I have made a few trips to the Cancer Center about an hour from here in the last few weeks. I have had the opportunity to continue to accompany my husband's cousin to her doctor appointments and treatments.
I have been pleasantly surprised at how well I have done with it all. It seems every time we go, we walk into another place that has memories that takes me back. Amazing how many waiting rooms I sat in years ago. Each for a different reason, a different test or scan, a different doctor, a different treatment. When my stay in the waiting rooms was long, I would sometimes walk out into the hall. Each floor in the Cancer Center (aside from the hospital room floors) has a balcony that overlooks the lobby. There are volunteers that come in and perform in the 'background' their various musical talents. I remember the piano. I don't know who, and perhaps it was several different people, but I remember laying on the bench floors above the lobby, passing the time while listening to someone play the piano. It was soothing.
A couple years ago, I had stopped into the Cancer Center around Christmas time as I was looking for a particular item I knew they sold there in the Gift Shop. When I walked in, I was struck by the sound of the piano. I walked into the gift shop, but was overcome and I had to leave.
With my recent visits there I have seen guitar players and other instruments, but this past week I walked in to a pianist. It felt good. He was young and talented. I watched him. He was casually watching the hustle of the lobby while playing a beautiful and soothing piece. He caught my eye, and I smiled. I was grateful. Grateful that time has passed enough for me to feel the soothing peace in the music and grateful for people like him that share their talents so people like me can feel some peace in their storm.
Showing posts with label before he died. Show all posts
Showing posts with label before he died. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
SIX YEARS
On my last day of work a couple weeks ago, I came home to flowers from a friend with a note that read, "To brighten your day and celebrate a new door opening in your life!"
I feel as though that has been my theme this year. Moving forward... new doors opening... I have gained tremendous strength and finished much of the healing process. I am liking the person I am becoming and accepting myself in all my weaknesses. My kids are stronger.. they are better. It truly felt like a milestone year.
We attended church today, my oldest went home with a friend following church and the younger two are snug on the couch with each other watching a movie. Chris died on a Sunday. It is odd thinking the years have gone by enough for the 16th to fall on the same day of the week. It has my mind thinking forward to the events of the days that followed.
I asked my kids today to tell me some 'stories' they remember about their dad. This is what they told me... in their words:
Wrestling on the furry white carpet at Grandma's house.
He woke us up late at night and made us finish our chores.
Packing us a lunch box to go to grandma's and then watching him work (he packed pringles).
When we worked with him he gave us cracker sticks with cheese (in the little packages).
In the winter when he plowed at Grandma's he would make us big hills to sled on.
When we went to the hospital to see him they gave us popsicles.
When he was sick I (daughter) would come home from school and sit in his blue chair with him and watch TV with him.
He made me (youngest son) fried bologna for lunch.
We wanted to play in the sprinkler but he made us clean our room.
He put the train around the Christmas Tree.
He read us Harry Potter every night.
He told us ghost stories.
He took us to plane shows and car shows.
He took us out on the boat and when he turned fast our sister would cry.
He had dogs.
He showed us a stick bug.
Six years and moving forward. Life goes on. The Lord compensates for the loss. Joy is felt.
I think I am going to put in a fire.... and join the kids for the movie. And tonight when I say my prayers... I am going to express my gratitude for the tender mecies and the blessings that have made my cup to 'runneth over'.
I feel as though that has been my theme this year. Moving forward... new doors opening... I have gained tremendous strength and finished much of the healing process. I am liking the person I am becoming and accepting myself in all my weaknesses. My kids are stronger.. they are better. It truly felt like a milestone year.
We attended church today, my oldest went home with a friend following church and the younger two are snug on the couch with each other watching a movie. Chris died on a Sunday. It is odd thinking the years have gone by enough for the 16th to fall on the same day of the week. It has my mind thinking forward to the events of the days that followed.
I asked my kids today to tell me some 'stories' they remember about their dad. This is what they told me... in their words:
Wrestling on the furry white carpet at Grandma's house.
He woke us up late at night and made us finish our chores.
Packing us a lunch box to go to grandma's and then watching him work (he packed pringles).
When we worked with him he gave us cracker sticks with cheese (in the little packages).
In the winter when he plowed at Grandma's he would make us big hills to sled on.
When we went to the hospital to see him they gave us popsicles.
