NEVER ALONE

As I read the following story told by James E. Faust, it reminded me of how I felt facing my life alone after Chris' passing. It reminded me of the gratitude I felt (feel) for a loving Father in Heaven who knows me and loves me and walks beside me. We never are alone... unless we choose to walk away from Him.

"One young woman became much more aware of the wonderful relationship we have to our Heavenly Father when she left home for the first time to go to college. Her father gave her a blessing and expressed his love. Then she writes:

'I clung to his words of love and support as I said a painful good-bye to my family. I felt alone and scared in those uncharted waters. Before I left the apartment that morning, I knelt down to ask for help. Desperately I pleaded with my Heavenly Father for strength to be able to face the college world all alone. I had left my family and friends and everything familiar the day before, and I knew I needed His help.

'My prayers were answered as I reflected on the tender experience with my father the day before. A wave of comfort fell over me as I realized that I had not come to college with the blessing of just my earthly father. I suddenly felt that one day, not so long ago, my Heavenly Father had held me close in His arms. Perhaps He gave me words of advice and encouragement and told me that He believed in me, just as my earthly father had. And at that moment, I knew that I am never without the perfect love and endless support of my Father in Heaven.”

REFLECTIONS.... QUESTIONS...

It is late.

Autumn is in the air tonight. I celebrated with a fire in the fire place. I find peace in this spot. Sitting in front of the last few embers and hearing the crackling. The embers remind me of my promise. I want to look forward with faith. I want to take the embers and leave the ashes.

My emotions are strong this evening. Reflection of almost six years. My decisions and the consequences of them. Was I wrong? Was I selfish? Have I made decisions that have harmed my children? What could I have done better? Why have I not been stronger? Wiser?

Six years is a long time. Have I respected that time by making the most out of it?

I am not who I would have been. My children are not who they would have been. Perhaps there is a purpose in that? Were we meant to be the people we have now become or the people we were on the path to becoming before?

My boys do not know the things their father knew. They want to. I see in them that internal desire to have his knowledge and wisdom. To be a source of help to others, to be able to fix one of the hundred things that have and do go wrong around the house. But, who is there to teach them? So, days and years pass.... many of those broken things go un-repaired. That is not the kind of home we once had. I see their yearning for yesterdays now gone.

Which part is mine? Which part is God's? I spend so much of my life surviving... sometimes I feel as though my kids have lost their father and their mother.

I reflect on years of wanting the insanity to stop. Wanting to just breathe. Those moments came (as moments only) - but life still has a void. A void that was not filled when the insanity stopped. I wanted to be still - but by being still, did my children miss out on learning and opportunities for a full life?

We live life 'my' way now. I miss the life that was 'our' way. But, I have strove to make the present a good place to be. I stretch myself physically and financially sometimes to give my kids other things. Things they may never have experienced in 'our' life... buy in 'my' life they exist. Perhaps it is my way of attempting to compensate... to fill their lives to cover the void. I don't think that is all a bad thing, is it? It is not like the void was going to go away... why not fill it with new adventures?

What will my final reflection be? Have I chosen wisely?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

It is my birthday. I am 35 today.

Can I just crawl back into bed and assume the fetal position?

Today is one of those days, that just stinks. It reminds me of all the time that has passed... and it makes me wonder where all this time has gone and what exactly I have accomplished. I don't feel as though I have gone anywhere in life in the past five years... and I hope I don't feel the same over the next five.

The last five birthdays have been spent pondering on my lack of living.... and just surviving. In fact, I guess that has become my TRADITION (to be said like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof). To spend some time in bed sulking about life.

As far as I have come, and as much as I have spent more and more time 'out of the clouds' in the last year... things still happen... life still goes on that makes me feel like I am in a maze. Every time I think I make a good decision regarding direction, I hit a wall (sometimes hitting that wall hurts worse than other times). On days like today, I feel like I am wandering around in this maze by myself, and even though I attempt to prayerfully consider how to get out, I just keep hitting the walls.

