MOURNING YEARS GONE BY

As I sat in church yesterday, a young family got up to perform a special musical number. The father was on the piano and the mother stood with the children. As I was watching them I was so touched by the sweetness and completeness of this little family. I looked at the three oldest. 9, 7, 5. I was suddenly overcome with feelings of grief. Grieving the years that have passed. Those innocent and precious children were the age my children were when their father passed. So young, so sweet. So wonderful to see this family - we were once a sweet little family as well. The tears started and wouldn't stop. I started getting strange glances from my children. The tears just kept coming and coming. Long after the musical number was over, I was still crying. I felt like I was holding back... allowing the tears but blocking the sobbing that so wanted to come out. I contemplated making a run for the bathroom but felt like I was already making a spectacle of myself and thought that may just exaggerate that. So, I sat and let the tears continue to fall.

I can't say for sure what brought it on - but I can say that the topic of "mourning the years gone by" has been heavy on my heart lately. In moments of frustration the kids have retaliated at me with 'facts from the past' concerning my bad parenting behavior. It has left me reflecting on years I don't care to think about again. Years that I can't re-do. Years that have been wasted. Or so it seems.

The question is really... what would / could I have done differently. My 'bad parenting' is a reflection of trying to be a parent to children who were reacting with anger to their father's death, while trying to grieve the loss of my husband. My patience was short. I was trying to process through my own grief and that left little brain capacity for disobedient children. I was quick to yell, to lose my patience. I was incapable of of doing it.... well. I became this crazy mother that was nothing like I had once been. I look back and wonder what could have changed things. How could I have maintained the happiness and love in that little family and just continued on? Perhaps there is another widow out there that has considered this more or been more successful that could share some tips. For me... I need to forgive myself. I need to let go of the thoughts that they have been years wasted and I need to make the most of the years I now have.

CRYING.... ALMOST

My girlfriend just walked in the house carrying a priority mail box. I glanced lightly at it, assuming it was another of my youngest son's many airsoft guns. He has become obsessed with the sport and spends every dollar he gets on a new gun or accessory.

On my glance it caught my eye as saying "Kimmy" not "Kim" or "Kimberly", so I got up to take the package from my friend. I knew right away it was from family. No one else calls (or could get away with calling) me "Kimmy". Upon ripping the package open (I am still like a kids when it comes to opening presents) I started screaming and jumping up and down. My girlfriend just watched curiously. Then I got teary eyed. They love me. My family loves me. They know what I want, they know what is important to me and despite the many miles between us.. they do what they can to lend a helping hand. I pulled out the card, and read it "Kimmy, Just a little something to let you know we're all thinking of you. It's been six tough years- Here's to moving forward, reaching your goals & being your best self. Love, your siblings" My voice cracked as I read it. I am so blessed with such a loving and supportive family. My girlfriend was so excited to be here to witness the emotions... the teary eyes.

The gift... A Body Media FIT Armband.

The "Thank You" I say does not come close to expressing my gratitude for all they do.

UNEMPLOYED

My last day of work was December 30th. Last week was my first official week home. I had the option of starting a "J Term" class at the college on the 3rd and going right into a full semester. Logically it seemed like the right thing to do. I need to finish my degree. It is no fun providing for a family and being limited due to a piece of paper. But, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I have been running like a crazy lady for over seven years. I was craving the down time. My house is craving some attention. Things to be cleaned, organized and fixed. And my body is craving some attention as well. When did I get this roll on my midriff? (I know... tmi)

After my first week... I can say I exercised three days. Saw two friends I had not seen in a very long time. Made dinner for a family. And watched other friend's kids. I also spent some time in doctor offices as my post a couple days ago mentioned. And I spent a day having my car towed and at the Subaru dealership having a new key made for my car that has been sitting in my garage for two weeks (thank you to the oldest child). So - I still have the roll around the waist and I am sitting here looking at my house wondering how it can be such a mess when I am HOME?? But, the kids did eat more REAL dinners last week. And I made cookies twice and banana bread once. And... in the process of it all I applied for unemployment and looked for a new job.

I am looking forward to a busy and productive week this week. So much to do!!!

BIRTHDAYS ARE MEANT TO BE CELEBRATED

Today would have been Chris' 45th birthday. Six years ago his birthday was celebrated with a Barium drink and lots of scans. We have continuted to celebrate his birthday every year. I feel like we need to. It is consistently a more emotional day for me. Years pass, but I still feel it inside. It does lessen, but it is still there.

This year, we are in the full swing of life. Kids have places to be and our evenings are pretty packed.

I called the pizza place and ordered the pizza from Chris' favoite place, with Chris' favorite wings. I can't remember the last time I ordered from there. Who knew so many memories could exist in a slice of pizza. I had hoped we would also make it to our favorite (and Chris' favorite) ice cream shop, but time just did not allow.

But, we (or perhaps it was just I) sang happy birthday and celebrated, in our rushed way, his life. We miss him. But life has continued. We are blessed. We will go on.

WHY I'M GLAD FAMILY IS COMING

I wrote not too long ago... about the man of my dreams. The man that will hopefully be able to fix all my broken stuff. Of course, as most good men are... they are worth waiting for. So, I am still waiting for some things. The first day he came, he did fix my door so that was done. He was also kind enough to show me how to swap out the glass for the screen... and by show me how, I mean he did it.

Our 18month old miniature schnauzer has wreaked havoc on the screen. Not destroying it - but he did either tear it or pull it out along the edges.

So, my door that was fixed is broken in a new way now. We can't leave the main door open, because the dog loves his new dog door and his ability to easily escape and terrorize the neighborhood.

tick tock tick tock....

My brother-in-law will be here in two days... Think he will fix it for me?