TRYING TO CLIMB TO THE TOP

I can't believe I have been unemployed for ten weeks now. I have rested some. In fact this morning I went back to bed after I got the kids off. It was a busy weekend and I just felt the need for a tad bit extra rest. Of course I laid there thinking of what else I have to accomplish. I have cleaned out the basement (just need to paint the walls), cleaned out the attic, the closets, my bedroom that collects all.... but there is some painting and a garage and lawn that are still calling my name (of course it will have to stop snowing and raining for me to get out in the lawn).

It feels really good. Physically it changes the way I feel, having taken the time to get my life in order. I am not there yet, but I am surprised at the physical change it has brought on me. It gives me more energy and life. I feel less trodden down. I want to catch up my personal journal on the events of the past year or so, I need to reach out to a couple friends I have not seen, I need to make it to the temple this month, and I want to start working on some family heritage activities (namely trying to see if I have any pictures of the children from the past ten years that I should organize).

Oh... and I need to find a job. :) I think Hollywood is calling... gotta run.

I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT

The amount of healing that has taken place over the last year plus is huge. The cloud is gone, that once was a constant. The time I have had these past couple months not working... but just cleaning up my life... have been a tremendous blessing - but there is more to do.

I need to THRIVE. I need to LIVE my life in such a way that I can look at it and know I am doing my best. I need to break out of the patterns and behaviors I have adopted in my attempt to survive... and I need to return to THRIVING. My friend "S" is going to help me do it. Actually, we are going to help each other do it. She is not a widow.. but many of us for all sorts of different reasons find ourselves simply surviving in life and forget that we should be thriving.

We have six areas of focus: Spiritual, Emotional and Physical health, relationships, work (home or me actually finding a job again... I do need to do that), FUN, and service.

I am looking forward to our adventure together. I will write about it some through the process. I encourage you to join us. Take stock. How is your life? Are you thriving?? :)

MOURNING YEARS GONE BY

As I sat in church yesterday, a young family got up to perform a special musical number. The father was on the piano and the mother stood with the children. As I was watching them I was so touched by the sweetness and completeness of this little family. I looked at the three oldest. 9, 7, 5. I was suddenly overcome with feelings of grief. Grieving the years that have passed. Those innocent and precious children were the age my children were when their father passed. So young, so sweet. So wonderful to see this family - we were once a sweet little family as well. The tears started and wouldn't stop. I started getting strange glances from my children. The tears just kept coming and coming. Long after the musical number was over, I was still crying. I felt like I was holding back... allowing the tears but blocking the sobbing that so wanted to come out. I contemplated making a run for the bathroom but felt like I was already making a spectacle of myself and thought that may just exaggerate that. So, I sat and let the tears continue to fall.

I can't say for sure what brought it on - but I can say that the topic of "mourning the years gone by" has been heavy on my heart lately. In moments of frustration the kids have retaliated at me with 'facts from the past' concerning my bad parenting behavior. It has left me reflecting on years I don't care to think about again. Years that I can't re-do. Years that have been wasted. Or so it seems.

The question is really... what would / could I have done differently. My 'bad parenting' is a reflection of trying to be a parent to children who were reacting with anger to their father's death, while trying to grieve the loss of my husband. My patience was short. I was trying to process through my own grief and that left little brain capacity for disobedient children. I was quick to yell, to lose my patience. I was incapable of of doing it.... well. I became this crazy mother that was nothing like I had once been. I look back and wonder what could have changed things. How could I have maintained the happiness and love in that little family and just continued on? Perhaps there is another widow out there that has considered this more or been more successful that could share some tips. For me... I need to forgive myself. I need to let go of the thoughts that they have been years wasted and I need to make the most of the years I now have.