I wonder what I have yet to learn? Why can't I find my way out?

Did you ever see Groundhog Day?

Sometimes I feel like that is my life. I wake up everyday and try to get it right... only to fail and have to try again tomorrow.

I still have so much to learn... so much growing to do... why does it take so long for me? What am I missing?

My girlfriend is going through a divorce... I serve as the dark cloud reminder of what she could become if she is not careful.

• She would like to re-marry. She would like to find someone who loves her. But, then she looks at me, and how unsuccessful I have been in that area... and I think it strikes fear to her very core. It makes her get back down on her knees and pray that she is not like me. That in five years she isn't in a pattern of consistently dating the wrong guys... that somehow end up just causing heartache. I think she will be fine there. She consoles herself with a reminder that SHE wants it. She prays and asks for the Lord to prepare someone for her. Me... well.. whatever. If my Heavenly Father wants me to re-marry.. someone will be put in my path. In the meantime I will pick up the wrong people on that path. Get hurt the same way as the last. Pick up my pieces and move on. Shaking my head that I did it again.... and try to re-focus on the benefits of being single.
• She does not want to become the mother I have become. She recently went to work full-time after working as a full-time mom and entrepreneur for fifteen plus years. She comes home tired, and when the kids' behavior is not too great and she only has energy to respond in an ornery way... she stops. Because she does not want to become me. Tired, ornery and too crabby of a mom 90% of the time.
• Lower standard of what is clean. She has always kept an immaculate home. I kept a clean home that was often cluttered with the kids activities of the day. Now... well I keep a home that is cluttered with the kids' activities of the past week or more. The spiral. She has seen how bad it can get. I think she will always keep herself in check.
• I am a good 15 pounds heavier than I was when Chris passed. And it is only 15 because the scale was down some this morning (Happy Birthday!). I could easily say 20 most the time. But, let's take the little victories in life... 15 it is. She is actually doing well in that area. She is a good 15 pounds thinner than she was before she got the news that her marriage was over. Is it possible to change the way you deal with stress? I eat... Speaking of which... where is my birthday cake?

I am fine, really. Just need to feel as though I am accomplishing something of substance. That I am becoming a great mother... and getting set in a great career... and making a great impact on the world. I want to be a mover and shaker... at least to my children.

Alright... fetal position over. Sulking time over. Time to celebrate 35 blessed years!

COULD YOU MAKE ARRANGEMENTS

Thomas S. Monson continued....

Long years ago a severe drought struck the Salt Lake Valley. The commodities at the storehouse on Welfare Square had not been their usual quality, nor were they found in abundance. Many products were missing, especially fresh fruit. As a young bishop, worrying about the needs of the many widows in my ward, I said a prayer one evening that is especially sacred to me. I pleaded that these widows, who were among the finest women I knew in mortality and whose needs were simple and conservative, had no resources on which they might rely.

The next morning I received a call from a ward member, a proprietor of a produce business situated in our ward. “Bishop,” he said, “I would like to send a semitrailer filled with oranges, grapefruit, and bananas to the bishops’ storehouse to be given to those in need. Could you make arrangements?” Could I make arrangements! The storehouse was alerted, and then each bishop was telephoned and the entire shipment distributed.

The wife of that generous businessman became a widow herself. I know the decision her husband and she made brought her sweet memories and comforting peace to her soul.

____

My mother-in-law was widowed prior to my marriage to Chris. Through our marriage Chris consistently expressed concern over his mother and sought to watch over and care for her. I admired the care he showed for her, but it was not until I was a widow myself that I could catch a glimpse of the comfort she must have felt through the years, knowing he would care for her needs. As I look at broken things in my home and chores that seem out of my realm, I am glad he provided the service to her to care for these things. She was (is) a strong woman, and certainly one I classify as being 'more cut out' for being a widow. I say that simply because she harbored no fear and was willing to work hard to keep her home as beautiful and perfect as it always had been. She could look around her home at the end of a summer day and feel good about the work she had accomplished. She knew what needed to be done, and feared not in doing it. (I know what needs to be done... but my lack of know-how sends me to the fetal position!)

