DINNER ANYONE? TODAY? TOMORROW?

Sometimes it just hits me. I go and go and go and feel like I am a human energizer bunny sometimes. Well, I suppose I don't really feel that way - but I act that way. Usually because, what choice do I have? There is much to do! But after going and going and going... sometimes out of nowhere, my body betrays me... and will go no more.

That happened to me yesterday. I hate the betrayal. My body should know I would give it rest if I could! I was enveloped in exhaustion and it spilled over to this morning. I was up and getting ready for work this morning looking at the house that was a wreck. It made me feel more exhausted. I headed out for work, promising myself that I would take lunch at the house and clean today.

I got about a mile down the road, when my friend KR called. She was confirming she would be able to get in the house - she was on her way to clean it. She had also made me dinner and would be leaving that in the fridge.

I was overcome with emotion. My whole body felt exhausted. I started to cry. Tears of gratitude mixed with tears of frustration that I wasn't keeping up.

I came home from work to a clean house. I heated some dinner up for myself and the kids, then went about the chores and running of the evening.

Words can not express the gratitude I felt. The blessing it was to me today.

I was then surprised by another visitor later in the evening. A friend that lives an hour away was the least likely person I would expect to show up with dinner for tomorrow. SG is a kind and generous person - but doesn't exactly live in my neighborhood.

As I lay in bed this evening, reflecting on the day... I see the hand of God in my life today. I see the angels He sent on an errand for me. And I am amazed, again, at how He loves and cares for me.

Lesson Manual: How to be a Widow
10. Angels don't show up at your door step everyday. They don't always come and clean your house and make you dinner, but take the time to see they are there. Sometimes they are a phone call at just the right time, or a smile at the grocery store... and sometimes we need to remember that we too need to be angels to others - and that can be just the boost we need.

DOCTOR DOCTOR

I am off to the dentist today. I have been at the dentist every week, sometimes a couple times a week, for the past six or seven weeks. I like the guy and all... he is even my neighbor... but I have seen way too much of him and I would like to take a break.


It is my own fault. I had dental work from seven years ago that I had not taken care of. I couldn't believe it when they told me I hadn't been there since 2003! How did SEVEN years pass without me realizing it? But, thinking about it... 2004 - Diagnosis. 2005 - Death. 2006-2009 - Surviving. 2010 - Trying to thrive. Yes, it HAS been seven years!!

So many years spent in survival mode, and dealing with REAL health issues - my teeth have been largely ignored. So, now I am paying the price. Physically and financially.

Two years ago I realized I had not been to my gynecologist in a while. I called to make an appointment. They requested my name. And then informed me that I was not in their system, so they would need to set me up as a new patient. I petitioned with the sweet lady that she must be mistaken. I have three children. All delivered by doctors in that office. I have been going there for fourteen years.

"When was the last time you were here?"

"Um... well, probably three or four years ago. Things have been pretty crazy here."

"That explains it. After three years of inactivity, we retire records"

"What? My medical history is gone - just like that?? Just because I have not made it there?"

I guess so.

I showed up the day of my appointment, filled out all the 'new patient' paperwork and did the standard wait, wait, wait.

When the doctor walked in (the same doctor that delivered two of my three children), he introduced himself and started in on some "let's get to know my new patient" chat.

I didn't respond. I just looked at him. Squinted my eyes and said, "we have met before".

I think it was a look of relief, and he commented that he thought we had - but where? He could even recount that he knew the town I lived in... but couldn't put the pieces together.

I then proceeded to tell him that he delivered two of my children. I think he was a tad embarrassed then, but also confused, and at the same time remembered who I was and remembered my husband and deliveries. "Why does your chart say you are a new patient?"

"Hey, it's your office, not mine. You tell me."

Lesson Manual: How to be a Widow
9. Don't forget the basics of living. Make your doctor, dentist, mammogram, colonoscopy and any other appointments you should have. Time will go by too quickly and you will have enough other things to worry about, let alone your health if you don't take care of it.

I AM THE FATHER

Father's Day was this past Sunday. Thanks to my on-the-ball brother I got my Dad something. Although, I am really not sure what it was. I just have to send a check. Thanks to my on-the-ball father I even wished him a happy Father's Day. He called to see if I wanted to wish him one. I did.

Here... the mood was crabby. Not intentionally. When the kids got up Sunday morning I asked if they wanted to wish me a happy Father's Day. They replied with a "what for". I reminded them that theses days I play both mother and father... so they needed to remember me on Father's Day and Mother's Day. They rolled their eyes.

