I can't believe I have been unemployed for ten weeks now. I have rested some. In fact this morning I went back to bed after I got the kids off. It was a busy weekend and I just felt the need for a tad bit extra rest. Of course I laid there thinking of what else I have to accomplish. I have cleaned out the basement (just need to paint the walls), cleaned out the attic, the closets, my bedroom that collects all.... but there is some painting and a garage and lawn that are still calling my name (of course it will have to stop snowing and raining for me to get out in the lawn).
It feels really good. Physically it changes the way I feel, having taken the time to get my life in order. I am not there yet, but I am surprised at the physical change it has brought on me. It gives me more energy and life. I feel less trodden down. I want to catch up my personal journal on the events of the past year or so, I need to reach out to a couple friends I have not seen, I need to make it to the temple this month, and I want to start working on some family heritage activities (namely trying to see if I have any pictures of the children from the past ten years that I should organize).
Oh... and I need to find a job. :) I think Hollywood is calling... gotta run.
Showing posts with label clouds. Show all posts
Showing posts with label clouds. Show all posts
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, January 24, 2010
FORGETTING
I remember at one point several months after my husband had passed, I was tucking the kids in for bed. At the time I would occasionally sit down with them and encourage them to write stories and memories of their dad. I remember my oldest crying, saying that he was starting to forget.
There is some truth to that...in some of the little things. The memory fades. Sometimes when I watch a home video or read from my journal - it can bring it back completely. But day to day - there is a larger, general memory of who he was. I am confident that what I have written does not say what I mean... because there are not words to explain that feeling... of losing from your grasp the fine detailed memories.
I don't think Chris was worried as he watched over us that we would forget him. He is too unforgettable. But, I am certain he was concerned about me forgetting who I was (and the kids forgetting who they are). His death changed me. There has been some positive growth, but mostly I started to lose myself somewhere in dealing with my grief, and trying to help my kids deal with theirs, and being a full-time mom, dad, and working... There was no more time for me... just this robot.
I made the comment before that I felt like I "came out of the clouds" some this year. Not just seeing peaks of sunshine - but more constant sun everyday. I don't know if it is because I came out that I found me again - or finding me again pulled me out the clouds. I am not the same person I was... but I am just starting find out who I am now and remember the good in who I was.
I laugh more now. Not to say I haven't laughed in the last five years... but laughing seemed to be something that was the "peaks of sun". When I was with friends, on a date, etc. It was no longer the everyday. But, I am finding that part of me again. I am crazy and silly and carefree. I am starting to remember.... and little by little I am becoming a new me with the past and the present gelled into one.
There is some truth to that...in some of the little things. The memory fades. Sometimes when I watch a home video or read from my journal - it can bring it back completely. But day to day - there is a larger, general memory of who he was. I am confident that what I have written does not say what I mean... because there are not words to explain that feeling... of losing from your grasp the fine detailed memories.
I don't think Chris was worried as he watched over us that we would forget him. He is too unforgettable. But, I am certain he was concerned about me forgetting who I was (and the kids forgetting who they are). His death changed me. There has been some positive growth, but mostly I started to lose myself somewhere in dealing with my grief, and trying to help my kids deal with theirs, and being a full-time mom, dad, and working... There was no more time for me... just this robot.
I made the comment before that I felt like I "came out of the clouds" some this year. Not just seeing peaks of sunshine - but more constant sun everyday. I don't know if it is because I came out that I found me again - or finding me again pulled me out the clouds. I am not the same person I was... but I am just starting find out who I am now and remember the good in who I was.
I laugh more now. Not to say I haven't laughed in the last five years... but laughing seemed to be something that was the "peaks of sun". When I was with friends, on a date, etc. It was no longer the everyday. But, I am finding that part of me again. I am crazy and silly and carefree. I am starting to remember.... and little by little I am becoming a new me with the past and the present gelled into one.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
5 YEARS LATER
I was 29. I was in love. I was widowed.
I have moved three times in the last five years... that story is for another day... but somehow, even though my husband's name isn't on anything anymore, the magazine "This Old House" has managed to keep up with me and where I live. I received a letter from them this week. It was addressed to my husband with big bold letters across the front that said, "We Want You Back". I thought...SO DO I!
It has been five years now. Five years ago today I stood in a hospital knowing I was saying goodbye, at least for this life. That was nothing compared to watching my husband say goodbye to our children. I sobbed.
It has been a journey. I have grown. I have cried. But I have come to love this path for the strength it has instilled in me, for the perspective I have gained.
I did a lot of "coming out of the clouds" this year. Don't get me wrong, it is still hard. I am still tired. I still miss him. But I am starting to find me again.... Although, sometimes, like yesterday and today, I feel like I am in a maze and I can't seem to find my way out. I just keep running into walls.
This blog is about widowhood. About the path I have been on and about the path that is coming. If you are a widow, I hope you will come here to find out you aren't crazy.... OK, maybe we are all a little crazy. But that is what makes us.. us! Welcome to the Diary of a Widow!
I have moved three times in the last five years... that story is for another day... but somehow, even though my husband's name isn't on anything anymore, the magazine "This Old House" has managed to keep up with me and where I live. I received a letter from them this week. It was addressed to my husband with big bold letters across the front that said, "We Want You Back". I thought...SO DO I!
It has been five years now. Five years ago today I stood in a hospital knowing I was saying goodbye, at least for this life. That was nothing compared to watching my husband say goodbye to our children. I sobbed.
It has been a journey. I have grown. I have cried. But I have come to love this path for the strength it has instilled in me, for the perspective I have gained.
I did a lot of "coming out of the clouds" this year. Don't get me wrong, it is still hard. I am still tired. I still miss him. But I am starting to find me again.... Although, sometimes, like yesterday and today, I feel like I am in a maze and I can't seem to find my way out. I just keep running into walls.
This blog is about widowhood. About the path I have been on and about the path that is coming. If you are a widow, I hope you will come here to find out you aren't crazy.... OK, maybe we are all a little crazy. But that is what makes us.. us! Welcome to the Diary of a Widow!
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