When he was sick I (daughter) would come home from school and sit in his blue chair with him and watch TV with him.
He made me (youngest son) fried bologna for lunch.
We wanted to play in the sprinkler but he made us clean our room.
He put the train around the Christmas Tree.
He read us Harry Potter every night.
He told us ghost stories.
He took us to plane shows and car shows.
He took us out on the boat and when he turned fast our sister would cry.
He had dogs.
He showed us a stick bug.
Six years and moving forward. Life goes on. The Lord compensates for the loss. Joy is felt.
I think I am going to put in a fire.... and join the kids for the movie. And tonight when I say my prayers... I am going to express my gratitude for the tender mecies and the blessings that have made my cup to 'runneth over'.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
SOMEONE IS GOING TO H***
Can you believe I made that my title? It is harsh, isn't it? And, it probably isn't even true... But SOMEONE... SOMEONE is going to realize what they did someday and pay the price of the sorrow they caused.
Chris loved trees. I am not sure why he had such a proclivity for the green things, but he did. He used to buy baby trees every spring and plant them. When I was mowing the lawn, in my careless ways, I would occasionally run over one. Sometimes I would analyze the scene and consider if I should take out a couple more - and then perhaps Chris would not even realize there was one missing. He would maybe just forget that row was there all together.
Unfortunately for me, that was not the case. He knew every tree he had. You would have thought they were like his pets. He cared for each of them.
One year Chris planted a few fruit trees, including a peach tree, along the border of our property. The following year, was the year Chris was very ill. It was so surprising that there were FIVE peaches growing on that tree. Usually fruit trees take much longer to bear fruit... but there were FIVE peaches. Chris would sit in his blue recliner every day recovering from surgery. He wasn't able to eat much at that time, but he would admire those peaches and was bound and determined that when they were ripe, he would eat them.
Every day, he would check on them. His body was struggling with recovery, and eating was difficult, but he maintained his position that he would eat those peaches.
One day he looked out the window to check on them. They were gone. All five. Gone. Someone had picked them. They took his peaches. He was so sad. He had spent so long looking forward to them being ripe, they were just about there, and someone took them. I felt so badly for him. It was his opportunity to enjoy the literal fruits of his labor, and his last opportunity.
I was in my old neighborhood today. My neighbor was out walking his dog. I gave him a hug and petted the dogs. I smiled with the memories of my kids laying on the neighbor's back yard letting the dogs lick their face. They had so much fun with those dogs. The new owner to the house was out painting the trim. I said hello and complimented the work he has done in keeping the place looking nice. I asked about the peaches. Did they ever get any? Never. I think even the tree was heartbroken that day his peaches were stolen. I just envision this tree working so hard to provide FIVE peaches to his loving owner... only to have them stolen. Now, the tree produces none.
Chris loved trees. I am not sure why he had such a proclivity for the green things, but he did. He used to buy baby trees every spring and plant them. When I was mowing the lawn, in my careless ways, I would occasionally run over one. Sometimes I would analyze the scene and consider if I should take out a couple more - and then perhaps Chris would not even realize there was one missing. He would maybe just forget that row was there all together.
Unfortunately for me, that was not the case. He knew every tree he had. You would have thought they were like his pets. He cared for each of them.
One year Chris planted a few fruit trees, including a peach tree, along the border of our property. The following year, was the year Chris was very ill. It was so surprising that there were FIVE peaches growing on that tree. Usually fruit trees take much longer to bear fruit... but there were FIVE peaches. Chris would sit in his blue recliner every day recovering from surgery. He wasn't able to eat much at that time, but he would admire those peaches and was bound and determined that when they were ripe, he would eat them.
Every day, he would check on them. His body was struggling with recovery, and eating was difficult, but he maintained his position that he would eat those peaches.
One day he looked out the window to check on them. They were gone. All five. Gone. Someone had picked them. They took his peaches. He was so sad. He had spent so long looking forward to them being ripe, they were just about there, and someone took them. I felt so badly for him. It was his opportunity to enjoy the literal fruits of his labor, and his last opportunity.
I was in my old neighborhood today. My neighbor was out walking his dog. I gave him a hug and petted the dogs. I smiled with the memories of my kids laying on the neighbor's back yard letting the dogs lick their face. They had so much fun with those dogs. The new owner to the house was out painting the trim. I said hello and complimented the work he has done in keeping the place looking nice. I asked about the peaches. Did they ever get any? Never. I think even the tree was heartbroken that day his peaches were stolen. I just envision this tree working so hard to provide FIVE peaches to his loving owner... only to have them stolen. Now, the tree produces none.
