I Am Happy Today Because She Accepts My Dating: Part 1
July 26th, 2007
All right! All right, already! Yes, it’s true. I went on a date. Yes, a date. Well, it was really just lunch…and we met at the restaurant…and she was there under duress. But it was lunch…with an unmarried female…in public. That counts, doesn’t it? Is everyone happy now? Can we all move on?
No, apparently we cannot. At least not until after the debriefing. But we got home late again tonight, so I’ll warn you right now that I’m not going to have time to finish this tonight. You’ll have to content yourselves with just the events leading up to the date for now.
Some people may find this hard to believe…OK, people who don’t know me may find this hard to believe, but even though I have been divorced for almost four years now, I have not been on a single date in that time. There are many reasons for this…none of which I’ll go into right now…but suffice it to say that I have been waiting for the right combination of opportunity, motivation, and energy before I made my move.
Now, I know people are going to ask what I mean by “the right combination of opportunity, motivation, and energy,” so let me give you some examples of situations that might have accelerated the dating process:
1.Jennifer Anniston moving into the ward.
2.Finding accommodations in an apartment complex that also serves as temporary housing for stewardesses.
3.Keira Knightley finally returning my calls.
4.Global nuclear annihilation.
I am as shocked as anyone that none of these very plausible scenarios panned out. (I had my money on #3.) But if fate doesn’t intervene, what can you do?
Well, for one thing, you can get set up on blind dates by well-meaning friends. But I learned very early on that if you say “no” to one blind date, you have to say “no” to them all. Otherwise, you end up with this…
Blind Date Facilitator #1: I heard that Blind Date Facilitator #2 is trying to line you up with someone.
Me: Yes, she is, but…
Blind Date Facilitator #1: But when I tried to line you up with , you said “no.”
Me: Yes, but…
Blind Date Facilitator #1: Well, if you’re going to let Blind Date Facilitator #2 line you up with someone, then you have to let me line you up with .
Me: But I’m not letting…
Blind Date Facilitator #1: I can’t believe you’d go out with someone that Blind Date Facilitator #2 wants to line you up with, but you won’t go out with someone I want to line you up with.
Me: But I’m not…
Blind Date Facilitator #1: You know, I heard that Blind Date Facilitator #2 once lined someone up with an ex-convict. Is that who you want to go out with? Ex-convicts?
Me: No, of course not, but…
Blind Date Facilitator #1: Well, if you won’t let me line you up with , then you probably deserve to go out with ex-convicts!
Me: Now, wait just one minute here…
Blind Date Facilitator #1: You’re not good enough for anyway! I can’t believe I even considered lining you two up. You’re not worthy to kiss the ground walks on.
Me: I don’t think I’d want to…
Blind Date Facilitator #1: See if I ever try to line you up with someone again, you…you…EX-CONVICT DATER!
Then, the following day…
Blind Date Facilitator #2: I heard that Blind Date Facilitator #1 is trying to line you up with someone…
So, my answer is always, “No, thank you.” But this time, my friend Debbie (who, unsurprisingly, played a Jewish mother in last year’s production of Fiddler on the Roof) wouldn’t take “No, thank you,” for an answer. I don’t remember the exact course of our conversations last week, but they went something like this.
Debbie: I want to line you up with my sister-in-law. She’s flying in this week for a family reunion.
Me: No, thank you.
Debbie: She’s really cute.
Me: I’m sure she is. No, thank you.
Debbie: You can at least go out to lunch with her.
Me: No, thank you.
Debbie: Why won’t you go out to lunch with my sister-in-law?
Me: Because, trust me, she has better things to do with her time than go on a date with me. No, thank you.
Debbie: You’re just being dumb. Lunch isn’t going to kill you.
Me: I’m not being dumb and I never said it would kill me. I just said, “No, thank you.”
Debbie: Look, she’s only in town until next Wednesday, so if it turns out to be a lousy date, you never have to see her again. Will you at least think about it over the weekend?
Me: OK, OK! I’ll think about it.
Debbie: She’s really looking forward to your date tomorrow. She likes Chili’s. What time should I tell her you’re going to meet her there?
Me: But I didn’t say “yes!” I said I’d think about it!
Debbie: Well, it’s too late now. How about one o’clock?
Debbie: One o’clock it is!
So, there I was at Chili’s at 12:55pm.
And that’s where we will pick up the story tomorrow…