Sunday, May 8, 2011


One of the things I have loved about this blog has been the ability to do it retrospective... I have been able to look back and take the embers... just bringing with me the good and leaving most of the bad and ugly behind.

The last year of my life has been.... life changing... it is time to tell that story.

Last spring in March and April I had many nights that were sleep disturbed as I woke with a question penetrating my mind.  The question was "Do you want to re-marry or do you want a career?".  For many nights I dismissed this until the episode kept repeating itself and I could not deny the feeling that I needed to answer it.  I went to the Lord in prayer and told Him I felt this was coming from Him.  I want to be an instrument in His hands.  I will go and do what He wants.

This did not seem to satisfy as the episodes kept on.  I began to truly study it out in my mind.  The more I did that, the more positive aspects I saw about me being single.  I have the ability to influence some I may not otherwise be able to.  I have friendships I would not otherwise have.  I accomplish and do things I would not be able to.  And, knowing that my desire for a career was to work in television. ... certainly that circle of influence could be powerful. 

I spent weeks prayerfully contemplating this and making a mental list.  I considered the other side... marriage.  I have dated some, and have found it to be too difficult.  It was like when I was preparing for my junior prom and I had a vision in my head of what I wanted my dress to look like.  I looked and looked and could not find the right dress.  My mother was a seamstress and so I visited the fabric store and could not find a pattern to fit what I wanted.  In the end I picked out five patterns... one for sleeves, one for a neck line, one for a bodice, etc and asked that mom combine them to create the dress I had in my head.  My "man" was much like that prom dress.  I had determined over the previous years in trying to date that there were certain "must-haves".... traits that seemed a bit specific and extreme.  Certainly I would need to change that vision in my head to have a chance at finding someone who I would want to marry....

My decision was made.  I'd like to have a career please.

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