Friday, September 10, 2010
TENDER MERCIES
I have a friend whose young son is fighting cancer. That is a trial, I cannot imagine. She wrote these words the other day, that I felt I could relate to. They took me back to those days.
“I think about all the people going about their lives down on the street. Is it really possible that there are people doing normal things like going to soccer practice and homework, etc? Once in a while I have a brief fleeting moment of being envious of the normalcy of other's lives. Then I come back to my own reality and be thankful of my blessings: I get to spend quality time with my little man, there is always someone with a worse story than ours, I have a husband and partner to help me through this instead of having to make the decision of leaving my child here alone, we have this wonderful facility right in our backyard. Yes, this is bad. Yes, it will get worse. Yes, I am blessed anyway.”
It evoked memories of similar feelings. There is something very precious and sacred about the quality time and relationship that can be developed while 'locked' in a small room.
I have come out the other side and find myself feeling very normal some days... and on those days I remember fondly, the 'abnormal' life that brought a different kind of pace and focus. I am grateful for these tender mercies from God. When He reminds us to see the good.
“I think about all the people going about their lives down on the street. Is it really possible that there are people doing normal things like going to soccer practice and homework, etc? Once in a while I have a brief fleeting moment of being envious of the normalcy of other's lives. Then I come back to my own reality and be thankful of my blessings: I get to spend quality time with my little man, there is always someone with a worse story than ours, I have a husband and partner to help me through this instead of having to make the decision of leaving my child here alone, we have this wonderful facility right in our backyard. Yes, this is bad. Yes, it will get worse. Yes, I am blessed anyway.”
It evoked memories of similar feelings. There is something very precious and sacred about the quality time and relationship that can be developed while 'locked' in a small room.
I have come out the other side and find myself feeling very normal some days... and on those days I remember fondly, the 'abnormal' life that brought a different kind of pace and focus. I am grateful for these tender mercies from God. When He reminds us to see the good.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
HAPPILY EVER AFTER
This is the part in the story, that if it was a fairy tale, I would say that we lived happily ever after.
Happily ever after will come... but that is what the next life is for. This life is for testing. For learning. For growing.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, when speaking about stories that end with 'happily ever after', "In each of these stories, Cinderella, Belle, and the miller’s daughter have to experience sadness and trial before they can reach their 'happily ever after."
That is where most of us are in our story. We are somewhere in the middle. There is joy to be found in the journey - but 'happily ever after' when there will be no more sadness is a blessing to be reaped later.
For here and for now...
"Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your 'once upon a time' is now."
Happily ever after will come... but that is what the next life is for. This life is for testing. For learning. For growing.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, when speaking about stories that end with 'happily ever after', "In each of these stories, Cinderella, Belle, and the miller’s daughter have to experience sadness and trial before they can reach their 'happily ever after."
That is where most of us are in our story. We are somewhere in the middle. There is joy to be found in the journey - but 'happily ever after' when there will be no more sadness is a blessing to be reaped later.
For here and for now...
"Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your 'once upon a time' is now."
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
THE WEDDING
Seven weeks passed quickly with many things to accomplish in a short time frame. Our wedding was intentionally small. Forty guests. I didn't have any pre-wedding gitters. I was just excited, and happy.
The day went off without a hitch. No drama or craziness. Funny to think of that now. Drama and craziness have become so common place, it is funny to think it was so simple. So perfect.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
SETTING A DATE
We discussed a date for our wedding the next day. We tossed around a few ideas... but the more our dates started to get pushed out, the more we realized there was no point in waiting. We set our wedding date for seven weeks away.
I was hopelessly in love. I was in awe of how I had been blessed with everything I wanted in a husband. He made me a better person, made me feel better about who I was. The phrase "I love you" did not feel to convey my true feelings for him. I felt it was more. It was deeper and more passionate than just, I love you. I would say "I love you" and ache to be able to say more. But those were the only words I knew.
As much as I was in love, I was also aware of what very different people he and I were. I knew we would have to work to make it work. But, I felt that our marriage would be something to cherish and something that was worth working for.
