GOD KNOWS YOU

Dieter F. Uchtdorf:

"Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him. Have hope and faith in that promise. Learn to love your Heavenly Father and become His disciple in word and in deed.


Be assured that if you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful in keeping the commandments, one day you will experience for yourself the promises revealed to the Apostle Paul: “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him” (1 Corinthians 2:9).

Brothers and sisters, the most powerful Being in the universe is the Father of your spirit. He knows you. He loves you with a perfect love.

God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him."

MOURNING YEARS GONE BY

As I sat in church yesterday, a young family got up to perform a special musical number. The father was on the piano and the mother stood with the children. As I was watching them I was so touched by the sweetness and completeness of this little family. I looked at the three oldest. 9, 7, 5. I was suddenly overcome with feelings of grief. Grieving the years that have passed. Those innocent and precious children were the age my children were when their father passed. So young, so sweet. So wonderful to see this family - we were once a sweet little family as well. The tears started and wouldn't stop. I started getting strange glances from my children. The tears just kept coming and coming. Long after the musical number was over, I was still crying. I felt like I was holding back... allowing the tears but blocking the sobbing that so wanted to come out. I contemplated making a run for the bathroom but felt like I was already making a spectacle of myself and thought that may just exaggerate that. So, I sat and let the tears continue to fall.

I can't say for sure what brought it on - but I can say that the topic of "mourning the years gone by" has been heavy on my heart lately. In moments of frustration the kids have retaliated at me with 'facts from the past' concerning my bad parenting behavior. It has left me reflecting on years I don't care to think about again. Years that I can't re-do. Years that have been wasted. Or so it seems.

The question is really... what would / could I have done differently. My 'bad parenting' is a reflection of trying to be a parent to children who were reacting with anger to their father's death, while trying to grieve the loss of my husband. My patience was short. I was trying to process through my own grief and that left little brain capacity for disobedient children. I was quick to yell, to lose my patience. I was incapable of of doing it.... well. I became this crazy mother that was nothing like I had once been. I look back and wonder what could have changed things. How could I have maintained the happiness and love in that little family and just continued on? Perhaps there is another widow out there that has considered this more or been more successful that could share some tips. For me... I need to forgive myself. I need to let go of the thoughts that they have been years wasted and I need to make the most of the years I now have.

THE GRAVE HATH NO VICTORY

The grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.
Mosiah 16:8

AFFLICTIONS AND MUCH SORROW

I don't know the particulars of how it works when you "invent" something. Do you get to keep collecting money every time that item is sold or improved on? Is it like Hugh Grant in About a Boy, where the next generation doesn't have to work because they can sit back and collect the royalties?

I hope so. Especially for those who invented things like dishwashers and indoor plumbing. As a widow, with very little 'extra' time for leisure type activities, one of my favorite inventions has been 'books on tape (CD)'. That is fabulous. I would not have 'read' one book in the past five years if it wasn't for that invention. But, instead I have 'read' several children's mystery/action books, some inspirational ones for me, and even Twilight!

I was driving in the car last week and started to click through the CD's in my player to see what was there for me to listen to. I stopped at The Book of Mormon and decided some on-the-go scripture study may be just what my soul was needing. I was in 2 Nephi. Lehi is getting ready to die. He is talking to each of his children to counsel them and bear his testimony to them(reminded me of the day Chris passed when he had an opportunity to do that for his children). I got to Chapter 2 and it began... "And now, Jacob, I speak unto you: Thou art my first-born in the days of my tribulation in the wilderness. And behold, in thy childhood thou hast suffered afflictions and much sorrow, because of the rudeness of thy brethren. Nevertheless, Jacob, my first-born in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions‍ for thy gain. "

I stopped, went back and listened to it again and again. Then I did as Nephi did, when studying Isaiah, as recorded in 1 Nephi 19:23, "I did liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning."

Then as I listed to the scripture again I heard "And now, my children (specifically my three), I speak unto you. And behold, in thy childhood thou hast suffered afflictions and much sorrow, because of the passing of your father. Nevertheless, my children, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions‍ for thy gain. "

I knew in that moment very clearly and strongly, and I will testify to each of your now. That is true. I believe that when we are subjected to afflictions and much sorrow because of others or because of things that have happened to us in our lives, that God will consecrate those afflictions for our gain. I know that I need not worry about that pain and suffering my kids have endured, because every tear of suffering and sorrow will be returned a hundred times in the form of a blessing to them. The Lord knows, cares, and loves us. He will make right any affliction that is placed upon us.

