The amount of healing that has taken place over the last year plus is huge. The cloud is gone, that once was a constant. The time I have had these past couple months not working... but just cleaning up my life... have been a tremendous blessing - but there is more to do.
I need to THRIVE. I need to LIVE my life in such a way that I can look at it and know I am doing my best. I need to break out of the patterns and behaviors I have adopted in my attempt to survive... and I need to return to THRIVING. My friend "S" is going to help me do it. Actually, we are going to help each other do it. She is not a widow.. but many of us for all sorts of different reasons find ourselves simply surviving in life and forget that we should be thriving.
We have six areas of focus: Spiritual, Emotional and Physical health, relationships, work (home or me actually finding a job again... I do need to do that), FUN, and service.
I am looking forward to our adventure together. I will write about it some through the process. I encourage you to join us. Take stock. How is your life? Are you thriving?? :)
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
MOURNING YEARS GONE BY
As I sat in church yesterday, a young family got up to perform a special musical number. The father was on the piano and the mother stood with the children. As I was watching them I was so touched by the sweetness and completeness of this little family. I looked at the three oldest. 9, 7, 5. I was suddenly overcome with feelings of grief. Grieving the years that have passed. Those innocent and precious children were the age my children were when their father passed. So young, so sweet. So wonderful to see this family - we were once a sweet little family as well. The tears started and wouldn't stop. I started getting strange glances from my children. The tears just kept coming and coming. Long after the musical number was over, I was still crying. I felt like I was holding back... allowing the tears but blocking the sobbing that so wanted to come out. I contemplated making a run for the bathroom but felt like I was already making a spectacle of myself and thought that may just exaggerate that. So, I sat and let the tears continue to fall.
I can't say for sure what brought it on - but I can say that the topic of "mourning the years gone by" has been heavy on my heart lately. In moments of frustration the kids have retaliated at me with 'facts from the past' concerning my bad parenting behavior. It has left me reflecting on years I don't care to think about again. Years that I can't re-do. Years that have been wasted. Or so it seems.
The question is really... what would / could I have done differently. My 'bad parenting' is a reflection of trying to be a parent to children who were reacting with anger to their father's death, while trying to grieve the loss of my husband. My patience was short. I was trying to process through my own grief and that left little brain capacity for disobedient children. I was quick to yell, to lose my patience. I was incapable of of doing it.... well. I became this crazy mother that was nothing like I had once been. I look back and wonder what could have changed things. How could I have maintained the happiness and love in that little family and just continued on? Perhaps there is another widow out there that has considered this more or been more successful that could share some tips. For me... I need to forgive myself. I need to let go of the thoughts that they have been years wasted and I need to make the most of the years I now have.
I can't say for sure what brought it on - but I can say that the topic of "mourning the years gone by" has been heavy on my heart lately. In moments of frustration the kids have retaliated at me with 'facts from the past' concerning my bad parenting behavior. It has left me reflecting on years I don't care to think about again. Years that I can't re-do. Years that have been wasted. Or so it seems.
The question is really... what would / could I have done differently. My 'bad parenting' is a reflection of trying to be a parent to children who were reacting with anger to their father's death, while trying to grieve the loss of my husband. My patience was short. I was trying to process through my own grief and that left little brain capacity for disobedient children. I was quick to yell, to lose my patience. I was incapable of of doing it.... well. I became this crazy mother that was nothing like I had once been. I look back and wonder what could have changed things. How could I have maintained the happiness and love in that little family and just continued on? Perhaps there is another widow out there that has considered this more or been more successful that could share some tips. For me... I need to forgive myself. I need to let go of the thoughts that they have been years wasted and I need to make the most of the years I now have.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE
School was cancelled on Monday as the morning temperature read a balmy -16 degrees. It is fitting.
January is always cold... well, because it is January. The week after Chris passed I remember frigid temperatures. There was no deisre to hang around at the cemetary... it was too cold to be outside for too long.
I don't remember January being so bitterly cold in years before Chris' passing.
But since his passing, I remember that week in January following his death. I remember how cold it was. That was the week our back patio cracked from the bitterly cold temperatures (or as a statement of sadness over its' owners' death).