I was hopelessly in love. I was in awe of how I had been blessed with everything I wanted in a husband. He made me a better person, made me feel better about who I was. The phrase "I love you" did not feel to convey my true feelings for him. I felt it was more. It was deeper and more passionate than just, I love you. I would say "I love you" and ache to be able to say more. But those were the only words I knew.
As much as I was in love, I was also aware of what very different people he and I were. I knew we would have to work to make it work. But, I felt that our marriage would be something to cherish and something that was worth working for.
Monday, July 19, 2010
THE PROPOSAL
Chris invited me to go to Niagara Falls with him on Saturday. I could tell something was up... perhaps just a gut feeling... but I was guessing Chris was going to propose. Now, this is one subject Chris and I did talk about later.. and I guess that even though I was sure this was the day.. In reality, Chris was not sure. He was going to play it by ear and see if the opportunity presented itself.
We spent the day enjoying the falls, walking around, riding the Maid of the Mist and by dinner time were feeling pretty tired. We walked back to where the car was parked, and I knew it was coming. I suppose I knew before Chris knew he was going to do it! We grabbed a picnic lunch Chris had packed as well as a blanket and spread out on the lawn to enjoy the beautiful day. We enjoyed our picnic and continued resting on the blanket enjoying each other and the sun.
Chris then asked me if I had gotten sick of him yet. I assured him I had not, nor would I ever. Then reciprocated his question by asking if he was getting sick of me. He replied by telling me he was getting sick of some things... such as the long drive home late at night after he comes to see me. He asked what I thought we should do about this. To which I turned the question back to him. And he simply replied, "I think you should just marry me." Just as simply I said Okay.
There I sat, grinning from ear to ear... I couldn't help it. Chris looked at me after a little bit and let me know he was serious. He was not kidding. I told him I knew. There we sat in silence for a bit until Chris jumped up, looked at me and said, "So, will ya? Will ya marry me?" and I replied with a "yes, yes, yes". He then handed me a ring in a brown velvet box. At this point I felt we needed a little bit of the classic, expected behavior. He needed to open the box and put it on my finger. I was not about to do that myself. So, I just sat there holding the box. And we began to talk of other things. He then took the box from me, set it down and again, we continued to talk. Finally, he took the ring from the box and put it on my finger.
I felt it was perfect. The perfect proposal for us... for how and who we were.
We spent the day enjoying the falls, walking around, riding the Maid of the Mist and by dinner time were feeling pretty tired. We walked back to where the car was parked, and I knew it was coming. I suppose I knew before Chris knew he was going to do it! We grabbed a picnic lunch Chris had packed as well as a blanket and spread out on the lawn to enjoy the beautiful day. We enjoyed our picnic and continued resting on the blanket enjoying each other and the sun.
Chris then asked me if I had gotten sick of him yet. I assured him I had not, nor would I ever. Then reciprocated his question by asking if he was getting sick of me. He replied by telling me he was getting sick of some things... such as the long drive home late at night after he comes to see me. He asked what I thought we should do about this. To which I turned the question back to him. And he simply replied, "I think you should just marry me." Just as simply I said Okay.
There I sat, grinning from ear to ear... I couldn't help it. Chris looked at me after a little bit and let me know he was serious. He was not kidding. I told him I knew. There we sat in silence for a bit until Chris jumped up, looked at me and said, "So, will ya? Will ya marry me?" and I replied with a "yes, yes, yes". He then handed me a ring in a brown velvet box. At this point I felt we needed a little bit of the classic, expected behavior. He needed to open the box and put it on my finger. I was not about to do that myself. So, I just sat there holding the box. And we began to talk of other things. He then took the box from me, set it down and again, we continued to talk. Finally, he took the ring from the box and put it on my finger.
I felt it was perfect. The perfect proposal for us... for how and who we were.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
FOUR DAYS LATER
I have a feeling Chris is going to ask me to marry him this weekend. I may be totally off.. but something is up.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
COMING HOME
I came home from vacation... it had been too long since I had seen Chris, which put me on edge. Emotionally really needing a lot of love and attention - but the reality of life also facing me. Work, etc.
I saw him the night I got home - but our families were together and so one-on-one attention was not there. I had been sick, and that on top of feeling a little emotionally drained put me in a quiet mood. I didn't talk to him too much that evening. Just watched the evening unfold. Enjoyed his presence, but needed more.