UNEMPLOYED

My last day of work was December 30th. Last week was my first official week home. I had the option of starting a "J Term" class at the college on the 3rd and going right into a full semester. Logically it seemed like the right thing to do. I need to finish my degree. It is no fun providing for a family and being limited due to a piece of paper. But, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I have been running like a crazy lady for over seven years. I was craving the down time. My house is craving some attention. Things to be cleaned, organized and fixed. And my body is craving some attention as well. When did I get this roll on my midriff? (I know... tmi)

After my first week... I can say I exercised three days. Saw two friends I had not seen in a very long time. Made dinner for a family. And watched other friend's kids. I also spent some time in doctor offices as my post a couple days ago mentioned. And I spent a day having my car towed and at the Subaru dealership having a new key made for my car that has been sitting in my garage for two weeks (thank you to the oldest child). So - I still have the roll around the waist and I am sitting here looking at my house wondering how it can be such a mess when I am HOME?? But, the kids did eat more REAL dinners last week. And I made cookies twice and banana bread once. And... in the process of it all I applied for unemployment and looked for a new job.

I am looking forward to a busy and productive week this week. So much to do!!!

MY BOOK OF EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING A BETTER BLOGGER

I don't typically use this site to truly log in like a diary... but I have not exactly been keeping up on my journal either.

I committed to myself that all that was captured here would be the embers.. and all ashes would be left behind. I hope today's entry does not stray from that commitment too much.

Let me just take a moment to say... I hope to get back to blogging soon. My goal was one year. I did well... for quite a while... but I have been bad about it lately. Perhaps I need to update my goal to be 365 posts.

I don't mean to make excuses for my lack of writing... but I know my fellow widows will understand that sometimes life just hits you from all directions. I wish I could offer some consoling words that eventually it stops. I will say I am better equipped, emotionally and otherwise, to handle the storms... but the storms continue to rage.

In the last six months my oldest moved back home after a hiatus of living with his uncle and their family. He has on multiple occasions tested the boundaries, I am certain as a way of questioning if he will be 'sent away' again. He continually comments that life was better there. I know he loved his time there - but I think the comments are just a way for him to test and see if I am going to send him back. He is looking for reaction. His grades are not good. I made the decision to hire a tutor to come in every day. Financially it put a pinch on things - but the stress it has removed from me is huge. He has been vocal about his feelings / or lack of feelings regarding the existence of God. I treaded lightly on those waters, as for any who read here regularly know that my faith in God is unwavering. I credit Him for getting me here today. sane (or at least pretty close to it). I have felt his watchful eye and caring hand for me and my family. There is a part of me that would react with anger at the mere mention that God does not exist. For - how could my son be so ungrateful. We have so much. God has truly compensated in our lives for the loss of my husband. I bit my tongue... spent many hours on multiple occasions listening and did a lot of praying to know when to stop biting my tongue (it was starting to hurt) and when to open my mouth and what to say when I did. Currently we are taking a hiatus from his life of "atheism". He commented to me the other day that things are better at home. We are all getting along better. I could tell you the moment it changed. And perhaps I will someday. For now, I will just say that my Father in Heaven truly loves me. He is there for me and answers my prayers in time. I was given the strength to endure and the words to say when needed. I don't believe that battle is over - but it has quited for now. His behavior in church was such that he was "eliminated" from his Sunday School class. I feel badly for the poor Bishopric member who showed up at my house and had to witness my tears and pleading that SOMEONE would help me in my efforts of single parenting. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is perfect in its organization. As 'men' we are not always perfect in carrying it out. I 'should' have resources available to me... a home teacher.. a Young Men's president, something. I felt alone. I am tired of trying to do it alone. This poor man had to sit and endure my tears and pleadings for help. After he left I got a hold of myself and stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized that my oldest may not have 'local' support like I wish he did - but because of my calling at church he has the attention and interest of the Stake YM President and his councilors.. they seek him out.. they call him at home. They challenge him to complete things and to stretch himself. They have a relationship with him. We are not without anyone... God fills in where needed.