The cold sticks out to me now.... the temperatures in the negatives. It seems very fitting for the events that transpired in my life in the month of January.
January is always cold... well, because it is January. The week after Chris passed I remember frigid temperatures. There was no deisre to hang around at the cemetary... it was too cold to be outside for too long.
I don't remember January being so bitterly cold in years before Chris' passing.
But since his passing, I remember that week in January following his death. I remember how cold it was. That was the week our back patio cracked from the bitterly cold temperatures (or as a statement of sadness over its' owners' death).
The cold sticks out to me now.... the temperatures in the negatives. It seems very fitting for the events that transpired in my life in the month of January.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
SIX YEARS
On my last day of work a couple weeks ago, I came home to flowers from a friend with a note that read, "To brighten your day and celebrate a new door opening in your life!"
I feel as though that has been my theme this year. Moving forward... new doors opening... I have gained tremendous strength and finished much of the healing process. I am liking the person I am becoming and accepting myself in all my weaknesses. My kids are stronger.. they are better. It truly felt like a milestone year.
We attended church today, my oldest went home with a friend following church and the younger two are snug on the couch with each other watching a movie. Chris died on a Sunday. It is odd thinking the years have gone by enough for the 16th to fall on the same day of the week. It has my mind thinking forward to the events of the days that followed.
I asked my kids today to tell me some 'stories' they remember about their dad. This is what they told me... in their words:
Wrestling on the furry white carpet at Grandma's house.
He woke us up late at night and made us finish our chores.
Packing us a lunch box to go to grandma's and then watching him work (he packed pringles).
When we worked with him he gave us cracker sticks with cheese (in the little packages).
In the winter when he plowed at Grandma's he would make us big hills to sled on.
When we went to the hospital to see him they gave us popsicles.
When he was sick I (daughter) would come home from school and sit in his blue chair with him and watch TV with him.
He made me (youngest son) fried bologna for lunch.
We wanted to play in the sprinkler but he made us clean our room.
He put the train around the Christmas Tree.
He read us Harry Potter every night.
He told us ghost stories.
He took us to plane shows and car shows.
He took us out on the boat and when he turned fast our sister would cry.
He had dogs.
He showed us a stick bug.
Six years and moving forward. Life goes on. The Lord compensates for the loss. Joy is felt.
I think I am going to put in a fire.... and join the kids for the movie. And tonight when I say my prayers... I am going to express my gratitude for the tender mecies and the blessings that have made my cup to 'runneth over'.
I feel as though that has been my theme this year. Moving forward... new doors opening... I have gained tremendous strength and finished much of the healing process. I am liking the person I am becoming and accepting myself in all my weaknesses. My kids are stronger.. they are better. It truly felt like a milestone year.
We attended church today, my oldest went home with a friend following church and the younger two are snug on the couch with each other watching a movie. Chris died on a Sunday. It is odd thinking the years have gone by enough for the 16th to fall on the same day of the week. It has my mind thinking forward to the events of the days that followed.
I asked my kids today to tell me some 'stories' they remember about their dad. This is what they told me... in their words:
Wrestling on the furry white carpet at Grandma's house.
He woke us up late at night and made us finish our chores.
Packing us a lunch box to go to grandma's and then watching him work (he packed pringles).
When we worked with him he gave us cracker sticks with cheese (in the little packages).
In the winter when he plowed at Grandma's he would make us big hills to sled on.
When we went to the hospital to see him they gave us popsicles.
When he was sick I (daughter) would come home from school and sit in his blue chair with him and watch TV with him.
He made me (youngest son) fried bologna for lunch.
We wanted to play in the sprinkler but he made us clean our room.
He put the train around the Christmas Tree.
He read us Harry Potter every night.
He told us ghost stories.
He took us to plane shows and car shows.
He took us out on the boat and when he turned fast our sister would cry.
He had dogs.
He showed us a stick bug.
Six years and moving forward. Life goes on. The Lord compensates for the loss. Joy is felt.
