Wednesday, May 25, 2011


That was the beginning.... and bit by bit we moved ahead. We told the kids, began to integrate our lives a bit, and took "test" trips to see how everyone did when crammed in a car together.  We dealt with broken down cars and last minute changes to our schedules.  We had kids who loved each other and then didn't.  There was an entire side to this relationship that was good and wonderful and fun to watch how it wove together.

Then there was the other side...Getting close to someone meant they saw me for how I really was.  They saw my flaws in parenting and in life.  And... someone seeing it - made it very real and made me more accountable.  It was uncomfortable.  That feeling was only exaggerated by having a man in my kids life who was a father and was keenly aware of all the "boy" things I had never done with my boys or exposed them to.  It became extraordinarily clear the gap that had been created from years of single-parenting... from years of not having their father.  There was sadness and pain in that.  My first reaction was to run... but I knew I needed to face this reality that was our life.  There was great things in our life and for years I had just focused on that and had lost sight of what we were missing.  The process of dating "R" caused me to mourn and grieve for the experiences... the simple pleasures my children had lost in their childhood.

One day I stood in the driveway and watched as R played catch with a football with my boys.  I was sad to think my boys had never done that at home before that day.  There was happiness and joy in their eyes.  There was a fun that returned that had not been felt for years.

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