My calling at church has taken some time for me to begin to settle in to. I still feel very inadequate and out of my element... but I am starting to 'settle' and 'catch up' on all that needs to be done.

I have been given a date for my last day at work. Up and down... up and down...they have finally eliminated my position. This is not a surprise. I saw it coming for a long time. They have taken care of me on my departure... another blessing from above. I suppose I should be concerned... single mother and all... but even my kids are looking forward to it. My friend's eight-year old son asked me what I was going to do. I told him I am going to just be a mom for awhile. I miss that.

All this and more has encompassed the last few months of my life. The addition to it all is I am dating someone who is wonderful. Finding the time to dedicate to fostering that relationship is near impossible.. but as with everything in single parenthood it becomes a game of prioritization. Less gets done around the house in exchange for time with someone great. But - alas I am and always have been a bit of a 'freak show'. So, while the entrance of this person is wonderful... there are a slew of emotions to cope with along the way. Perhaps I will touch more on that another day.... I could say a lot about that.

My good girlfriend is undergoing chemo for breast cancer. She just started a week or two ago. My husband's cousin was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My friend from work is working on recovering from non-hodgkin's lymphoma, and a friend from my b.w. life (that is Before Widowhood) is battling cancer with her young son. I am looking forward to some time of not working.. perhaps will give me a chance to give back to everyone that has given to me.

I'd say enough whining!! On to blogging!!! But - really I hope you read this with the right tone. I am not whining. I still testify that my Father in Heaven loves and cares for me. He knows me. And He must see potential for more growth in me... cause the storms still rage. I am glad He has confidence in me! :)

REFLECTIONS.... QUESTIONS...

It is late.

Autumn is in the air tonight. I celebrated with a fire in the fire place. I find peace in this spot. Sitting in front of the last few embers and hearing the crackling. The embers remind me of my promise. I want to look forward with faith. I want to take the embers and leave the ashes.

My emotions are strong this evening. Reflection of almost six years. My decisions and the consequences of them. Was I wrong? Was I selfish? Have I made decisions that have harmed my children? What could I have done better? Why have I not been stronger? Wiser?

Six years is a long time. Have I respected that time by making the most out of it?

I am not who I would have been. My children are not who they would have been. Perhaps there is a purpose in that? Were we meant to be the people we have now become or the people we were on the path to becoming before?

My boys do not know the things their father knew. They want to. I see in them that internal desire to have his knowledge and wisdom. To be a source of help to others, to be able to fix one of the hundred things that have and do go wrong around the house. But, who is there to teach them? So, days and years pass.... many of those broken things go un-repaired. That is not the kind of home we once had. I see their yearning for yesterdays now gone.

Which part is mine? Which part is God's? I spend so much of my life surviving... sometimes I feel as though my kids have lost their father and their mother.

I reflect on years of wanting the insanity to stop. Wanting to just breathe. Those moments came (as moments only) - but life still has a void. A void that was not filled when the insanity stopped. I wanted to be still - but by being still, did my children miss out on learning and opportunities for a full life?

We live life 'my' way now. I miss the life that was 'our' way. But, I have strove to make the present a good place to be. I stretch myself physically and financially sometimes to give my kids other things. Things they may never have experienced in 'our' life... buy in 'my' life they exist. Perhaps it is my way of attempting to compensate... to fill their lives to cover the void. I don't think that is all a bad thing, is it? It is not like the void was going to go away... why not fill it with new adventures?

What will my final reflection be? Have I chosen wisely?

LATCHKEY KIDS

I have latchkey kids. Studies show that breeds behavioral problems, low self-esteem and depression. On the upside, it can also result in independence and self-reliance.