My mother-in-law re-married about six months before Chris was diagnosed. Somehow, I do not see the coincidence in that as much as I see a loving Heavenly Father, always mindful of the widow.

CHANGE

Continuing with yesterday’s thoughts, I would like to share one piece of inspiration… one time of being willing to believe.

A little over a year ago I was driving alone in the car, coming home from the temple. As I drove, I had the distinct impression that my time in New York was coming to an end. The mere thought of such a thing caused me to immediately begin to cry. I love my home. I love the east. I miss my family – and have often over the years since Chris’ passing considered relocating near them – but fear and the ease of life in an area that is mine has kept me from making that move.

As I drove home that day, unable to stop the tears, I knew. I knew I would need to do it now. That I could no longer hide out in my comfortable world – but that the next stretching of mind and soul was quickly coming.

It took me two months to be able to reflect back on that impression without starting the uncontrollable tears. And once I had reached that milestone, I was still unable to speak the words.

All of this was interrupted by my son’s declining behavior. His circumstances certainly made it easy to believe that leaving my home was the right decision. We were not thriving as much as we were surviving.

Once the changes were made with him – my thoughts again began to reflect on the where and the when of this change. My mind (mostly) felt as ease – knowing that when the time was right – I would know where to go and when.

Mid-summer I was looking at a map of the United States and looking at where my family members and in-laws live. I had never paid much attention to the location of my one sister who had moved from Phoenix to Boise, ID just a couple years before. As I looked at her location on a map I realized she was very centrally located to the rest of my family. I went on realtor.com and started checking out real estate prices in the area. I was pleasantly surprised that they were such that living there would be realistic for me (thanks, I am sure to the recent crash in real estate prices). I kept it as food for thought, and went to bed. I woke up the next morning – so sure that this was where I was supposed to be. The feeling was overwhelming that Boise was my location. I felt scared, excited, and overwhelmed all at once.

I knew where…. I was just left with the question of when.

(I will say… I am still in NY – but if anyone would like to buy my house and if someone else would like to offer me a job (preferably as a TV Personality… hey if I am going to ask, I am going to ask for what I really want!)… I will be on my way. Oh, and double that would even be better – as in the last few months I have a girlfriend who will now be joining me.. so someone buy our houses… and offer us jobs. Please. In the mean time… I am home – and there is much good to do here)

THE DIAGNOSIS

Six years ago today....

A rushed morning to be at the hospital early for a routine procedure. My husband was having the base of his esophagus stretched. I had rescheduled my appointments for the day. One appointment was not too far from the hospital and was with some construction workers who would actually be working at 7am when my husband's procedure was scheduled to begin. Once he was being put under and I was no longer allowed in the room, I ran down the road to meet my appointment. It was quick, I just needed to drop off a few things and fix a phone.

I was back to the hospital in less than twenty minutes.

As I walked down the hall I saw the doctor standing at the end, near the waiting area. I found that odd - certainly he was not done already. He caught my eye and waited for me to get closer, *** I don't know what he said. It is such a blur. Just that he stated that my husband had cancer***.

It doesn't work that way on TV. They tell you it's a possibility.... they need to run tests.... they don't tell you that you have it. Just like that without any tests being run. I questioned it. He retorted by telling me they were sending samples out to be tested, but if it came back negative - he would send them back until they got it right.

The next thing I remember is standing next to his bed. He was still groggy. The doctor came in and tried to explain to he and I what was going on. He showed us photos. I don't know what the photos are supposed to look like - but I guess the black mass was bad? They wanted to run all kinds of tests. I could tell I was going to be there a long time.