I think I am going to put in a fire.... and join the kids for the movie. And tonight when I say my prayers... I am going to express my gratitude for the tender mecies and the blessings that have made my cup to 'runneth over'.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
MY BOOK OF EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING A BETTER BLOGGER
I don't typically use this site to truly log in like a diary... but I have not exactly been keeping up on my journal either.
I committed to myself that all that was captured here would be the embers.. and all ashes would be left behind. I hope today's entry does not stray from that commitment too much.
Let me just take a moment to say... I hope to get back to blogging soon. My goal was one year. I did well... for quite a while... but I have been bad about it lately. Perhaps I need to update my goal to be 365 posts.
I don't mean to make excuses for my lack of writing... but I know my fellow widows will understand that sometimes life just hits you from all directions. I wish I could offer some consoling words that eventually it stops. I will say I am better equipped, emotionally and otherwise, to handle the storms... but the storms continue to rage.
In the last six months my oldest moved back home after a hiatus of living with his uncle and their family. He has on multiple occasions tested the boundaries, I am certain as a way of questioning if he will be 'sent away' again. He continually comments that life was better there. I know he loved his time there - but I think the comments are just a way for him to test and see if I am going to send him back. He is looking for reaction. His grades are not good. I made the decision to hire a tutor to come in every day. Financially it put a pinch on things - but the stress it has removed from me is huge. He has been vocal about his feelings / or lack of feelings regarding the existence of God. I treaded lightly on those waters, as for any who read here regularly know that my faith in God is unwavering. I credit Him for getting me here today. sane (or at least pretty close to it). I have felt his watchful eye and caring hand for me and my family. There is a part of me that would react with anger at the mere mention that God does not exist. For - how could my son be so ungrateful. We have so much. God has truly compensated in our lives for the loss of my husband. I bit my tongue... spent many hours on multiple occasions listening and did a lot of praying to know when to stop biting my tongue (it was starting to hurt) and when to open my mouth and what to say when I did. Currently we are taking a hiatus from his life of "atheism". He commented to me the other day that things are better at home. We are all getting along better. I could tell you the moment it changed. And perhaps I will someday. For now, I will just say that my Father in Heaven truly loves me. He is there for me and answers my prayers in time. I was given the strength to endure and the words to say when needed. I don't believe that battle is over - but it has quited for now. His behavior in church was such that he was "eliminated" from his Sunday School class. I feel badly for the poor Bishopric member who showed up at my house and had to witness my tears and pleading that SOMEONE would help me in my efforts of single parenting. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is perfect in its organization. As 'men' we are not always perfect in carrying it out. I 'should' have resources available to me... a home teacher.. a Young Men's president, something. I felt alone. I am tired of trying to do it alone. This poor man had to sit and endure my tears and pleadings for help. After he left I got a hold of myself and stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized that my oldest may not have 'local' support like I wish he did - but because of my calling at church he has the attention and interest of the Stake YM President and his councilors.. they seek him out.. they call him at home. They challenge him to complete things and to stretch himself. They have a relationship with him. We are not without anyone... God fills in where needed.
My calling at church has taken some time for me to begin to settle in to. I still feel very inadequate and out of my element... but I am starting to 'settle' and 'catch up' on all that needs to be done.
I have been given a date for my last day at work. Up and down... up and down...they have finally eliminated my position. This is not a surprise. I saw it coming for a long time. They have taken care of me on my departure... another blessing from above. I suppose I should be concerned... single mother and all... but even my kids are looking forward to it. My friend's eight-year old son asked me what I was going to do. I told him I am going to just be a mom for awhile. I miss that.
All this and more has encompassed the last few months of my life. The addition to it all is I am dating someone who is wonderful. Finding the time to dedicate to fostering that relationship is near impossible.. but as with everything in single parenthood it becomes a game of prioritization. Less gets done around the house in exchange for time with someone great. But - alas I am and always have been a bit of a 'freak show'. So, while the entrance of this person is wonderful... there are a slew of emotions to cope with along the way. Perhaps I will touch more on that another day.... I could say a lot about that.
