MY BOOK OF EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING A BETTER BLOGGER

I don't typically use this site to truly log in like a diary... but I have not exactly been keeping up on my journal either.

I committed to myself that all that was captured here would be the embers.. and all ashes would be left behind. I hope today's entry does not stray from that commitment too much.

Let me just take a moment to say... I hope to get back to blogging soon. My goal was one year. I did well... for quite a while... but I have been bad about it lately. Perhaps I need to update my goal to be 365 posts.

I don't mean to make excuses for my lack of writing... but I know my fellow widows will understand that sometimes life just hits you from all directions. I wish I could offer some consoling words that eventually it stops. I will say I am better equipped, emotionally and otherwise, to handle the storms... but the storms continue to rage.

In the last six months my oldest moved back home after a hiatus of living with his uncle and their family. He has on multiple occasions tested the boundaries, I am certain as a way of questioning if he will be 'sent away' again. He continually comments that life was better there. I know he loved his time there - but I think the comments are just a way for him to test and see if I am going to send him back. He is looking for reaction. His grades are not good. I made the decision to hire a tutor to come in every day. Financially it put a pinch on things - but the stress it has removed from me is huge. He has been vocal about his feelings / or lack of feelings regarding the existence of God. I treaded lightly on those waters, as for any who read here regularly know that my faith in God is unwavering. I credit Him for getting me here today. sane (or at least pretty close to it). I have felt his watchful eye and caring hand for me and my family. There is a part of me that would react with anger at the mere mention that God does not exist. For - how could my son be so ungrateful. We have so much. God has truly compensated in our lives for the loss of my husband. I bit my tongue... spent many hours on multiple occasions listening and did a lot of praying to know when to stop biting my tongue (it was starting to hurt) and when to open my mouth and what to say when I did. Currently we are taking a hiatus from his life of "atheism". He commented to me the other day that things are better at home. We are all getting along better. I could tell you the moment it changed. And perhaps I will someday. For now, I will just say that my Father in Heaven truly loves me. He is there for me and answers my prayers in time. I was given the strength to endure and the words to say when needed. I don't believe that battle is over - but it has quited for now. His behavior in church was such that he was "eliminated" from his Sunday School class. I feel badly for the poor Bishopric member who showed up at my house and had to witness my tears and pleading that SOMEONE would help me in my efforts of single parenting. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is perfect in its organization. As 'men' we are not always perfect in carrying it out. I 'should' have resources available to me... a home teacher.. a Young Men's president, something. I felt alone. I am tired of trying to do it alone. This poor man had to sit and endure my tears and pleadings for help. After he left I got a hold of myself and stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized that my oldest may not have 'local' support like I wish he did - but because of my calling at church he has the attention and interest of the Stake YM President and his councilors.. they seek him out.. they call him at home. They challenge him to complete things and to stretch himself. They have a relationship with him. We are not without anyone... God fills in where needed.

My calling at church has taken some time for me to begin to settle in to. I still feel very inadequate and out of my element... but I am starting to 'settle' and 'catch up' on all that needs to be done.

I have been given a date for my last day at work. Up and down... up and down...they have finally eliminated my position. This is not a surprise. I saw it coming for a long time. They have taken care of me on my departure... another blessing from above. I suppose I should be concerned... single mother and all... but even my kids are looking forward to it. My friend's eight-year old son asked me what I was going to do. I told him I am going to just be a mom for awhile. I miss that.

All this and more has encompassed the last few months of my life. The addition to it all is I am dating someone who is wonderful. Finding the time to dedicate to fostering that relationship is near impossible.. but as with everything in single parenthood it becomes a game of prioritization. Less gets done around the house in exchange for time with someone great. But - alas I am and always have been a bit of a 'freak show'. So, while the entrance of this person is wonderful... there are a slew of emotions to cope with along the way. Perhaps I will touch more on that another day.... I could say a lot about that.

My good girlfriend is undergoing chemo for breast cancer. She just started a week or two ago. My husband's cousin was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My friend from work is working on recovering from non-hodgkin's lymphoma, and a friend from my b.w. life (that is Before Widowhood) is battling cancer with her young son. I am looking forward to some time of not working.. perhaps will give me a chance to give back to everyone that has given to me.