WATCHING THEM GROW UP

I was just watching the movie The Last Song. I didn't know anything about the movie... it just looked like a good clean family movie to watch.

My father-in-law died in an industrial accident years ago, before he was my father-in-law. Our families were friends, so I still remember very clearly when I was told he had passed. There had been an explosion, he was burned badly. He had survived a couple days, but then passed.

In the early days of the TV Show ER, I used to enjoy watching it. My mother-in-law would watch with me. I remember one time the subject matter of the show was a case involving a burn victim. My mother-in-law left the room. She couldn't watch. I understood, but didn't understand what that felt like.

Tonight as I was watching the movie, I found it was about a father who had been estranged from his children. He has them come stay with him for the summer. As the movie unfolds you discover he is dying from cancer. It is still hard to watch that. I find it impossible to watch it - without feeling those feelings all over again. Without looking at the 'reality' of life as I know it.... as my kids know it. Without feeling the pain all over again of my kids growing up without their father. Now, years later, I can truly understand what that must have felt like for my mother-in-law. Why she preferred to change the channel on those nights.

In the movie the older sister comments regarding her younger brother that her dad won't get to see him grow up.

I would just like to disagree with that, if I may. My kids are not the little kids they were when their father passed. They have grown up. They are turning into teenagers, young adults with mature thoughts and decision making power. They have missed the daily interaction with their father. Had he been here, they would have become someone else. But, even though he was not here... I know that he has watched them grow up. He has been there for them in moments he could not have been otherwise. He has not been able to physically hold them or discipline them, but he has been able to help them feel his love for them when they needed it. He has watched them grow up. Death takes away many things, but that is not one of them.

NEVER ALONE

As I read the following story told by James E. Faust, it reminded me of how I felt facing my life alone after Chris' passing. It reminded me of the gratitude I felt (feel) for a loving Father in Heaven who knows me and loves me and walks beside me. We never are alone... unless we choose to walk away from Him.

"One young woman became much more aware of the wonderful relationship we have to our Heavenly Father when she left home for the first time to go to college. Her father gave her a blessing and expressed his love. Then she writes:

'I clung to his words of love and support as I said a painful good-bye to my family. I felt alone and scared in those uncharted waters. Before I left the apartment that morning, I knelt down to ask for help. Desperately I pleaded with my Heavenly Father for strength to be able to face the college world all alone. I had left my family and friends and everything familiar the day before, and I knew I needed His help.

'My prayers were answered as I reflected on the tender experience with my father the day before. A wave of comfort fell over me as I realized that I had not come to college with the blessing of just my earthly father. I suddenly felt that one day, not so long ago, my Heavenly Father had held me close in His arms. Perhaps He gave me words of advice and encouragement and told me that He believed in me, just as my earthly father had. And at that moment, I knew that I am never without the perfect love and endless support of my Father in Heaven.”

SIX YEARS

On my last day of work a couple weeks ago, I came home to flowers from a friend with a note that read, "To brighten your day and celebrate a new door opening in your life!"

I feel as though that has been my theme this year. Moving forward... new doors opening... I have gained tremendous strength and finished much of the healing process. I am liking the person I am becoming and accepting myself in all my weaknesses. My kids are stronger.. they are better. It truly felt like a milestone year.

We attended church today, my oldest went home with a friend following church and the younger two are snug on the couch with each other watching a movie. Chris died on a Sunday. It is odd thinking the years have gone by enough for the 16th to fall on the same day of the week. It has my mind thinking forward to the events of the days that followed.

I asked my kids today to tell me some 'stories' they remember about their dad. This is what they told me... in their words:


Wrestling on the furry white carpet at Grandma's house.

He woke us up late at night and made us finish our chores.

Packing us a lunch box to go to grandma's and then watching him work (he packed pringles).

When we worked with him he gave us cracker sticks with cheese (in the little packages).

In the winter when he plowed at Grandma's he would make us big hills to sled on.

When we went to the hospital to see him they gave us popsicles.

When he was sick I (daughter) would come home from school and sit in his blue chair with him and watch TV with him.

He made me (youngest son) fried bologna for lunch.

We wanted to play in the sprinkler but he made us clean our room.