A couple days passed... he didn't call. Why? (Thinking back, I wish he was available to ask that question to). I finally called him. He was not in a good mood when I called. He was frustrated with some of the happenings from our last encounter. Little things that seemed meaningless to me, but were serious to him. I didn't want this type of phone call. I needed to feel better about us, not worse. I got off the phone feeling depressed and upset. I just needed to be able to sit and talk to him. We had been talking just on the phone for too long. I was frustrated. I cried. He was upsetting me. I was upsetting him. He was confusing me. I was confusing him.
And in that moment, I just craved to know how he felt about me.
I saw him the night I got home - but our families were together and so one-on-one attention was not there. I had been sick, and that on top of feeling a little emotionally drained put me in a quiet mood. I didn't talk to him too much that evening. Just watched the evening unfold. Enjoyed his presence, but needed more.
A couple days passed... he didn't call. Why? (Thinking back, I wish he was available to ask that question to). I finally called him. He was not in a good mood when I called. He was frustrated with some of the happenings from our last encounter. Little things that seemed meaningless to me, but were serious to him. I didn't want this type of phone call. I needed to feel better about us, not worse. I got off the phone feeling depressed and upset. I just needed to be able to sit and talk to him. We had been talking just on the phone for too long. I was frustrated. I cried. He was upsetting me. I was upsetting him. He was confusing me. I was confusing him.
And in that moment, I just craved to know how he felt about me.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
A BREAK
A few weeks later I was leaving for a family vacation. I was hesitant to go, as I dreaded not seeing Chris for 11 days.
Once gone, I felt it was one of the best things for our relationship - to just get out of my environment. I was living with daily support from everyone that knew Chris and I. They were all 'pro' the relationship... you could almost see how it would be easy to get pushed into it. It was good to change environments and visit my sisters who must have thought I was crazy and were striving to set me up with different people.
It put it all in perspective for me. I really had no desire for them to set me up. I just wanted Chris. It felt good to know I felt that not only in an environment where that feeling was encouraged, but also when it was discouraged.
I loved him.
Once gone, I felt it was one of the best things for our relationship - to just get out of my environment. I was living with daily support from everyone that knew Chris and I. They were all 'pro' the relationship... you could almost see how it would be easy to get pushed into it. It was good to change environments and visit my sisters who must have thought I was crazy and were striving to set me up with different people.
It put it all in perspective for me. I really had no desire for them to set me up. I just wanted Chris. It felt good to know I felt that not only in an environment where that feeling was encouraged, but also when it was discouraged.
I loved him.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
HERE I AM.... WHERE IS HE?
Once I let go, it was all very clear. I was madly in love with this guy and wanted nothing else than to be with him always. I loved to spend time with him, to watch him to look at him and I loved to talk to him.
I knew I was young to be considering marriage, but I knew Chris was everything I would ever want and had ever dreamed of in a husband. Why would I wait, just because I was young? I knew there would be many that would not approve, but that did not concern me. I knew, for me, this was it.
Every time I saw him I seemed to fall more in love with him.
I was ready.... and waiting... and waiting...
Then it occurred to me that although we talked about marriage, it was usually because I brought it up. Was it possible that he did not see us on that path?
I knew I was young to be considering marriage, but I knew Chris was everything I would ever want and had ever dreamed of in a husband. Why would I wait, just because I was young? I knew there would be many that would not approve, but that did not concern me. I knew, for me, this was it.
Every time I saw him I seemed to fall more in love with him.
I was ready.... and waiting... and waiting...
Then it occurred to me that although we talked about marriage, it was usually because I brought it up. Was it possible that he did not see us on that path?
Monday, July 12, 2010
CAN I TELL HIM?
I struggled for another couple weeks, falling more in love - but finding myself unable and too afraid to open my mouth and tell him how I felt. I finally decided I had to let him know, even if I couldn't tell him face-to-face. I wrote him a letter. I felt a bit like a chicken, but was really just glad he knew. That I had finally communicated to him how I was feeling. I told him I was scared, I told him there was a part of me that was very hesitant to be here, I told him that bit by bit these fears had left and that my fear of the future had disappeared. I told him how happy I was and how much I enjoy spending time with him and I told him I loved him.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
PROGRESS
The 10th
The 19th
The 23rd
The 1st
The 4th
The 13th
The 20th
Chris is wonderful, I've never been treated so well and been so happy.