It's my oldest son's birthday. I had promised him Tim-Bits. I didn't want to let him down. I hadn't had time to run before we had come to the hospital. I called my mother-in-law to ask her to do it. My father-in-law (who had lost his first wife to cancer) answered the phone. I explained the situation. There was sorrow in his voice. Too much pity and sorrow. I broke down. I cried. Then I went to find my husband who was laying in his hospital bed in the hallway. I climbed up on the bed with him. I wanted to lay down and be close to him. But the hallway felt too strange for that. He was drinking barium... preparing for a scan.

My in-laws showed up. There we all stood in the hall. What is there to say? Chris had something to say, he looked at his mom with her eyes red from crying and told her, "Don't be sad Mom!". Our Branch President (the leader of our church) showed up just as he was heading in for his test. We asked if we could have just a minute in the room alone (the five of us). My father-in-law and our Branch President gave Chris a priesthood blessing. I felt such overwhelming peace.

The last detail I remember of that day was telling my friend Sue. She called when we were driving home. I told her the news. She cried.

THE BEGINNING, part 2

After four months I was feeling very frustrated. Although my job was going well, I saw no reason for me to be sacrificing this time away from my family. I earnestly prayed to my Heavenly Father. I needed to feel reassured that I was doing the right thing. My answer came as no answer I have ever received before. I felt my Heavenly Father’s love so strongly and so clearly. I knew that he loved me and that as I continued to counsel with him in all things, He would direct my path. I knew He had a plan that was greater than what I could understand. And overwhelmingly, I felt his great love for me.

Not long after, my husband had gone in for a routine physical and through some follow-up work he was diagnosed with cancer. It became very clear that the extra income provided by my working would soon be needed as we prepared for expensive treatments, many tanks of gas to and from the hospital and for a loss of income as my husband took a leave of absence from his work. So many times I have looked back on that time and have been so grateful I was able to take that leap of faith. Had I delayed the Lord may not have been able to bless me with a job that provided me the level of income I was able to bring in and the extreme flexibility.

Our Heavenly Father knows and loves us. If we open ourselves and our lives he will direct our paths for good. And when our aching grows or when we need to turn for peace our Heavenly Father is there.

THE BEGINNING, part 1

Alma 37: 37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

I have come through my life to find peace and direction and wisdom in that scripture. I have come to know and trust that my life will be on a path of joy as long as I counsel with my Heavenly Father in all things. He will direct my path for good.

My life was one of ideal from what others on the outside could see. I was happily married. I had three children and was blessed with the ability to be a stay at home mom. We needed a slight supplement to our income and I had been blessed to build a business that I worked only 20 hours a month at that provided an ample income to meet our needs.

Life was good. We were happy. Both my husband and I were serving in callings at church and we found great fulfillment in our lives. But, I have come to understand that I often feel at peace and feel firm in where I am in life when the Lord asks me to change it. I was driving in the car one day after being out running errands. I received a strong impression that I needed to quit my part-time business. This was nothing I had ever considered before, and I didn’t see any logic to it. I counseled with my husband about this. We were both confused as to why that would be, as this business was very rewarding financially compared to the time commitment that it required. We were not sure how things would work financially, but moved forward with faith and I spent the next two months dissolving my business. The next two months I spent in prayer letting my Heavenly Father know that I trusted in Him and that I would take whatever course he directed for me.

One day I picked up the newspaper and saw an ad for a full-time position at a local company. The spirit strongly testified to me that I needed to apply for the position. I submitted my resume even though I did not feel as though I was qualified for the position. To my surprise I received a phone call and was asked to come in for an interview. My interview went very well and before I knew it I was filling out paperwork to start working full-time. I began to panic and to question my decision. How could the Lord be asking me to go to work full-time? Haven’t the prophets encouraged us to be at home? I continued forward despite my confusion, as I knew that Lord had directed my path and had put me here.

A NEW BEGINNING

Tears soon turned to anger as the reality of what was happening hit my son. I questioned myself a hundred times, but I felt it was right and I didn’t feel there was even a possible plan B that would result in success. We had to stop this before we had serious issues.