My good girlfriend is undergoing chemo for breast cancer. She just started a week or two ago. My husband's cousin was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My friend from work is working on recovering from non-hodgkin's lymphoma, and a friend from my b.w. life (that is Before Widowhood) is battling cancer with her young son. I am looking forward to some time of not working.. perhaps will give me a chance to give back to everyone that has given to me.
I'd say enough whining!! On to blogging!!! But - really I hope you read this with the right tone. I am not whining. I still testify that my Father in Heaven loves and cares for me. He knows me. And He must see potential for more growth in me... cause the storms still rage. I am glad He has confidence in me! :)
I committed to myself that all that was captured here would be the embers.. and all ashes would be left behind. I hope today's entry does not stray from that commitment too much.
Let me just take a moment to say... I hope to get back to blogging soon. My goal was one year. I did well... for quite a while... but I have been bad about it lately. Perhaps I need to update my goal to be 365 posts.
I don't mean to make excuses for my lack of writing... but I know my fellow widows will understand that sometimes life just hits you from all directions. I wish I could offer some consoling words that eventually it stops. I will say I am better equipped, emotionally and otherwise, to handle the storms... but the storms continue to rage.
In the last six months my oldest moved back home after a hiatus of living with his uncle and their family. He has on multiple occasions tested the boundaries, I am certain as a way of questioning if he will be 'sent away' again. He continually comments that life was better there. I know he loved his time there - but I think the comments are just a way for him to test and see if I am going to send him back. He is looking for reaction. His grades are not good. I made the decision to hire a tutor to come in every day. Financially it put a pinch on things - but the stress it has removed from me is huge. He has been vocal about his feelings / or lack of feelings regarding the existence of God. I treaded lightly on those waters, as for any who read here regularly know that my faith in God is unwavering. I credit Him for getting me here today. sane (or at least pretty close to it). I have felt his watchful eye and caring hand for me and my family. There is a part of me that would react with anger at the mere mention that God does not exist. For - how could my son be so ungrateful. We have so much. God has truly compensated in our lives for the loss of my husband. I bit my tongue... spent many hours on multiple occasions listening and did a lot of praying to know when to stop biting my tongue (it was starting to hurt) and when to open my mouth and what to say when I did. Currently we are taking a hiatus from his life of "atheism". He commented to me the other day that things are better at home. We are all getting along better. I could tell you the moment it changed. And perhaps I will someday. For now, I will just say that my Father in Heaven truly loves me. He is there for me and answers my prayers in time. I was given the strength to endure and the words to say when needed. I don't believe that battle is over - but it has quited for now. His behavior in church was such that he was "eliminated" from his Sunday School class. I feel badly for the poor Bishopric member who showed up at my house and had to witness my tears and pleading that SOMEONE would help me in my efforts of single parenting. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is perfect in its organization. As 'men' we are not always perfect in carrying it out. I 'should' have resources available to me... a home teacher.. a Young Men's president, something. I felt alone. I am tired of trying to do it alone. This poor man had to sit and endure my tears and pleadings for help. After he left I got a hold of myself and stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized that my oldest may not have 'local' support like I wish he did - but because of my calling at church he has the attention and interest of the Stake YM President and his councilors.. they seek him out.. they call him at home. They challenge him to complete things and to stretch himself. They have a relationship with him. We are not without anyone... God fills in where needed.
My calling at church has taken some time for me to begin to settle in to. I still feel very inadequate and out of my element... but I am starting to 'settle' and 'catch up' on all that needs to be done.
I have been given a date for my last day at work. Up and down... up and down...they have finally eliminated my position. This is not a surprise. I saw it coming for a long time. They have taken care of me on my departure... another blessing from above. I suppose I should be concerned... single mother and all... but even my kids are looking forward to it. My friend's eight-year old son asked me what I was going to do. I told him I am going to just be a mom for awhile. I miss that.
All this and more has encompassed the last few months of my life. The addition to it all is I am dating someone who is wonderful. Finding the time to dedicate to fostering that relationship is near impossible.. but as with everything in single parenthood it becomes a game of prioritization. Less gets done around the house in exchange for time with someone great. But - alas I am and always have been a bit of a 'freak show'. So, while the entrance of this person is wonderful... there are a slew of emotions to cope with along the way. Perhaps I will touch more on that another day.... I could say a lot about that.