He put the train around the Christmas Tree.

He read us Harry Potter every night.

He told us ghost stories.

He took us to plane shows and car shows.

He took us out on the boat and when he turned fast our sister would cry.

He had dogs.

He showed us a stick bug.

Six years and moving forward. Life goes on. The Lord compensates for the loss. Joy is felt.

I think I am going to put in a fire.... and join the kids for the movie. And tonight when I say my prayers... I am going to express my gratitude for the tender mecies and the blessings that have made my cup to 'runneth over'.

MORE ON LIVING....

“It may not be on the mountain height Or over the stormy sea, It may not be at the battle’s front My Lord will have need of me. But if, by a still, small voice he calls To paths that I do not know, I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine: I’ll go where you want me to go.”

Living our lives as instruments in the Lord’s hands is a matter of faith and trust in God that he will direct our paths for good... Henry B. Eyring said, “Trust comes from knowing God.” In Psalm 46:10 we read, “Be still, and know that I am God” I cannot tell you how this faith is developed for everyone, but I can tell you for me it was a process. A process that began with an internal desire and a curiosity. The visual was intriguing. A poem by Myra Brooks Welch:

’Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer Thought it scarcely worth his while To waste much time on the old violin, But held it up with a smile: “What am I bidden, good folks,” he cried, “Who’ll start the bidding for me?” “A dollar, a dollar”; then, “Two!” “Only two? Two dollars, and who’ll make it three? Three dollars, once; three dollars, twice; Going for three—” But no, From the room, far back, a gray-haired man came forward and picked up the bow; Then, wiping the dust from the old violin, And tightening the loose strings, He played a melody pure and sweet as a caroling angel sings. The music ceased, and the auctioneer, with a voice that was quiet and low, said, “What am I bid for the old violin?” And he held it up with the bow. “A thousand dollars, and who’ll make it two? Two thousand! And who’ll make it three? Three thousand, once, three thousand, twice, And going, and gone!” said he. The people cheered, but some of them cried, “We do not quite understand what changed its worth.” Swift came the reply: “The touch of a master’s hand.” And many a man with life out of tune, and battered and scarred with sin, is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd, much like the old violin. A “mess of pottage,” a glass of wine, A game—and he travels on. He’s “going” once, and “going” twice, He’s “going” and almost “gone.” But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd never can quite understand the worth of a soul and the change that’s wrought by the touch of the Master’s hand.

Often I feel like I am much like that violin. I am simple and often look battered and scarred. Life has me in a rush. I am not someone within my community who anyone would look to as a person of great value.

My daughter plays the violin and I remember the first concert we went to. It began with the “Beginners” and proceeded to more advanced levels from there. When the “Beginners” came out on stage they ‘squeaked’ out the melody “Mississippi Hot Dog”. It was a bit painful. But the proud parents applauded. At the end of the concert the Advanced students played a melody that was beautiful to listen to.

If I am that violin… what tune do I want to have played? Do I want to be Mississippi Hot Dog forever? Because I certainly feel that despite my life experience thus far, I am still a beginner and when attempting to control my own life… watching me can be painful. But I, as each of us, has the opportunity for the Master’s hand to touch my life and use me as His instrument in creating a symphony. When faced with that choice, I want, hands down, to be used by Him… to be a part of something I could not conduct on my own.

MY BOOK OF EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING A BETTER BLOGGER

I don't typically use this site to truly log in like a diary... but I have not exactly been keeping up on my journal either.

I committed to myself that all that was captured here would be the embers.. and all ashes would be left behind. I hope today's entry does not stray from that commitment too much.

Let me just take a moment to say... I hope to get back to blogging soon. My goal was one year. I did well... for quite a while... but I have been bad about it lately. Perhaps I need to update my goal to be 365 posts.

I don't mean to make excuses for my lack of writing... but I know my fellow widows will understand that sometimes life just hits you from all directions. I wish I could offer some consoling words that eventually it stops. I will say I am better equipped, emotionally and otherwise, to handle the storms... but the storms continue to rage.

