I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT

The amount of healing that has taken place over the last year plus is huge. The cloud is gone, that once was a constant. The time I have had these past couple months not working... but just cleaning up my life... have been a tremendous blessing - but there is more to do.

I need to THRIVE. I need to LIVE my life in such a way that I can look at it and know I am doing my best. I need to break out of the patterns and behaviors I have adopted in my attempt to survive... and I need to return to THRIVING. My friend "S" is going to help me do it. Actually, we are going to help each other do it. She is not a widow.. but many of us for all sorts of different reasons find ourselves simply surviving in life and forget that we should be thriving.

We have six areas of focus: Spiritual, Emotional and Physical health, relationships, work (home or me actually finding a job again... I do need to do that), FUN, and service.

I am looking forward to our adventure together. I will write about it some through the process. I encourage you to join us. Take stock. How is your life? Are you thriving?? :)

SIX YEARS

On my last day of work a couple weeks ago, I came home to flowers from a friend with a note that read, "To brighten your day and celebrate a new door opening in your life!"

I feel as though that has been my theme this year. Moving forward... new doors opening... I have gained tremendous strength and finished much of the healing process. I am liking the person I am becoming and accepting myself in all my weaknesses. My kids are stronger.. they are better. It truly felt like a milestone year.

We attended church today, my oldest went home with a friend following church and the younger two are snug on the couch with each other watching a movie. Chris died on a Sunday. It is odd thinking the years have gone by enough for the 16th to fall on the same day of the week. It has my mind thinking forward to the events of the days that followed.

I asked my kids today to tell me some 'stories' they remember about their dad. This is what they told me... in their words:


Wrestling on the furry white carpet at Grandma's house.

He woke us up late at night and made us finish our chores.

Packing us a lunch box to go to grandma's and then watching him work (he packed pringles).

When we worked with him he gave us cracker sticks with cheese (in the little packages).

In the winter when he plowed at Grandma's he would make us big hills to sled on.

When we went to the hospital to see him they gave us popsicles.

When he was sick I (daughter) would come home from school and sit in his blue chair with him and watch TV with him.

He made me (youngest son) fried bologna for lunch.

We wanted to play in the sprinkler but he made us clean our room.

He put the train around the Christmas Tree.

He read us Harry Potter every night.

He told us ghost stories.

He took us to plane shows and car shows.

He took us out on the boat and when he turned fast our sister would cry.

He had dogs.

He showed us a stick bug.

Six years and moving forward. Life goes on. The Lord compensates for the loss. Joy is felt.

I think I am going to put in a fire.... and join the kids for the movie. And tonight when I say my prayers... I am going to express my gratitude for the tender mecies and the blessings that have made my cup to 'runneth over'.

REFLECTIONS.... QUESTIONS...

It is late.

Autumn is in the air tonight. I celebrated with a fire in the fire place. I find peace in this spot. Sitting in front of the last few embers and hearing the crackling. The embers remind me of my promise. I want to look forward with faith. I want to take the embers and leave the ashes.

My emotions are strong this evening. Reflection of almost six years. My decisions and the consequences of them. Was I wrong? Was I selfish? Have I made decisions that have harmed my children? What could I have done better? Why have I not been stronger? Wiser?

Six years is a long time. Have I respected that time by making the most out of it?

I am not who I would have been. My children are not who they would have been. Perhaps there is a purpose in that? Were we meant to be the people we have now become or the people we were on the path to becoming before?

My boys do not know the things their father knew. They want to. I see in them that internal desire to have his knowledge and wisdom. To be a source of help to others, to be able to fix one of the hundred things that have and do go wrong around the house. But, who is there to teach them? So, days and years pass.... many of those broken things go un-repaired. That is not the kind of home we once had. I see their yearning for yesterdays now gone.

Which part is mine? Which part is God's? I spend so much of my life surviving... sometimes I feel as though my kids have lost their father and their mother.

I reflect on years of wanting the insanity to stop. Wanting to just breathe. Those moments came (as moments only) - but life still has a void. A void that was not filled when the insanity stopped. I wanted to be still - but by being still, did my children miss out on learning and opportunities for a full life?

We live life 'my' way now. I miss the life that was 'our' way. But, I have strove to make the present a good place to be. I stretch myself physically and financially sometimes to give my kids other things. Things they may never have experienced in 'our' life... buy in 'my' life they exist. Perhaps it is my way of attempting to compensate... to fill their lives to cover the void. I don't think that is all a bad thing, is it? It is not like the void was going to go away... why not fill it with new adventures?