Today my daughter didn’t ride the bus home. I guess something about being a teenager, meant she needed to really start acting like one. Unfortunately, this was not information I was aware of when the bus came and left without depositing her, as I am not home to witness such things. I found out when she called and informed me that she was at a friend’s house. She and her girlfriend had decided to walk home from school and had stopped at another friend’s house to use the bathroom and phone home. At least they phoned home. My reaction to the situation was to tell her to go home. We talked about it later and I told her the answer will always be to go home. I don’t like them out and about when I am at work. I feel this complete lack of control, and an exaggerated sense of concern. My daughter felt that being away from her brothers was actually safer for her, as they are always close to burning the house down.

She didn’t take my petition for her to always come home well. I tried to explain my position to which she responded that it was not her fault her dad died, so why is she punished for it? To which I replied, it is not my fault he died, but I am punished in terms of having to be away at work rather than home with you. It is life. It is what happened.

How do I keep the negative latchkey effects from affecting my children? Am I wrong to make them sit home in a house with no parents for hours after school, rather than let them be with their friends? I don’t know the answer…

NEW KID ON THE BLOCK

I attended another football game this weekend for my youngest.

I have found it peculiar over the past five year how few sports my kids have participated in. Up to and including while Chris was sick, we had the kids playing little league and whatever other sports were available to their age group. I was athletic growing up, as was my husband... so to have the kids involved in sports seemed like the natural thing.

Once Chris passed, the kids had no more interest in playing little league. When their grades started basketball teams, they didn't want to play. I didn't push any of this too much, because the reality of it is, as a single working parent - the challenge of getting them everywhere they need to be is huge.

I discovered swimming a few years ago, and I did push for the kids to get involved. The team ran from September to March and was a great way to exercise all winter. PLUS, they practiced every night, but the practices were not mandatory. A perfect combination for someone like me! I could get them there on the nights that is was possible. But, that only last about a season and the kids had enough and didn't want to do it any longer.

I found it peculiar though that the kids consistently showed no desire to get involved with school sports. So, when my youngest told me this summer that he intended to play football in the fall, I was surprised, but happy.

He was the new kid on the block, with most the other kids at least in their second year of play - some in their fourth. Enter, my son. Not only has he never played before, his exposure to watching games has been very limited (let's face it - not my favorite way to spend a Saturday). I don't believe he even knew the position names or anything. He was green.

I was not surprised when their first game came and he was put in (almost as a courtesy) at the end of the game.

I was not surprised when he came home from practice this week and told me how he was running drills against the best kid on the team (I am sure they rotate who you go up against).

He is a humble little kid. Doesn't make a big deal out of anything he does.

Friday night, I arrive home from work and start to prep some dinner. He needed to be at the field by 6pm, which is the start of the "JV" game. With my limited time, I was (no surprise) running a little late. As I drove him to the game... he sighed in frustration, "why do we always have to be late... I am starting defense tonight, I need to be on time".

"You are starting tonight?"

"Yes"

He just said it so casually. I vowed to be on-time for his game.

I was... and he started on defense, just like he said. The game began with the kid, known as the best kid on the team, scoring a touchdown in the first play. The entire rest of the first quarter was spent with us on defense... and my baby playing. He continued to hit the field on defense the rest of the first half and into the second, except during substitutions to the line.

I was so happy for him. So happy to see his hard work paying off for him. So happy that he was self-driven to be involved and to work hard. He only complained about practice when he felt they didn't work hard enough. He endured the heat and the bruises with never a comment. As I stood on the sidelines contemplating the man this boy was beginning to grow up to be, I was proud of him. And I knew his dad was there that night standing by him when they went back to offense and he was back on the line. I could almost envision his father's hand on his shoulder, telling him he was proud of him.

TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE WIDOW?

**Caution**Whining Widow**

My shower had needed to be re-caulked for three years. I just look at it every time I take a shower and it adds a bit of stress to my life. Could I have fixed it? Sure. I am certain I could have read some instructions and figured it out somehow.... but I didn't. I hate that kind of thing. I really do. I don't even WANT to learn how to do it. Could I hire someone to do it? Probably. But, it seems the handy-men in this area have more work to do than they need. Most often people don't want to be bothered with piddly little projects like I have.

