I HAD A DREAM

In an effort to capture some lessons... today I reflect on a dream I had. It was about nine months after Chris passed. My whole life seemed crazy. As a mother, I felt ineffective. At work, I felt exhausted. My house, needed attention. And I had recently started a relationship with Guy #1 that was not going too well at the time and was exhausting me.

One night I had a dream. I was somewhere and they were training and working with these sharks. I was in the water and this shark attacked me. My instinct was to fight back and get my arm out of his mouth, but the thought came to me to be calm and wait. So, I sat there not moving and the shark did the same. My arm was still in his mouth, but he wasn't biting harder or anything like that. Then one of the trainers saw the shark had my arm and began to wrestle with the shark. He ended up losing his hand and several fingers. The shark died a short time later.

I woke up from that dream feeling like it was a message to me. I needed to be calm and I would hurt less. Eventually it would all pass - but in the meantime it would hurt less if I was calm.

I was empowered by the mental energy that came as a result and things changed.

I need to remember that lesson more. Be calm.. and you will hurt less. In time, things will pass.

WHO I NEED TO BE CONCERNED WITH

It has been five years since my husband passed. I suppose that is a fact we have covered. What is next in life? I was 29 when he passed, had three children who were all school-age, and had lived a very fulfilling life. Those eleven years were full of life and living and 'getting somewhere'. Now. Now I feel as though I do less thriving than I do surviving. I go to work at a job that does not carry with it a possibility for much a future or the ability to really use and develop my talents on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong. I have a good job... it is just not a source of personal fulfillment. I come home and am faced with the challenges of raising teens and pre-teens. Is there something more? In ten years, what will I say I have accomplished? I get frustrated with myself sometimes, as I think I should not question this or worry as the only success I need in these ten years are good, solid, strong children.

I don't get 'down' too often in regards to this - but sometimes there are incidents that happen that bring me down. As is the case now.

Someone whom I respect made an attack on my integrity and my character. He was wrong. Whether a fabrication or misinterpretation, I don't know. But it left me wondering what else I have to cling to. When I come home at the end of the day and my bucket feels as though it has been emptied... and there is no one to fill it... it leaves me questioning myself. Every action, statement, personality trait to see if I could figure out why this attack had been made.

I spent the evening trying to distract myself with mindless tasks that needed to be completed. I worked until very late, then I climbed into Chris' pajamas and went to bed. Overall feeling very low. I crawled into bed exhausted both physically and mentally. I turned the radio on in hopes of gleaning some distraction from my thoughts. Immediately the song Live Like You Were Dying was playing. This song takes me back to when Chris was sick, as it was released just months after his diagnosis and the words were very relevant to our lives. Instantly I could feel him there with me and the tears flowed. I think I apologized for being such a dork. For allowing something like this to bother me and affect me to the level that I needed to bother him. That he needed to come and comfort me. Certainly there are REAL issues in life - and someone attacking my integrity and character does not equate me being a person of poor integrity and character. But, sometimes that is hard to feel in the moment. So, I layed there and absorbed his presence and his strength.

The next morning I was faced with a daunting 'to-do' list but was still feeling burdened with the events of the previous day. I talked to a friend who pointed out that Satan will attack those things, such as our integrity, that are important to us. She was right, and if I want to keep evil influences out of my house - I needed to let this go. I got on my knees and prayed. I asked for the evil to leave my home. Then I sat down to read my scriptures, hoping the Lord would be bound to bring me peace from those words. I opened up my Book of Mormon to the book of Alma, 4th chapter and I read. I finished the chapter, feeling better, but needing more. I kept reading. I made it half way through Chapter five before I found the message that was there... just for me... This is what I read:

And now behold, I ask of you.....
Have ye spiritually been born of God?
Have ye received his image in your countenances?
Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?
Do ye exercise faith in the redemption of him who created you?
Do you look forward with an eye of faith, and view this mortal body raised in immortality, and this corruption raised in in-corruption, to stand before God to be judged according to the deeds which have been done in the mortal body?

I say unto you, can you imagine to yourselves that ye hear the voice of the Lord, saying unto you, in that day: Come unto me ye blessed, for behold, your works have been works of righteousness upon the face of the earth...

The tears flowed again, but this time there was gratitude in those tears. For a loving Heavenly Father who reached out... who reminded me WHO I need to be concerned with. Which is Him, my Savior Jesus Christ. If my works are pleasing to Him, despite what others may say, I can press onward with steadfast faith and leave the evil one behind.

DOES IT EVER GET EASIER?

People tell you it will.... but I think the jury is still out as far as I am concerned. In the beginning it was new, there were a lot of adjustments to make... but now... now I feel like: OK enough is enough! I have been doing this too long. I don't want to do it any more. He can come back now!

Maybe you get used to it - so the hurt isn't so raw. But it is still there, it has only changed.

Of course, 5 years ago today I stood at a graveside in the freezing cold watching as they lowered my husband's body into the ground. So surreal. The feelings I had in that very moment so easily and speedily return when I just think for a moment of that day....