What will my final reflection be? Have I chosen wisely?

PERHAPS IT GETS EASIER

As I sat in church today... they sang two of the songs that were sung at Chris' funeral.

It is hard to sing those songs without my mind's eye returning to that moment over 5 1/2 years ago that those very songs were being sung as a testimony to the life my husband led and the faith we had of what would come.

One of the songs, There Is A Green Hill Far Away, was sung by his youngest brother. A song that testified of our Savior's atonement. The other, God Be With You Till We Meet Again, was sung by my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. They came close to making it through the song without being choked up.

I sang them in church today. I was strong, void of any emotion except fond remembering. Perhaps it gets easier.

IS IT BAD TO BE GLAD?

Is it? Is it bad to be glad? I am sure it sounds strange that I could even think to be glad for the path God has placed before me. There is much of a burden to carry, but I see the wisdom in this path.

I have had the opportunity to become someone I never would have. There is good and bad in that. I see my weaknesses very plainly. But the good is very good. And I am grateful for that opportunity for growth. I have been pushed to my limits like I never would have otherwise. And when I have been (am) on the brink... I seem to have strength beyond my own.

It is like a muscle I suppose. It may hurt when you do the last rep.. but by doing it you become stronger. I am grateful for that strength this journey has given me.

JUST STINKIN' BUSY

I was scanning through my actual diary the other day, and as was very typical, I would write and then go months without writing, then there would be another entry. There was / is a reason for that. I was in survival mode. Plain and simple.

~~~~~~~

May 15, 2007
I keep thinking I need to get back to writing and do it regularly. But, at the end of the day, I'm done! So.... here was today:

I called the babysitter as I was walking out of work and asked her to grab a frozen dinner and put it in the microwave. By the time I got home it was about done. I took it out and put it on plates for the kids, then took the sitter home.

Got back home at 5:50, changed my clothes, took the kids and went running at the track.

Took the youngest on a mom and me night out. Got home at 8:20. My girlfriend was here when I got home. I had promised to help her download songs on her son's mp3 player. Just got started and the youngest cut his foot badly. Dealt with that - went back to my friend, kids were crazy. Lost my patience, sent them to bed (at least ten times before they went).

Another friend stopped over to chat. Chatted with her while I helped my other friend with her mp3 player. At 10:00 I remembered I was supposed to make a cheesecake for the youth group at church the next night.

It is 11:15, just took the cheesecake out (I got some laundry done while I was waiting). Going to bed.

~~~~~~

Things haven't changed much. My days still pretty much stack up that way. Where was the homework time? Oops! No wonder I have issues there.

Life continues to be busy busy.

I AM THE FATHER

Father's Day was this past Sunday. Thanks to my on-the-ball brother I got my Dad something. Although, I am really not sure what it was. I just have to send a check. Thanks to my on-the-ball father I even wished him a happy Father's Day. He called to see if I wanted to wish him one. I did.

Here... the mood was crabby. Not intentionally. When the kids got up Sunday morning I asked if they wanted to wish me a happy Father's Day. They replied with a "what for". I reminded them that theses days I play both mother and father... so they needed to remember me on Father's Day and Mother's Day. They rolled their eyes.

I decided to make the kids pancakes for breakfast. I got the batter mixed up and the pan heated up. I started cooking them only to realize we need to leave the house in five minutes or we would be late for church. Where did the time go? I tried to keep cooking the pancakes... but I was making a terrible mess and in reality no one would even have time to eat them. So, I took the pan off the burner and left the burned pancakes on the plate and went to throw on a dress.

There were a couple ladies at church who know that I expect my children to acknowledge me on Father's Day. They were gracious enough to wish me a happy day.

My daughter was in a terrible mood all day. And if for a moment she stopped, my youngest son started. I thought I would loose my mind with all the crabby behavior and bickering. After I sent them to bed, I told them I was going to run out to visit a friend who recently moved into a new home. I had not yet seen the house, despite multiple promises to stop. After I got there, it wasn't long and my son started calling me to tell me to come home. Then when I stopped answering my phone... I started receiving a text message every five seconds from him. There seemed to be no end to the ornery behavior.

Why? Maybe they just hadn't had enough sleep. We had a busy Saturday. But, I wonder on days like that if it is something more. I know over the past few years I have even noticed that in myself. It is subconscious. I don't intend to be crabby - but there is something in the air on certain days. Something that nags at your conscience telling you that things are just not right that day. I wonder if that was the children on Sunday. Just feeling a bit of that void in their lives.