My good girlfriend is undergoing chemo for breast cancer. She just started a week or two ago. My husband's cousin was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My friend from work is working on recovering from non-hodgkin's lymphoma, and a friend from my b.w. life (that is Before Widowhood) is battling cancer with her young son. I am looking forward to some time of not working.. perhaps will give me a chance to give back to everyone that has given to me.
I'd say enough whining!! On to blogging!!! But - really I hope you read this with the right tone. I am not whining. I still testify that my Father in Heaven loves and cares for me. He knows me. And He must see potential for more growth in me... cause the storms still rage. I am glad He has confidence in me! :)
Friday, October 22, 2010
REFLECTIONS.... QUESTIONS...
It is late.
Autumn is in the air tonight. I celebrated with a fire in the fire place. I find peace in this spot. Sitting in front of the last few embers and hearing the crackling. The embers remind me of my promise. I want to look forward with faith. I want to take the embers and leave the ashes.
My emotions are strong this evening. Reflection of almost six years. My decisions and the consequences of them. Was I wrong? Was I selfish? Have I made decisions that have harmed my children? What could I have done better? Why have I not been stronger? Wiser?
Six years is a long time. Have I respected that time by making the most out of it?
I am not who I would have been. My children are not who they would have been. Perhaps there is a purpose in that? Were we meant to be the people we have now become or the people we were on the path to becoming before?
My boys do not know the things their father knew. They want to. I see in them that internal desire to have his knowledge and wisdom. To be a source of help to others, to be able to fix one of the hundred things that have and do go wrong around the house. But, who is there to teach them? So, days and years pass.... many of those broken things go un-repaired. That is not the kind of home we once had. I see their yearning for yesterdays now gone.
Which part is mine? Which part is God's? I spend so much of my life surviving... sometimes I feel as though my kids have lost their father and their mother.
I reflect on years of wanting the insanity to stop. Wanting to just breathe. Those moments came (as moments only) - but life still has a void. A void that was not filled when the insanity stopped. I wanted to be still - but by being still, did my children miss out on learning and opportunities for a full life?
We live life 'my' way now. I miss the life that was 'our' way. But, I have strove to make the present a good place to be. I stretch myself physically and financially sometimes to give my kids other things. Things they may never have experienced in 'our' life... buy in 'my' life they exist. Perhaps it is my way of attempting to compensate... to fill their lives to cover the void. I don't think that is all a bad thing, is it? It is not like the void was going to go away... why not fill it with new adventures?
What will my final reflection be? Have I chosen wisely?
Autumn is in the air tonight. I celebrated with a fire in the fire place. I find peace in this spot. Sitting in front of the last few embers and hearing the crackling. The embers remind me of my promise. I want to look forward with faith. I want to take the embers and leave the ashes.
My emotions are strong this evening. Reflection of almost six years. My decisions and the consequences of them. Was I wrong? Was I selfish? Have I made decisions that have harmed my children? What could I have done better? Why have I not been stronger? Wiser?
Six years is a long time. Have I respected that time by making the most out of it?
I am not who I would have been. My children are not who they would have been. Perhaps there is a purpose in that? Were we meant to be the people we have now become or the people we were on the path to becoming before?
My boys do not know the things their father knew. They want to. I see in them that internal desire to have his knowledge and wisdom. To be a source of help to others, to be able to fix one of the hundred things that have and do go wrong around the house. But, who is there to teach them? So, days and years pass.... many of those broken things go un-repaired. That is not the kind of home we once had. I see their yearning for yesterdays now gone.
Which part is mine? Which part is God's? I spend so much of my life surviving... sometimes I feel as though my kids have lost their father and their mother.
I reflect on years of wanting the insanity to stop. Wanting to just breathe. Those moments came (as moments only) - but life still has a void. A void that was not filled when the insanity stopped. I wanted to be still - but by being still, did my children miss out on learning and opportunities for a full life?