I'd say enough whining!! On to blogging!!! But - really I hope you read this with the right tone. I am not whining. I still testify that my Father in Heaven loves and cares for me. He knows me. And He must see potential for more growth in me... cause the storms still rage. I am glad He has confidence in me! :)

KILL THE KID OR KISS THE KID?

I know kill sounds harsh. I am not sure where that phrase came from - but I can say it just fine. Writing it... now I feel like a bad person for even thinking I am going to kill my child (not that I actually thought that - just thought / said the phrase). Well, except for the time that my husband and I considered the advantages and disadvantages to killing our seven year old before he reached an age of accountability. We thought we could sacrifice our salvation for his... you know. It was not looking good when he was seven, what would the rest of his life bring?

In all seriousness, now having written that, I feel as if it could be used against me in some court of law. Like some freak accident will happen, and the words of my blog saying I thought about killing my child will be spread all over national TV. So, let me just clarify... there is not a piece of me that would hurt my child in any way... but sometimes... oh sometimes, I just don't know what to do with these kids.

My youngest is the culprit lately. Crabby, crabby, crabby. And I can not figure out why. Possible reasons:

1. His dad's birthday - makes us all a little on edge
2. He is tired because he is up listening to his ipod into the night instead of sleeping.
3. School has been in for a few weeks now, and he is still adjusting to the early mornings.
4. Football season is getting old and starting to wear on him.
5. He is right, I am the worst mother ever.
6. I am dating someone... (I will fill you all in one of these days) and for the first time in years, he is having to share me like never before
7. He is getting closer to those teenage years, and is turning ornery early
8. He is spoiled rotten

So, depending which of these reasons are correct, should determine my response. Does he need hugs and kisses and time with mom? Or, does he need some quiet time in his bedroom and doing extra chores?

Sometimes, I get sick of being the only parent and having to figure this out on my own.

THE TRUTH

Yes, I committed that this blog would be a priority this year.

Yes, I have learned that I can write this blog on the 30th - but post it here as if I actually did it five days ago (such a handy thing I wish I could do to real life).

Yes, I am falling behind lately.

But, NO, I will no longer feel obligated to catch up when I fall behind.

I can't take the pressure.

Listen people, life is crazy busy. I am working full-time, am a single mom to three beautiful children, have a house that needs to be cleaned every now and then, and this really cute guy that I prefer to offer some attention to on occasion.

I have to let things drop sometimes... 'cause the reality of life is... I am so far from perfect! So, that's the truth. Can I stop the charades now?

HOPE YA KNOW, WE HAD A HARD TIME

PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS NOT NORMAL

I am better. I am stronger. I am not who I used to be.

Most of that is a good thing. I have been stretched.

There is much more I desire to be. I don't know when I will find the time to be the person I want to be. But, in the meantime... somedays I see who I am / how I am... and I just hope this is not normal. That there is still healing to do, that once done I will not be like this anymore.

Please tell me I didn't get suck in a rutt of bad behavior on my path that has become my normal.

I don't like it.... But, I am also not sure where I will find the energy to change it. Patience and prayer.

GOOD THINGS TO COME

As I look back over the past five years, I can echo Jeffrey R. Hollands words. Blessings will come. It will be alright in the end. Trust in God and believe in good things to come.

There were many days I was comforted in knowing that the sun would go down, and then would rise again. I knew that in that passage of time answers to prayers could come, I could be blessed with patience. And if it didn't happen that day... tomorrow would come with an opportunity for those blessings to come.

They always came. At least those things I needed most. Good things always came

EASY AND WILLING TO BELIEVE

Are we ever like Naaman, the Syrian leper who was sent to the prophet in Israel to be cleansed? When Elisha sent a messenger with instructions to dip seven times in the Jordan River, Naaman went away angry. Thankfully, he had a servant who said, “If the prophet had bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it? how much rather then, when he saith to thee, Wash, and be clean?” (2 Kings 5:13).