I decided to make the kids pancakes for breakfast. I got the batter mixed up and the pan heated up. I started cooking them only to realize we need to leave the house in five minutes or we would be late for church. Where did the time go? I tried to keep cooking the pancakes... but I was making a terrible mess and in reality no one would even have time to eat them. So, I took the pan off the burner and left the burned pancakes on the plate and went to throw on a dress.

There were a couple ladies at church who know that I expect my children to acknowledge me on Father's Day. They were gracious enough to wish me a happy day.

My daughter was in a terrible mood all day. And if for a moment she stopped, my youngest son started. I thought I would loose my mind with all the crabby behavior and bickering. After I sent them to bed, I told them I was going to run out to visit a friend who recently moved into a new home. I had not yet seen the house, despite multiple promises to stop. After I got there, it wasn't long and my son started calling me to tell me to come home. Then when I stopped answering my phone... I started receiving a text message every five seconds from him. There seemed to be no end to the ornery behavior.

Why? Maybe they just hadn't had enough sleep. We had a busy Saturday. But, I wonder on days like that if it is something more. I know over the past few years I have even noticed that in myself. It is subconscious. I don't intend to be crabby - but there is something in the air on certain days. Something that nags at your conscience telling you that things are just not right that day. I wonder if that was the children on Sunday. Just feeling a bit of that void in their lives.

This is something that for me has gotten easier. I am able to be more even-tempered despite the date on the calendar. I am less and less affected. But, sometimes I still sense it is there. Without even consciously thinking about it, it is there...

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
8. Cut yourself and your kids some slack... and be prepared. No matter how much you 'think' you will be fine. There are certain days on the calendar that you can't be fine no matter how hard you try.

I AM NOT AFRAID OF BREAKING A NAIL

Let’s take a poll. How many woman out there (widowed or not) when they’re driving along and their car starts to make a funny noise, so they pull over – only to discover a flat tire – think ‘no problem’? Then you quickly start the process of changing a tire.

How many of you? OK, yes, I know there are plenty of women who are schooled in this – and are perfectly capable. But, do you really WANT to do it? Yes, I am sure there are those of you out there that would even want to – and enjoy it.

We have discussed this before….. I am not cut out for being a widow. This is one of many things I just don’t like to deal with. Don’t get me wrong. I really am not afraid of breaking a nail or getting dirty. I just don’t like the hassle… or the pressure of having to do something right. ‘Cause think of it. If you don’t put the tire on tightly enough… that is just all bad! Too much pressure. Not to mention even just trying to get the tire off. I have inherited WEAK upper body strength. Can’t do it.

AAA was on the list of first things to get after my husband passed. I never worried about that type of thing before – because no matter where I was… I would make a phone call and wait – and my husband would be along to take care of me. Now, I am a proud Premiere member of AAA. I certainly get my money’s worth out of my membership. Aside from having a great AAA lady to help me every time I go to travel (shameless plug for Debbie – if you want to be set up with someone great – let me know… I love her), I also have this handy dandy card that I pull out anytime I have car trouble.

Let me illustrate for you the benefits….

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I am in the car driving to church about 45 minutes from our home with two kids and a dog (why the dog was with us is another story). It is about 9am. I am dressed in heels and a suit. Church is scheduled to begin at 10am and I am on the program to speak. I hear a strange noise and feel the car driving differently. I pull over on the side of the road. I have, of course, taken the back roads to where I was headed… not a soul in sight. I pull out my AAA card, dial the number and request the assistance of changing a flat tire. They inquire as to where I am… thank goodness for GPS – I provide the address.

I make a phone call to the church to let them know I will be late. They assure me it will be no problem – as I am scheduled later in the service. We pull out the movie Black Beauty pop it in the DVD player and begin watching it.

Some time later I see a AAA van pulling up behind me. I couldn’t tell you how long it was – because quite frankly I was perfectly content sitting in the car with my kids watching a movie with them. No stress. No big deal. Within 15 minutes (not kidding) of the AAA guy’s arrival my tire is changed and I am back on the road.

I arrived at church right before the intermediate hymn. During the hymn I walk up and assume my position on the stand. Immediately after the hymn they announce I will be speaking.

I have no dirt on me. My hands are clean. I don’t have a broken heel on my shoe or even a broken nail. My hair looks almost as good as it did when I left and I don’t even have a run in my nylons. I don’t feel the least bit stressed, because quite honestly it was a bit relaxing!

Yes, with some things I have learned to be proactive!