We live life 'my' way now. I miss the life that was 'our' way. But, I have strove to make the present a good place to be. I stretch myself physically and financially sometimes to give my kids other things. Things they may never have experienced in 'our' life... buy in 'my' life they exist. Perhaps it is my way of attempting to compensate... to fill their lives to cover the void. I don't think that is all a bad thing, is it? It is not like the void was going to go away... why not fill it with new adventures?
What will my final reflection be? Have I chosen wisely?
Friday, October 1, 2010
WANTED: ONE PERFECT FOR ME JOB
The company I work for has been sold. Due to the nature of my position (I assist the owner, who as a result of the sale, is no longer the owner), I need to find a new job.
I don't know how long I have left where I am, but I have been urged to start looking for a job.
So, how do I get a job doing something I have no work experience in? And where might I find a job?
I have done sales... but I don't like sales when I HAVE to hit my quota or else. Too much pressure.
I have been an Executive Assistant... I am sooo bored.
So, this is what I need. I would like to do training. One of two kinds would be my preferred. I would like to be a trainer for sales OR an employee development trainer.
The other option is for me to be the next Rachel Ray. I don't cook - but I would like to launch a little empire like she has. I love being on TV. It makes me happy. I would promise to entertain you all! I think you would like me. What should my show be on? And then HOW DO YOU DO THAT? How do you get THAT kind of job? Alright - I have posted the question for the world to see. I will be awaiting the response. It's time. I need a new job. Can I get a fun and fulfilling one this time?
On "P.S. I Love You", she had the job of her dreams within a year of her husband's death. I am coming up on six years. It's time. Who can help?
I don't know how long I have left where I am, but I have been urged to start looking for a job.
So, how do I get a job doing something I have no work experience in? And where might I find a job?
I have done sales... but I don't like sales when I HAVE to hit my quota or else. Too much pressure.
I have been an Executive Assistant... I am sooo bored.
So, this is what I need. I would like to do training. One of two kinds would be my preferred. I would like to be a trainer for sales OR an employee development trainer.
The other option is for me to be the next Rachel Ray. I don't cook - but I would like to launch a little empire like she has. I love being on TV. It makes me happy. I would promise to entertain you all! I think you would like me. What should my show be on? And then HOW DO YOU DO THAT? How do you get THAT kind of job? Alright - I have posted the question for the world to see. I will be awaiting the response. It's time. I need a new job. Can I get a fun and fulfilling one this time?
On "P.S. I Love You", she had the job of her dreams within a year of her husband's death. I am coming up on six years. It's time. Who can help?
Monday, September 27, 2010
BIRTHDAYS ARE MEANT TO BE CELEBRATED
Today would have been Chris' 45th birthday. Six years ago his birthday was celebrated with a Barium drink and lots of scans. We have continuted to celebrate his birthday every year. I feel like we need to. It is consistently a more emotional day for me. Years pass, but I still feel it inside. It does lessen, but it is still there.
This year, we are in the full swing of life. Kids have places to be and our evenings are pretty packed.
I called the pizza place and ordered the pizza from Chris' favoite place, with Chris' favorite wings. I can't remember the last time I ordered from there. Who knew so many memories could exist in a slice of pizza. I had hoped we would also make it to our favorite (and Chris' favorite) ice cream shop, but time just did not allow.
But, we (or perhaps it was just I) sang happy birthday and celebrated, in our rushed way, his life. We miss him. But life has continued. We are blessed. We will go on.
This year, we are in the full swing of life. Kids have places to be and our evenings are pretty packed.
I called the pizza place and ordered the pizza from Chris' favoite place, with Chris' favorite wings. I can't remember the last time I ordered from there. Who knew so many memories could exist in a slice of pizza. I had hoped we would also make it to our favorite (and Chris' favorite) ice cream shop, but time just did not allow.
But, we (or perhaps it was just I) sang happy birthday and celebrated, in our rushed way, his life. We miss him. But life has continued. We are blessed. We will go on.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
I AM CRAZY
I am crazy
I tell people that, but they don’t always believe me. I guess it is all in how you define it.