I was up at 3am on Tuesday morning to pack the car and my son and to depart for the airport. There wasn’t much to say. He didn’t want to understand why this was happening. He just said (and told all his friends) I was kicking him out of the house. How do you convey how deep your love is for your child and how much you ache for him to be able to stay when you are indeed ‘sending him away’? My reminders of love were met with angry sarcasm.

We arrived at his Uncle’s to open arms and a bedroom prepared. We had an appointment with the guidance counselor at school. As I met with her and signed paper work giving my sister-in-law parental rights I sobbed. He was mine. For good or for bad – and there was a part of me that felt like I was giving that up. I wasn’t of course, but the pain that weighed on me that day certainly felt like it. When the paperwork was in order the counselor took us for a tour of the school.

I was a mess. I could not stop the tears that were running like an open faucet. I met every one of his teachers and saw every one of his classrooms through blurry non-stop tears. I couldn’t stop crying. He accompanied me with a confident ‘don’t care’ front.

When the tour was complete, we returned to my sister-in-laws and relaxed for a bit before it would be time to pick up her other children. As I sat there, I had a seizure. Too much stress, too exhausted. I showered and napped.

The next day I got his clothes unpacked and had his room settled before getting back on a plane and having hours to think about and question what I had just done. I just had to breathe deep and go by faith. I just had to be grateful for family that was there when we I needed them most.

SPINNING

How do you define normal when your children are entering the teenage years? It seems what could have one been classified as ‘normal’ behavior is no longer in existence. I think the combination of grieving his father’s death mixed with the entrance into the puberty years had to have had an effect on my oldest. Or at least it would offer some explanation as to why we seemed to go to such extremes.

As much as the psychologist was working and making strides with my son, in some areas he was starting the slow steady spin that would one day feel out of control. One area that has been a trial with this child, even when his father was here, was getting him to do his homework. I think he viewed this as a violation, an interruption to HIS time. As he graduated to higher grades, the importance of this homework grew. Not in his mind. He was not eligible to participate in any extra curricular activities which only meant he was home from school by 2:30. That was too early when I was at work until 5:30. As his grades declined, I reduced his interaction with friends, etc so he could spend that time at home on his homework. He reacted by taking back HIS time by not coming home from school. He would go find some friends to hang out with, although the only other children that were free that time of day were other children of single moms. There was a small pack of these boys. Some were good kids, others I questioned their influence on him. I would never really know where he was or what he was doing. I still don’t. Most days he would make it home shortly before I did.

I checked with the school regarding whether it could be enforced that he get on the bus to come home. They said they would try. He still never made it home. I felt as though this was larger than me. I didn’t know how to wrap my arms around it and control it. You can’t really control children. They have their own little spirits with a desire to be free. We can only teach and discipline them. The trouble is that in order to learn…. you have to want to. No discipline was too harsh – because he was free for three hours a day. It didn’t seem matter. He would give up anything – because in those three hours he was free. He was ‘winning’.

He started to keep less track of what time it was and did not always make it home before I did. He missed guitar practice repeatedly, as he was not home to go. One day I arrived home to discover he was yet again missing. I drove all over town looking for him. Nothing. I came home. I said a prayer. It was getting late – going on 8pm now. He had never stayed out this late. Six hours since school let out… what is a thirteen year old doing for six hours? I had checked the homes of the boys he hung with. They weren’t there. I told Chris that this has to be one of the benefits to not being limited by the mortal body. He should know where his child is. I asked him to find him, and send him home. He arrived home half an hour later.

It felt as though life was spiraling. How do you personally have time to worry about anything other than surviving… when your children are consuming your every thought? When the fear that what you feared the most seems to be exactly what is happening… or at least your child is opening the door for it to happen. How do you make it all stop?

