-up' and if Chris is at the stage in life to get married, and if my only reason for not getting married is because I am young... what will happen?

I felt like making the decision to pursue this was like making the decision that I would marry him. I rolled this over again and again in my mind... trying to come to terms with the thought of me getting married in the next year or so. Could I do that? Chris was my best friend. I had good girlfriends, but there was no one that I could be so relaxed and comfortable with and just be me. What if dating him messed that up? I cherished our friendship and didn't want to risk losing that.

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