The 19th
Out of nowhere, I have a desire to go to school far away and date a bunch of different people... and have fun. But, Chris is the best! I've never had such a wonderful friend.
The 23rd
I'm really starting to fall for him. In a way it kinda scares me, but in another way it's wonderful.
The 1st
He said he liked who he was with, he liked what he was doing, and he said he thinks he's falling in love. Then he kissed me and said, "no, make that past-tense". I couldn't say it back because I just didn't know.
The 4th
I miss Chris. I wonder if I have crossed his mind since he left (he was at his brother's wedding).
The 13th
I was looking at pictures from his brother's wedding and as I looked at them I couldn't help but hope that would be Chris and I. I really think I am in love with him, but sometimes it is so hard to tell because I have always had a love for him. Discerning between the two is difficult. I love seeing him, I love being with him, I love his touch - his kiss and I always dread saying goodbye. I have not let him know how much I care and how I feel. I wish I was better about letting him know how I feel.
The 20th
I'm kinda scared. I've totally fallen in love with Chris and I'm so afraid something is going to go wrong. That somehow I'm going to screw things up. He is so wonderful, but I have never told him how I feel... he doesn't know I love him. I wish I would tell him. I think about it, but never say it. I don't ever want to lose him.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
WHAT IF
I had never been so unsure of how I felt about someone. I would be lying to say I didn't enjoy the Saturday we had spent... and how it had ended. Void, of course, from all the craziness in my head.
The days following were busy, and when night came I found sleep did not come easily. Just a few hours a night, if I was lucky. Chris had called the day after and left a message, but I had not had the opportunity to return his call. I finally couldn't take any more sleepless nights, so I called him late one evening. He was just walking in the door and asked if he could call me back in a few minutes. I agreed. And he did. We talked for about half an hour and arranged that he would pick me up from work on Saturday. I was excited to see him. I was starting to feel that maybe a relationship like "this" with Chris would be good.
The next day a card came in the mail from Chris. It simply said "Next to me, there will always be a place for you." He wrote a thank you for our time on Saturday and put the ball in my court regarding what was next.
I spent a lot of time thinking about that. There was, surprisingly, this part of me that wanted to pursue it... but that part of me was also sitting in fear knowing that Chris was at a stage in his life where marriage was what he was looking for. I knew I loved this guy and that he was my best friend, and that we could have a lot of fun together... but marriage. I was young. I was not looking to get married. Not that dating him meant I had to marry him... but when you know him as well as I do, what could we 'break-up' over? And if we don't 'break-up' and if Chris is at the stage in life to get married, and if my only reason for not getting married is because I am young... what will happen?
I felt like making the decision to pursue this was like making the decision that I would marry him. I rolled this over again and again in my mind... trying to come to terms with the thought of me getting married in the next year or so. Could I do that? Chris was my best friend. I had good girlfriends, but there was no one that I could be so relaxed and comfortable with and just be me. What if dating him messed that up? I cherished our friendship and didn't want to risk losing that.
The days following were busy, and when night came I found sleep did not come easily. Just a few hours a night, if I was lucky. Chris had called the day after and left a message, but I had not had the opportunity to return his call. I finally couldn't take any more sleepless nights, so I called him late one evening. He was just walking in the door and asked if he could call me back in a few minutes. I agreed. And he did. We talked for about half an hour and arranged that he would pick me up from work on Saturday. I was excited to see him. I was starting to feel that maybe a relationship like "this" with Chris would be good.
The next day a card came in the mail from Chris. It simply said "Next to me, there will always be a place for you." He wrote a thank you for our time on Saturday and put the ball in my court regarding what was next.
I spent a lot of time thinking about that. There was, surprisingly, this part of me that wanted to pursue it... but that part of me was also sitting in fear knowing that Chris was at a stage in his life where marriage was what he was looking for. I knew I loved this guy and that he was my best friend, and that we could have a lot of fun together... but marriage. I was young. I was not looking to get married. Not that dating him meant I had to marry him... but when you know him as well as I do, what could we 'break-up' over? And if we don't 'break-up' and if Chris is at the stage in life to get married, and if my only reason for not getting married is because I am young... what will happen?