In the last six months my oldest moved back home after a hiatus of living with his uncle and their family. He has on multiple occasions tested the boundaries, I am certain as a way of questioning if he will be 'sent away' again. He continually comments that life was better there. I know he loved his time there - but I think the comments are just a way for him to test and see if I am going to send him back. He is looking for reaction. His grades are not good. I made the decision to hire a tutor to come in every day. Financially it put a pinch on things - but the stress it has removed from me is huge. He has been vocal about his feelings / or lack of feelings regarding the existence of God. I treaded lightly on those waters, as for any who read here regularly know that my faith in God is unwavering. I credit Him for getting me here today. sane (or at least pretty close to it). I have felt his watchful eye and caring hand for me and my family. There is a part of me that would react with anger at the mere mention that God does not exist. For - how could my son be so ungrateful. We have so much. God has truly compensated in our lives for the loss of my husband. I bit my tongue... spent many hours on multiple occasions listening and did a lot of praying to know when to stop biting my tongue (it was starting to hurt) and when to open my mouth and what to say when I did. Currently we are taking a hiatus from his life of "atheism". He commented to me the other day that things are better at home. We are all getting along better. I could tell you the moment it changed. And perhaps I will someday. For now, I will just say that my Father in Heaven truly loves me. He is there for me and answers my prayers in time. I was given the strength to endure and the words to say when needed. I don't believe that battle is over - but it has quited for now. His behavior in church was such that he was "eliminated" from his Sunday School class. I feel badly for the poor Bishopric member who showed up at my house and had to witness my tears and pleading that SOMEONE would help me in my efforts of single parenting. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is perfect in its organization. As 'men' we are not always perfect in carrying it out. I 'should' have resources available to me... a home teacher.. a Young Men's president, something. I felt alone. I am tired of trying to do it alone. This poor man had to sit and endure my tears and pleadings for help. After he left I got a hold of myself and stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized that my oldest may not have 'local' support like I wish he did - but because of my calling at church he has the attention and interest of the Stake YM President and his councilors.. they seek him out.. they call him at home. They challenge him to complete things and to stretch himself. They have a relationship with him. We are not without anyone... God fills in where needed.

My calling at church has taken some time for me to begin to settle in to. I still feel very inadequate and out of my element... but I am starting to 'settle' and 'catch up' on all that needs to be done.

I have been given a date for my last day at work. Up and down... up and down...they have finally eliminated my position. This is not a surprise. I saw it coming for a long time. They have taken care of me on my departure... another blessing from above. I suppose I should be concerned... single mother and all... but even my kids are looking forward to it. My friend's eight-year old son asked me what I was going to do. I told him I am going to just be a mom for awhile. I miss that.

All this and more has encompassed the last few months of my life. The addition to it all is I am dating someone who is wonderful. Finding the time to dedicate to fostering that relationship is near impossible.. but as with everything in single parenthood it becomes a game of prioritization. Less gets done around the house in exchange for time with someone great. But - alas I am and always have been a bit of a 'freak show'. So, while the entrance of this person is wonderful... there are a slew of emotions to cope with along the way. Perhaps I will touch more on that another day.... I could say a lot about that.

My good girlfriend is undergoing chemo for breast cancer. She just started a week or two ago. My husband's cousin was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My friend from work is working on recovering from non-hodgkin's lymphoma, and a friend from my b.w. life (that is Before Widowhood) is battling cancer with her young son. I am looking forward to some time of not working.. perhaps will give me a chance to give back to everyone that has given to me.

I'd say enough whining!! On to blogging!!! But - really I hope you read this with the right tone. I am not whining. I still testify that my Father in Heaven loves and cares for me. He knows me. And He must see potential for more growth in me... cause the storms still rage. I am glad He has confidence in me! :)

GOTTA DO IT

One thing I have learned in the past five years is that the old adage “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy” is true. So, I need to take care of me. So much easier said than done... especially ‘cause I am a needy person. I have through trial and error determined the “must haves” in life. And on and off I do pretty well at making sure I am getting what I need… I don’t know why I DON’T… but sometimes I don’t.. and that is not a pretty thing.

This is what I have learned…
1.Exercise daily
2.Get enough sleep
3.Eat healthy food (and a little chocolate too)
4.Take time weekly for just me (get out and don’t watch the clock)
5.Go to the temple monthly
6.Read my scriptures and say my prayers daily… spend some time pondering.

LESSONS FOR LIVING TODAY

I jotted a few notes down in church today that I felt specifically applied to me.

"When we are running for our lives it is difficult to hear the spirit." A good reminder to me that I need to slow down, that I need to find moments of peace and calm so I can feel the spirit and allow the Lord to direct my path.