My crazy: I run on hyper-speed most the time. I have trouble sitting down and relaxing. I get pushed closer to the edge with every item that hits my “to-do” in a day that I didn’t anticipate. If you mess with my time, or waste it in any way, watch out. I over react to certain situations especially when I am tired (which happens to be most the time).
That is my crazy… what I am still working on… is how to fix it. I don’t know. But, I can tell you my “now” crazy is nothing like what my “old” crazy was. This is much more intense. It is odd the ways that widowhood changes you.
I tell people that, but they don’t always believe me. I guess it is all in how you define it.
My crazy: I run on hyper-speed most the time. I have trouble sitting down and relaxing. I get pushed closer to the edge with every item that hits my “to-do” in a day that I didn’t anticipate. If you mess with my time, or waste it in any way, watch out. I over react to certain situations especially when I am tired (which happens to be most the time).
That is my crazy… what I am still working on… is how to fix it. I don’t know. But, I can tell you my “now” crazy is nothing like what my “old” crazy was. This is much more intense. It is odd the ways that widowhood changes you.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
IS IT BAD TO BE GLAD?
Is it? Is it bad to be glad? I am sure it sounds strange that I could even think to be glad for the path God has placed before me. There is much of a burden to carry, but I see the wisdom in this path.
I have had the opportunity to become someone I never would have. There is good and bad in that. I see my weaknesses very plainly. But the good is very good. And I am grateful for that opportunity for growth. I have been pushed to my limits like I never would have otherwise. And when I have been (am) on the brink... I seem to have strength beyond my own.
It is like a muscle I suppose. It may hurt when you do the last rep.. but by doing it you become stronger. I am grateful for that strength this journey has given me.
I have had the opportunity to become someone I never would have. There is good and bad in that. I see my weaknesses very plainly. But the good is very good. And I am grateful for that opportunity for growth. I have been pushed to my limits like I never would have otherwise. And when I have been (am) on the brink... I seem to have strength beyond my own.
It is like a muscle I suppose. It may hurt when you do the last rep.. but by doing it you become stronger. I am grateful for that strength this journey has given me.
Friday, July 23, 2010
ALL THE PIECES TURNED UPSIDE DOWN
17 years later...
The first two years that I was a widow, I felt there was too much change. It was constant. I was moving, my job was changing, the kid's needs were changing, and as you have read, my boyfriends were changing. I felt I couldn't get a handle on anything... as soon as I thought I was starting to get things figured out - it was fruit basket upset.
Three years ago when I moved into the home I am now in, I prayed and prayed that this would be the end for awhile. That things would calm down and there would be some continuity. Bit by bit that seemed to come. I started to be able to see and think clearly.
I suppose the thing with the lack of change is, you start to become so complacent, you can lose out on opportunities to learn and grow. So, sometimes, the Lord gives a little push to your house of cards... and things get all turned upside down.
I feel like that is my life right now... one by one every aspect of my life is experiencing change. When it started.. I didn't think anything of it... then the second element of my life.. then the third, and on.
Change is happening... All the pieces of my carefully put together puzzle have been thrown in the air and turned upside down. And yet, I have full confidence that when the pieces all settle back down, the picture of my life will be better than what I have now.
The first two years that I was a widow, I felt there was too much change. It was constant. I was moving, my job was changing, the kid's needs were changing, and as you have read, my boyfriends were changing. I felt I couldn't get a handle on anything... as soon as I thought I was starting to get things figured out - it was fruit basket upset.
Three years ago when I moved into the home I am now in, I prayed and prayed that this would be the end for awhile. That things would calm down and there would be some continuity. Bit by bit that seemed to come. I started to be able to see and think clearly.
I suppose the thing with the lack of change is, you start to become so complacent, you can lose out on opportunities to learn and grow. So, sometimes, the Lord gives a little push to your house of cards... and things get all turned upside down.
I feel like that is my life right now... one by one every aspect of my life is experiencing change. When it started.. I didn't think anything of it... then the second element of my life.. then the third, and on.
Change is happening... All the pieces of my carefully put together puzzle have been thrown in the air and turned upside down. And yet, I have full confidence that when the pieces all settle back down, the picture of my life will be better than what I have now.
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