I have thought of that story often over the years. Who among us wants to be like Naaman? But, how often are we slow to follow counsel that has been given… or slow to heed the teachings in the scriptures… or hesitant to observe the personal revelation we have received?

Wouldn’t we rather be seen as individuals who are willing and easy to believe?

And thus we see that the Lord began to pour out his Spirit upon the Lamanites, because of their easiness and willingness to believe in his words. Helaman 6:36

The journey of widowhood has been one that has increased my trust in the Lord. It has caused me to be more patient and to take the steps I feel inspired to take. Regardless of whether I understand where that step is going to take me. I have more fully been able to follow blindly, with an easiness to believe. There have been steps that have been difficult – but with each step I take I feel as though I have strengthened my relationship with my Savior. He does not leave us. I may get lazy in doing the things I know draw me closer – such as daily prayer and scripture reading – but He is always there, I just need to come back to Him.

As I look back over the past five years and look at the outcomes to difficult decisions, I am grateful. Grateful that this has not been a journey I have walked alone. Grateful to my Savior for leading me, guiding me and walking by me.

WHAT WILL THE CHILDREN REMEMBER?

What will my children remember me as?

I wonder that often and also wonder if I am ensuring the future of America's Psychologists with the parenting I am doing.

I wonder if my children will remember me laughing. I laugh a lot. Most psychologists would probably say too much. But, I laugh. When faced with the option to laugh or cry... I will usually laugh. But will the children remember me laughing or will they remember the times that the patience was gone?

Will they remember me curled up in my bed from the days that just weren't good days, or will they remember us going hiking?

Will they remember the times I came home to a broken window or light and my only response was shaking my head or will they remember the times I was exhausted and I would yell at them for hardly anything?

Will they remember that I tried to read scriptures every night with them or will they remember the nights I forgot?

Will they look back at the times we drove by their father's grave - and I would tell them all to wave to their father as good times or that I was losing my mind?

Will they remember me as someone who was different when their dad was here than I was when he was gone? And will that different be good or bad?

PATIENCE TO BE A MOTHER

When I go to the gym and lift weights, I pick a particular weight and start my reps. Often 10 reps is pretty easy. I then start my second set and it is more difficult, but again I am able to do it. By the third set my muscles are tired and it is almost too difficult to finish the last rep.

I feel like that often with my patience. As I start the day I am usually doing alright... but as the weights of the day and the number of times I am faced with a trial tied to widowhood increase, my ability to be patient is exhausted just like my muscles when lifting weights.

The concept, I am sure, is that as this happens, my patience increases, just as my muscles grow when I lift weights...

But some days I wonder if I am increasing in patience enough... because I don't know if I have the patience life demands for me to be a good mother. As I feel pulled a hundred different directions, am I able to focus on the most important responsibility of the day and work effectively?

Not yet... but I suppose I am better than I was a year ago. (For instance... as I write this and the kids are running around despite the dozen petitions for them to go to bed... I haven't raised my voice yet - of course the kids would probably not agree with that statement)

PATIENCE

If widowhood does something for you, it helps you see clearly every weakness you have. I can no longer allow my husband to stand strong in the areas I was weak in – I must stand there as well. I must stand in the wide open realization that I am not good at what I am doing.

In his book How To Succeed With People, Stephen R. Covey says, “Patience accepts the reality of life that in all things there is a process, a step one, step two, step three process that cannot be ignored or bypassed.”

The very act of healing requires patience. The process was and is so up and down. There are good days and on those good days you wish that you were there. That you have made it. That you are done! But, the next day you may wake up and find it is a bad day. You aren’t done yet. There is still more pain to feel. Sometimes I just want to say, ENOUGH. No more pain, no more bad days.

I have learned patience in this process. I have seen there is a step one and then two. I can not ignore it or bypass it. I must embrace it. On the days that are my good days… I look for ways to enrich my life so I can thrive. On bad days I allow myself to feel the emotions. To honor them. To know that today is just a day that I can crawl into bed and feel miserable for whatever amount of time is possible. I don’t ignore it and try to press forward. I feel it, and press forward. It is a step and I can not skip it.

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
3. Be patient with the development of patience. It will come. Have faith in your own unseen potential.