I felt like making the decision to pursue this was like making the decision that I would marry him. I rolled this over again and again in my mind... trying to come to terms with the thought of me getting married in the next year or so. Could I do that? Chris was my best friend. I had good girlfriends, but there was no one that I could be so relaxed and comfortable with and just be me. What if dating him messed that up? I cherished our friendship and didn't want to risk losing that.
Friday, July 9, 2010
THE WEDDING - I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK
No, I didn't skip ahead in the story... It just so happens that it all started to change at a wedding.
I wrote in my diary the day after "Yesterday (Saturday) was one of the most confusing days of my life... Let me explain: Chris picked me up around 11:30 - things were normal. The wedding was at 2:00 - things were different. I didn't know what or how, I could just tell they were different."
The wedding was my first Catholic experience. Up, down, up, down. When I was down, in my youthful ways, I was playing with the little clip that holds something on the back of the pew. Do you know what I am talking about? Well, I was messing with it until I accidentally let it slip and the church was very quiet until that snap echoed throughout. I, of course, nonchalantly looked around the room wondering who was so rude to be making noise like that during the ceremony. Up, down, up, down. When I was up, Chris would put his hand on my waist. What was that? odd. But, I liked it. It felt good. I squeezed his hand with my elbow. Who would have known that a little squeeze like that was all Chris needed?
When the wedding was over we started to walk out of the church and he took my hand. OK, I am young and often in youth you can over-react to any physical touch. This can be totally justified. He is just trying to lead me around and not lose me in a crowd of people, right? Just to be safe, I sat on my hands when we got in the car.
Aladdin at the movie theatre was next on our list. OK. Now there is no justifying physical touch in the movie theater. I am sitting next to him. Unless he just wanted to reach over and make sure I was still there. But, then you just have to reach out and poke... not keep touching. What was he doing? Diary entry: "I finally had to admit something??? was going on. I was scared to death???? I don't know why, but it just kept going through my mind how scared I was."
The remainder of the day, I tried to keep my physical distance. I couldn't take this. My mind was spinning. Luckily, I had to be home by midnight - so we eventually headed that direction. "All the way home I kept thinking about all of it - but I didn't know what to think. I had never thought about this happening - so I didn't know WHAT I thought of it all. When we got closer to my home he said, 'What do you think of this?' I, of course, had NO idea. We talked for a short while about it, then the subject changed. We drove around for a little. We got to my house around 11:45. I came inside about 12:45. We sat outside in his car just talking about all of this. We didn't really decide on anything 'cause I didn't know what to think - but he kissed me a few times, so I really don't know what to think."
I wrote in my diary the day after "Yesterday (Saturday) was one of the most confusing days of my life... Let me explain: Chris picked me up around 11:30 - things were normal. The wedding was at 2:00 - things were different. I didn't know what or how, I could just tell they were different."
The wedding was my first Catholic experience. Up, down, up, down. When I was down, in my youthful ways, I was playing with the little clip that holds something on the back of the pew. Do you know what I am talking about? Well, I was messing with it until I accidentally let it slip and the church was very quiet until that snap echoed throughout. I, of course, nonchalantly looked around the room wondering who was so rude to be making noise like that during the ceremony. Up, down, up, down. When I was up, Chris would put his hand on my waist. What was that? odd. But, I liked it. It felt good. I squeezed his hand with my elbow. Who would have known that a little squeeze like that was all Chris needed?
When the wedding was over we started to walk out of the church and he took my hand. OK, I am young and often in youth you can over-react to any physical touch. This can be totally justified. He is just trying to lead me around and not lose me in a crowd of people, right? Just to be safe, I sat on my hands when we got in the car.
Aladdin at the movie theatre was next on our list. OK. Now there is no justifying physical touch in the movie theater. I am sitting next to him. Unless he just wanted to reach over and make sure I was still there. But, then you just have to reach out and poke... not keep touching. What was he doing? Diary entry: "I finally had to admit something??? was going on. I was scared to death???? I don't know why, but it just kept going through my mind how scared I was."
The remainder of the day, I tried to keep my physical distance. I couldn't take this. My mind was spinning. Luckily, I had to be home by midnight - so we eventually headed that direction. "All the way home I kept thinking about all of it - but I didn't know what to think. I had never thought about this happening - so I didn't know WHAT I thought of it all. When we got closer to my home he said, 'What do you think of this?' I, of course, had NO idea. We talked for a short while about it, then the subject changed. We drove around for a little. We got to my house around 11:45. I came inside about 12:45. We sat outside in his car just talking about all of this. We didn't really decide on anything 'cause I didn't know what to think - but he kissed me a few times, so I really don't know what to think."
