CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

My kids have developed a few bad habits over the past six years. One of which is, they feel as though they are - to a degree - equal to me. Now, I believe these precious little children are spirit children of a Heavenly Father and I have been blessed to be able to be a steward over them for a time - to help them develop and grow and be all they are capable of being. But, in their minds - what's fair is fair. So, when I chastise them for something - they retort by listing all my faults. They seem to believe that I think I am perfect. They don't realize I can list my faults better than any of them. I had enough of it a couple nights ago, as on occasion when one starts - they all start and it turns into one big Bash on Mom Fest. I was sick of it. I stood up - told them to cut it out and reminded them that I am trying. I have the responsibility of Mom and Dad and it leaves me unable to do either perfectly, in fact I am very far from perfect - but I am trying. They complained that I am never home after school. I pointed out the obvious that I have to work... so they can eat, and have a house to live in, etc. A great big life insurance policy would have been nice - but was not the lot in life I have been given.

There was a short time a year after Chris had passed that I was on the brink of insanity. I couldn't handle all that was going on with my job and my kids and maintain any sense of normalcy in life in general... in fact I don't think I could have maintained any sense of abnormal either. I had been able to put some money away and I quit my job and went back to school for a semester. My classes were all during the days and I was always able to be home when the kids got home from school. It was wonderful. I baked them cookies everyday for when they got home.

In retrospect, my hiatus didn't afford me a leap in terms of sanity. When I went back to work at a new job five months later I was still struggling to keep my head above water. I guess the only thing it did for me was make me realize that life was crazy. Working was necessary. And not working for a spell didn't help me 'gain control' in the long run. Now, not working at all... well... that would be nice. Being able to bake fresh chocolate chip cookies everyday would be nice. Being able to have my kids tell me about their day over cookies and milk would be nice. But being able to pay my bills is nicer.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

It was an interesting Thanksgiving this year. I was very pensive and reflective. I was very much longing for "home". Longing for time with my sisters and parents (you too baby bro - but you are far far away). I spent a lot of my day thinking how things have changed over the past six years.

My mother-in-law used to live in town and holidays were always spent with her. She moved about a year after Chris' passing. Since then I have had an assortment of different ways to spend my holidays. I have had some with just me and the kids, one with my family, and others with friends.

I spent time wondering what I wanted. How did I want to spend my holidays - and wondering what the future would bring in terms of traditions. Would my kids feel as though we had any - or was the change so constant they won't be able to identify any traditions? Every year has been different. I may think I am going to start a tradition, but it only lasts a year or two. Is it time to settle in and create some substance? Some traditions? I think it is.

REALLY?

I just had a weekend to myself. Kinda. Well, more to myself than I have had in my entire life I believe. It was weird... but so nice. I had so many thoughts and so much to blog... but my lack of internet access was a bit of a hold up. It was a milestone trip for me in more ways than one... stay tuned.. I'll share.

I returned home and it was great to see my kids. I get so used to them being around, I didn't know what to do with myself solo!! My daughter informed me that I needed to get water. Oops... I never did that. I had gotten a couple jugs - but they didn't last while I was gone. I immediately inquired how Kyle was. She informed me that she had refilled one of the jugs with tap water - and so Kyle didn't know. Brilliant. I gave her a high five for that quick thinking.

Unfortunately, I didn't think to check and see if we still had a bottle filled. We didn't. Kyle didn't eat breakfast this morning. He sat playing with his oatmeal stating it was too hard to eat when he was so thirsty! really? Dude!!! Drink the tap water! It is OK!!!

INVINCIBLE SUMMER

Sometimes when you need a good thought for the day, may I suggest you pull out the chocolate? There are so many reasons for pulling out the chocolate - such as the advantage of increasing your serotonin levels.

But, sometimes you need the mental wellness that comes with it. It may take several attempts to find the perfect thought... just keep eating until you open the perfect one. I like this thought for today:

In life's winter, find your invincible summer.-Linda, New York, NY (Dove Chocolate)

FIGHTING

Often I feel like I am fighting to be able to keep fighting. That probably doesn’t even make sense… but there seems to be this fine line between letting go (with the kids) in a responsible and controlled way.. and letting go because I don’t have the energy to do it any longer.

I HAVE CREATED A MONSTER

I have written before about my 'changes' that I made after Chris' death. My youngest was five when all these changes took place. They have become normal and necessary parts of his life. Culligan water is a staple. He panics when we run out. We are out right now, and hopefully I will remember over lunch hour tomorrow to stop and pick some up. My son is very thirsty tonight. I have seen him in the kitchen repeatedly looking for water. No matter how many times he looks... we still only have the water that comes out of the faucet. It is past bedtime. I am actually finding a few minutes to relax this evening. I heard him in the kitchen grumbling about how thirsty he is but that there is no water. I assured him that he could drink the water from the faucet... he will be OK. A couple minutes later I heard the microwave running and heard him getting ice. I asked what he was up to and he revealed that he had a great plan! He was heating the water in the microwave to kill all the germs. Then he would put it on ice (I didn't have the heart to tell him the ice is made from water from the faucet). He even was planning to do some extra so he could have water in the morning! I commended him for his fantastic plan. He quietly asked that I would please get water tomorrow so he had something to drink. I'll try. I promise I'll try. In the meantime, thankfully he has some ingenuity.