Tuesday, May 11, 2010


The question of how long is long enough to wait after the death of a spouse before you begin dating again, is certainly one that will find as many different answers as there are people you ask. According to 'wiki answers':

Years ago there was a set time of a year, but today there isn't a time that is followed by society. I will give you a bit of advice though. After such an life event you need time to center yourself and to know who you are before you invite another person into your life. There is a chance that when you date too soon that you may make a mistake and remarry too fast because you are lonely and alone. A good guideline for a time is 2 years. This gives you time to recover, learn about the dating world, and decide what you want in a person for the future. You can take this advice for what it is worth, but I have found that the more centered and balanced you are with yourself the happier you will be.

Honestly I didn't look for an answer from Google when I found myself facing that question five years ago. I know of people who have given themselves a certain time frame - some sort of commitment that to them signifies they have shown proper respect to their spouse before dating someone new.

For me, my first relationship just happened. I certainly was not looking for it... And I did question in my mind if this was 'ok' or 'too soon'. But, it just happened. We were friends. I was in sales... he was a customer I met a couple months after Chris passed. Our friendship just evolved.

It has been five years since I met him. Guy #1. I think he would like being called #1. :0) We are still friends. Kinda. I say that because when I see him in a public place I don't hesitate to go up and talk to him. But, we aren't chummy... call and talk on the phone kind of friends.

When I met him he was in the middle of a mess in his life. Not a mess like mine, but a mess none the less. We just bonded in our friendship and found comfort in each other... in the escape that our relationship was. When I spent time with him, or talked with him I could laugh like everything was OK in the world. He brought me back to life. I suppose if I had waited two years, as wiki answers suggests, I would have made it there... but Guy #1 instantly brought it back to me.

Obviously ours was not a relationship that developed into marriage. There was some talk about that along the way... but either I was talking and he was busy with other stuff or he was talking and I was on a different page. We never found ourselves there together. What I did find was someone who my kids loved, and who supported me when I needed to be held up. I hope he will look back some day and take the embers from our relationship, as I have, and remember the depth of our friendship. Sometimes I miss that friend. He knows me.. I can predict his behavior. There is just comfort in the relationship. But, we move on.

Wiki does give some good advice.. I guess with me I started to discover what I wanted in the potential of a future husband by dating. I think that makes sense. When I was a teenager... dating helped me determine then the qualities I wanted in a man I married... so I think it makes sense that it would be the same as an adult. But, centered and balanced?? It has been five years... I still don't feel like I am quite there yet!

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