Thursday, July 8, 2010
MY FRIEND
Through the next nine months, I had multiple opportunities to see Chris and talk with him. He became my best friend. I found that I could be relaxed and honest and real with him, like no one else. I looked forward to the opportunities to just sit and talk with him for hours.
One day he had come to our house and we were talking. Somehow the subject came up of what kind of guy I wanted. I told him that I wanted someone that from the moment I met them I was swept away. That it was love at first sight. I specifically told him I had no interest in some guy that I knew... that I was friends with... and some relationship developing from that.
No. I wanted passion. I wanted to feel it from the moment I met the person. I wanted to see them for who they were and be instantly drawn to them. Emotionally, spiritually, physically... just lured.
I thought it sounded dreamy. And I figured some day it would happen.
Chris listened. Then asked me if I wanted to accompany him to a wedding. More than asked, he begged (OK there is the advantage to getting only one side of the story.. he is not here to disagree with me saying he begged). He had to go to the wedding, but was looking for someone to endure the experience with him. I gave him a look of "you have got to be kidding me, that is the last way I want to spend a Saturday"... then promised that if I had absolutely nothing to do, and he promised we would do something fun after the wedding, I would go. I told him to call me the week prior.. to see if I had found SOMETHING to put on my social calendar that would interfere with the wedding plan.
In my life of nothing social, I had failed to come up with an activity. So, I agreed to accompany him to the wedding.
One day he had come to our house and we were talking. Somehow the subject came up of what kind of guy I wanted. I told him that I wanted someone that from the moment I met them I was swept away. That it was love at first sight. I specifically told him I had no interest in some guy that I knew... that I was friends with... and some relationship developing from that.
No. I wanted passion. I wanted to feel it from the moment I met the person. I wanted to see them for who they were and be instantly drawn to them. Emotionally, spiritually, physically... just lured.
I thought it sounded dreamy. And I figured some day it would happen.
Chris listened. Then asked me if I wanted to accompany him to a wedding. More than asked, he begged (OK there is the advantage to getting only one side of the story.. he is not here to disagree with me saying he begged). He had to go to the wedding, but was looking for someone to endure the experience with him. I gave him a look of "you have got to be kidding me, that is the last way I want to spend a Saturday"... then promised that if I had absolutely nothing to do, and he promised we would do something fun after the wedding, I would go. I told him to call me the week prior.. to see if I had found SOMETHING to put on my social calendar that would interfere with the wedding plan.
In my life of nothing social, I had failed to come up with an activity. So, I agreed to accompany him to the wedding.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
THE FIX-UP
After knowing Chris for about a year, I loved him. Don't read that wrong. I was not IN love. But, I did love him. He was someone I wanted to have in my life always. Perhaps I could envision just being good friends with he and his wife someday.
Of course, for that to happen, I would need to make sure he married someone I liked. In fact, if I could pick her out for him it would be even better. The summer of '92 it occurred to me that a perfect person to 'fix him up' with would be my sister. She was away at college but would be home for a couple weeks and it seemed like the perfect opportunity. Arrangements were made for the two to venture out on a blind date.
I anxiously awaited the results of the evening and was thrilled to discover it had gone very well. So well in fact, that their next encounter had been arranged. My sister was only going to be home for two weeks, so they did not waste time. I think they saw each other every day that she was home.
The time quickly came though, for her to return to her job in her college town. When she returned, he was quick to send roses with an invitation for her to return home soon so he could see her.
She accepted that invitation, coming home about a month later for another two weeks. Again, every day was spent together and I was even fortunate enough to get a closer view of how this relationship was panning out when I was invited to join them on a date along with Chris' brother. We went putt-putt golfing. The two seemed to get along very well. I was hopeful.
Again, the time quickly passed and my sister was headed back to her college town. Chris' brother lived in the same town and he sent him some money with a request to send my sister some flowers again. Unfortunately, his brother was a bit busy and accidentally looked over that request. I am not certain if flowers would have made all the difference or not... but the romance faded. It was just too difficult to keep up the long distance thing.
I was disappointed, as was my mother. She too admired Chris and would have liked to have seen her daughter end up with him.
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