"If you are not happy with what you are doing, repent and do it better." We are responsible for our attitude, for how we face our trials. We choose wether to make life a triumph or a tragedy.

A BASKET OF GRAPES

A dozen of corn and a basket of grapes.

It doesn't take much to lift my spirits at the end of a long week.

I still stand in awe that my Father in Heaven continues to send others to nourish me both physically and spiritually.

And to turn the tables, I am grateful others think to ask me to serve. I need those opportunities in my life to lift the burden of another.

DINNER ANYONE? TODAY? TOMORROW?

Sometimes it just hits me. I go and go and go and feel like I am a human energizer bunny sometimes. Well, I suppose I don't really feel that way - but I act that way. Usually because, what choice do I have? There is much to do! But after going and going and going... sometimes out of nowhere, my body betrays me... and will go no more.

That happened to me yesterday. I hate the betrayal. My body should know I would give it rest if I could! I was enveloped in exhaustion and it spilled over to this morning. I was up and getting ready for work this morning looking at the house that was a wreck. It made me feel more exhausted. I headed out for work, promising myself that I would take lunch at the house and clean today.

I got about a mile down the road, when my friend KR called. She was confirming she would be able to get in the house - she was on her way to clean it. She had also made me dinner and would be leaving that in the fridge.

I was overcome with emotion. My whole body felt exhausted. I started to cry. Tears of gratitude mixed with tears of frustration that I wasn't keeping up.

I came home from work to a clean house. I heated some dinner up for myself and the kids, then went about the chores and running of the evening.

Words can not express the gratitude I felt. The blessing it was to me today.

I was then surprised by another visitor later in the evening. A friend that lives an hour away was the least likely person I would expect to show up with dinner for tomorrow. SG is a kind and generous person - but doesn't exactly live in my neighborhood.

As I lay in bed this evening, reflecting on the day... I see the hand of God in my life today. I see the angels He sent on an errand for me. And I am amazed, again, at how He loves and cares for me.

Lesson Manual: How to be a Widow
10. Angels don't show up at your door step everyday. They don't always come and clean your house and make you dinner, but take the time to see they are there. Sometimes they are a phone call at just the right time, or a smile at the grocery store... and sometimes we need to remember that we too need to be angels to others - and that can be just the boost we need.

TENDER MERCIES

I have a friend whose young son is fighting cancer. That is a trial, I cannot imagine. She wrote these words the other day, that I felt I could relate to. They took me back to those days.

“I think about all the people going about their lives down on the street. Is it really possible that there are people doing normal things like going to soccer practice and homework, etc? Once in a while I have a brief fleeting moment of being envious of the normalcy of other's lives. Then I come back to my own reality and be thankful of my blessings: I get to spend quality time with my little man, there is always someone with a worse story than ours, I have a husband and partner to help me through this instead of having to make the decision of leaving my child here alone, we have this wonderful facility right in our backyard. Yes, this is bad. Yes, it will get worse. Yes, I am blessed anyway.”

It evoked memories of similar feelings. There is something very precious and sacred about the quality time and relationship that can be developed while 'locked' in a small room.

I have come out the other side and find myself feeling very normal some days... and on those days I remember fondly, the 'abnormal' life that brought a different kind of pace and focus. I am grateful for these tender mercies from God. When He reminds us to see the good.

WHAT MATTERS MOST

HE WILL PROVIDE

For you young widows with ever-increasing family responsibilities, know that God is aware of your needs and that He will provide. Continue to exercise faith and good works. Faithful family and Church members will assist. Be willing to receive assistance from others as necessary. Your children will know that you provide them with a double measure of love. It is my testimony that our Heavenly Father will abundantly compensate your family with eternal blessings because of the goodness of your hearts.
Earl C. Tingey

GREATER FAITH

The term widows is used 34 times in the scriptures. In 23 of these passages, the term refers to widows and the fatherless. I believe the Lord has a tender feeling toward widows and the fatherless, or orphans. He knows that they may have to rely more completely on Him than on others. Their prayers will be more personal and lasting, service to fellowmen more genuine, and faith greater.

Earl C. Tingey

1 TIMOTHY 5:3

Honour widows that are widows indeed.

As a widow... I also need to open my eyes to the other widows around me. I need to find opportunities to serve them.

HOPE YA KNOW, WE HAD A HARD TIME

O REMEMBER, REMEMBER