For instance... come here and I will ask you to fix the knob on my daughter's shower, three closet doors that are broken, the caulk in the shower, and the front screen door... and that is just for starters. Just lots of little broken things around here.

The other problem with hiring someone to help... is that in the past when I have, they don't do a very good job, sometimes don't finish it, and I don't have the energy in life to spend fighting with them to get the job done right. I have too many other places to spend my energy.

Let me give you an example. A year and a half ago I got a new screen door. Hired help installed it. It is great! I love it. Except that a few months after it was installed, it started to fall off the hinges. No one bothers to come back and fix it. They seem to fall off the face of the earth. I just kept re-screwing the screws in every other day (literally). I had a friend's husbands try to fix it... no luck. I had another friend add some washers to it and that seemed to help.... for a few months at least. Then it started again. Every time I would walk in the door, I would feel this weight of exhaustion... because what am I supposed to do with it? I don't know how to fix it.

I got tired of it all last week. The caulk. The doors. A friend's husband offered to send a guy over to do my caulk. $50. Fine. He came over, needed money for supplies. I gave him $20. He went to Home Depot, I was in and out while he was here working. I had written him a check for $50. I came home after one of my runs out and he was gone. Caulk was done. $50 check was gone. No change left from the $20, despite the reality that the caulk costs probably less than $5. Fine.... $70, as long as the caulk is fixed. About 30 hours later my son hopped in my shower. It had not been used yet, and I would prefer not to disclose my reaction when I heard him in my shower... as I had not checked the caulk... but it HAD been 30 hours... it should have been plenty of time. Nope. Caulk everywhere. The guy has YET to return to fix it. Now I have a bigger mess.

All is not lost, I may have found the man of my dreams. Referred by a friend I called this man for help. He walked around... made a list of my many ailments... and decided to fix two on the spot. The door... the new screen door that has been giving me an ulcer for a year and a half... appears it was on upside down and backwards. Yup. But, it is fixed now... as well as one of my closet doors.

Oh, and I took my car to get it fixed. It is an hour drive to where I have to go to get it fixed... They called and told me the parts were in. I had a road trip planned so I took their first appointment. It was anything but convenient, but I made it happen. They asked if I wanted an alignment, I assured them I did, as it was recommended after the type of service they were doing. I returned to pick up my vehicle... They didn't have all the parts they needed. They did half the job, I will have to return for the other half, BUT they did the alignment, which I didn't need since they didn't finish the job. $70 wasted... and I have to find time to go BACK!

Seriously... I just don't have the energy to fight. I have too much else to do. Sometimes I have even found myself willing to write them a check to get them to leave!

FEELING SELFISH

One of the hardest aspects of single parenting multiple children... is when you have to be more than one place at a time.I am one person. I can only be one place. Usually it takes a lot of juggling and I wish that I had more time to socialize even just for the aspect of making friends with parents of other children so I could engage in carpooling... but somehow - it just doesn't seem to work. I rarely have the opportunity to socialize with my current friends... let alone make new ones. I am usually just trying to be two places at one time and my children have learned that mom is just late... often.

My son has a birthday party on Friday that he has been invited to. He doesn't get invited to too many birthday parties that fall on dates and times that he can ACTUALLY go.. but a Friday night is perfect. The party was originally scheduled for Sunday - which would not have worked - but Friday - so much better... EXCEPT for the fact that I just bought tickets to go see Jersey Boys. You see... I purchased the tickets around 5pm, only to have my son hand me the revised invitation stating the new date at 8pm. I really want him to be able to go to this party. He really needs to have some social interaction with boys his age (in our circle of friends he is always with boys older or younger).

But I really want to go see Jersey Boys. I asked who all was invited.. on the off chance I would know one of them. I don't.

Did I mention I really want to go see Jersey Boys?