This is something that for me has gotten easier. I am able to be more even-tempered despite the date on the calendar. I am less and less affected. But, sometimes I still sense it is there. Without even consciously thinking about it, it is there...

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
8. Cut yourself and your kids some slack... and be prepared. No matter how much you 'think' you will be fine. There are certain days on the calendar that you can't be fine no matter how hard you try.

FEELING COMPLETE

My widow friend 'J' made a comment to me yesterday about how she is feeling complete without her husband. It was like a light bulb that went off in my head... and I realized that is the key. I have never thought too much about the whys in missing someone - but it occurs to me now that a lot of missing them is related to the void felt in our own lives because they are not here. We are no longer complete. And until we brick by brick re-build our lives to create a new life that is strong and full, we will continue to see and feel the void that is there.

Step-by-step.... brick-by-brick..... We rebuild until we can honestly look at ourselves and say..I am feeling complete without him. At that point they are not gone, but they are treasured. But you are complete and can continue to build on your new foundation a life that is great and grand.

THE LITTLE THINGS... LIKE GARBAGE

I have told you before about some of the changes I made after Chris' death. Due to my bad experience with the garbage when Chris was ill, I was quick to make some changes to how my garbage was disposed of.

This was not an immediate change - and I did OK for the first few months.

By OK I mean that on the multiple mornings I would hit the snooze and not be up in time to take the garbage out to the curb before they came to pick it up, there were no additional incidents. I do believe my cold location was a definite benefit. I was able to store up a few weeks of garbage without any odor or mishaps.

When I moved, I knew I had to do something different with my garbage. Early Tuesday morning was not working for me - and I didn't have any men showing up at my doorstop volunteering to assume the chore of taking the garbage out. I had a friend with an apartment complex that had an on-site dumpster... and he was kind enough to allow me to use it.

This was the perfect solution. Aside from the few downsides, such as having to throw the bags in the back of my car and people looking at my strangely, truly not understanding why I would take my garbage somewhere when there were these things called Garbage Trucks that come and pick it up at your house. They didn't understand the inconvenience of having to be so structured. I am not a very structured person in some areas. So, to be told the exact date and time for my garbage to be on the curb...I found it highly inconvenient. It has been great! No early mornings... complete flexibility. Isn't it funny how little things seem to simplify your life tremendously?

The only hitch in my whole garbage plan is when the tenants call the landlord (my friend) and report the crazy lady throwing garbage in his dumpster! My friend always thanks them for their watchful eye and promises to take care of it.

GRASS IS GREENER SYNDROME

Sometimes I look at things that happen and think “That never would have happened if I was still at home with the kids”. I don’t want to have The Grass is Greener Syndrome, but sometimes I watch the chaos and wonder how we made it here… In my mind we are law abiding citizens who try to be kind to others and keep our home well kept. In reality… that is not always what is happening. For example:

I called home the other day to discover the police were at my house. YES, I said the police. It appears that my daughter decided to go in her club house with our miniature schnauzer. I suppose I should clarify that the club house is nothing more than a tree. Don’t get me wrong… there is NO structure in the tree, this is just a regular old tree with branches, etc. She likes to go sit in there to get away from the world… and so she thought it would be even better if she could take her four-legged friend with her.

They enjoyed some quiet time together in the tree, and then she attempted to get out of the tree. On her way down (carrying the dog) she slipped. She was able to catch herself without a problem – but in order to do that she had to let go of the dog. The neighbor was watching as the dog seemingly was ‘thrown’ out of the tree. My daughter’s side of the story states that the dog fell a mere two feet down to the snow bank below… and since dogs are related to wolfs, this really was not an issue.

The neighbor felt otherwise and remembered back to the previous week when he saw the children putting the cat on the roof (or my kids say they were getting the cat off the roof), he felt he had seen enough cruelty and called the police to report “cruelty to animals”.

Would I have lost this much control if I wasn’t playing mom and dad all at once?

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
4. Accept the fact early on that you aren't going to be as effective playing mom and dad as you were when you were just playing mom. Things will happen.

DOES IT EVER GET EASIER?

People tell you it will.... but I think the jury is still out as far as I am concerned. In the beginning it was new, there were a lot of adjustments to make... but now... now I feel like: OK enough is enough! I have been doing this too long. I don't want to do it any more. He can come back now!

Maybe you get used to it - so the hurt isn't so raw. But it is still there, it has only changed.

Of course, 5 years ago today I stood at a graveside in the freezing cold watching as they lowered my husband's body into the ground. So surreal. The feelings I had in that very moment so easily and speedily return when I just think for a moment of that day....