HOUSTON, WE HAVE CONTACT

As we sat at the dinner table last night my 10 year old inquired as to if his teacher had called. "No, should I expect her to be calling?" **shrugs** "If she were to call, what might she want?" "I lost my backpack" Now this is a fact that is well-known. I have looked everywhere for his backpack to no avail. "She is going to call me because you lost your backpack?" "It has a library book in it" "She is calling me about a late library book?" **shrugs** Moments later the phone rang... Yes, it was his teacher. Of course the story was a little different from her end. He was missing some homework assignments. :)

Does that ever happen to you? Just after you mention something, it happens. Well, this was the first of two for last night. After dinner I went to the gym. As I walked in, there was one of my husband's friends. Remember? One of the ones I said finds me invisible. As I walked in I didn't notice him at first, but then he caught my eye as he looked RIGHT AT ME! Maybe it was the fact that I was wearing my husband's jacket, shoes and ring. Maybe that is what caught his eye. Either way, I decided I was going to make contact tonight. No more running. No more pretending you don't see me. I situated myself on the treadmill closest to his that was open. Spent some time there, then went on the elliptical right in front of him. He continued running, and I went to the weights. I finished a set and all of the sudden realized he was not on the treadmill any longer. No! I didn't just lose my chance, did I? I looked around and did not see him. crud. I moved down to the next weight machine. As I was in the middle of my set - he walked by me. Yes. I am going to get him. All of the sudden I realized I didn't know his name. I mean, I know what his "nickname" was that my husband always called him, but I COULD NOT think of his name! I thought and thought. nothing. oh well. I finished my sets, stood up, took my headset out of my ears, walked over to the machine he was on, looked at him and said, "Hi G" (I called him by the nickname my husband used... I am just protecting the identity of the innocent). He replied "oh, hi. Kim, right?" "Yes" "I thought when I just walked by you, I uh, I thought you looked familiar". We continued and had a nice conversation.

VEHICLE AND DRIVING SAFETY

There are a few tasks that were my husbands and some that I was fine with assuming as my own. He took care of the garbage. I made the meals. We split the household responsibilities.

Although we had never discussed it, I am positive teaching the children to drive would have been HIS job. I received a packet in the mail the other day from my insurance company... "Vehicle & Driving Safety, On The Road, A Program for Teens and Their Parents". See, it doesn't say "mothers". It says "parents". Which means I should be able to pass it off to someone else to do.

Instead... this sends to me to my bedroom to crawl under my covers, assume the fetal position, until I am somehow brave enough to face my reality.

AM I INVISIBLE?

Probably similar to most couples, my husband and I had "our" friends and we had a few "his" and "hers" friends. Mostly because he had friends from work and I had some friends from story-time at the library and things like that. But I knew his friends. I used to take my husband's lunch to work almost every day. It was a good perk to see him halfway through the day and if the kids were being bad - he could "encourage" them to be good. :) It was our routine. I would sometimes see some of his friends as I was dropping lunch off... or at the company picnic in the summer or at the holiday dinner. And sometimes they came to the house to help my husband with a project he was working on that he needed an extra pair of hands for. If they saw me in town they would always say hello. I knew them by name, and they knew me.

The day of Chris' funeral, they must have taken those couple of hours off work. They were there. To honor him. They were a good group of guys.

I remember the first time I saw one of them at the store after the funeral. I caught his eye, and smiled warmly. He continued on, no reaction. I saw another months later. I said hello. I don't know who he thought I was talking to. No reaction. I was very sad to find this was the norm now. It was like I didn't exist. If I am anything, I am stubborn. I have consistently attempted to get SOME sort of reaction EVERY time I have seen one of his firends. Just recently I was at the gym, one of them was there working out. I smile. Nothing. Well, it's the gym. We aren't passing on the street where he can ignore me once and be safe. I kept passing him. Every time I would look at him straight on and smile. nothing. Am I invisible?

I was out running an errand for work the other day and a man looked at me and said, "Hey, are you..." I looked at him, and recognized him as someone that worked with my husband. Not someone I knew - but he was familiar. I smiled. "Yes, I am surprised you recognized me." "You used to bring him lunch every day, we all would recognize you." We exchanged a few words and I continued on... just feeling glad that SOMEONE wasn't afraid to say hello. That someone remembered my husband with fondness, as I do.