Lesson Manual: How to be a widow:
7. Think of everything you hate to do and sign up for any memberships that will get you out of doing it! i.e. AAA = no changing flat tires, no worries if you run out of gas, and someone else can come jump your battery!

COUPLES

I am trying to adjust... but sometimes it still bothers me. The whole feeling of being the 3rd wheel... or 5th wheel... or whatever number - Me being there makes it an odd number. I suppose 5th is better than 3rd.

To be the 3rd wheel means there are two women and the poor husband doesn't get any company. At least if I am the 5th wheel there are already two men, so I can just chime in with the women in their conversation.

But, it is odd. More than just an odd number, for some reason I feel odd. I guess it is that whole environment of "couples".... and there I am.

Do you know what else has become harder? Having company for dinner. What couple wants to come over for dinner? The poor husband has to engage in conversation with two women or the children. There is no counter-part for 'testosterone based' conversation. Unless I invite TWO couples for dinner... but then you have to make sure they are both solid shows. Because to have a no-show, leaves the one man out. And you have to make sure they are couples whose male counterparts enjoy each other.

I don't like not being a couple some days.

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
6. Be confident in being you. Because now you are not defined by the 'couple' that you are - but only by you and who you are. (This is why as a widow I found myself drawn to the song, "Who I Am". You have to define yourself)

FRIENDS

Steve Harvey said, "It's almost virtually impossible for a man to be a woman's friend. The only reason we're your friend [is because] you've made it perfectly clear it will go no further than this."

So, is it a girl thing? It is really true that men can not be friends with women? Because, you know what would be perfect for a widow? A friend. A guy friend. Someone who you could go out with when your bored... who could fix broken things around the house... someone to talk to and glean the 'male perspective' from. Just a friend.

Sometimes the complications of a relationship, the emotions and the expectations, are just too much to deal with on top of everything else going on in life. But, the simpleness of a good friendship would be so ideal. The question is, if you have that friendship... and it seems to be working... is it only because, as a woman, you are completely naive to the fact that the man is just sitting around waiting for things to change?

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
5. Realize as much as you want a friend, you may not ever find a friend of the male assortment. :) Can men and women really be "just friends"?

GRASS IS GREENER SYNDROME

Sometimes I look at things that happen and think “That never would have happened if I was still at home with the kids”. I don’t want to have The Grass is Greener Syndrome, but sometimes I watch the chaos and wonder how we made it here… In my mind we are law abiding citizens who try to be kind to others and keep our home well kept. In reality… that is not always what is happening. For example:

I called home the other day to discover the police were at my house. YES, I said the police. It appears that my daughter decided to go in her club house with our miniature schnauzer. I suppose I should clarify that the club house is nothing more than a tree. Don’t get me wrong… there is NO structure in the tree, this is just a regular old tree with branches, etc. She likes to go sit in there to get away from the world… and so she thought it would be even better if she could take her four-legged friend with her.

They enjoyed some quiet time together in the tree, and then she attempted to get out of the tree. On her way down (carrying the dog) she slipped. She was able to catch herself without a problem – but in order to do that she had to let go of the dog. The neighbor was watching as the dog seemingly was ‘thrown’ out of the tree. My daughter’s side of the story states that the dog fell a mere two feet down to the snow bank below… and since dogs are related to wolfs, this really was not an issue.

The neighbor felt otherwise and remembered back to the previous week when he saw the children putting the cat on the roof (or my kids say they were getting the cat off the roof), he felt he had seen enough cruelty and called the police to report “cruelty to animals”.

Would I have lost this much control if I wasn’t playing mom and dad all at once?

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
4. Accept the fact early on that you aren't going to be as effective playing mom and dad as you were when you were just playing mom. Things will happen.

PATIENCE

If widowhood does something for you, it helps you see clearly every weakness you have. I can no longer allow my husband to stand strong in the areas I was weak in – I must stand there as well. I must stand in the wide open realization that I am not good at what I am doing.

In his book How To Succeed With People, Stephen R. Covey says, “Patience accepts the reality of life that in all things there is a process, a step one, step two, step three process that cannot be ignored or bypassed.”

The very act of healing requires patience. The process was and is so up and down. There are good days and on those good days you wish that you were there. That you have made it. That you are done! But, the next day you may wake up and find it is a bad day. You aren’t done yet. There is still more pain to feel. Sometimes I just want to say, ENOUGH. No more pain, no more bad days.

I have learned patience in this process. I have seen there is a step one and then two. I can not ignore it or bypass it. I must embrace it. On the days that are my good days… I look for ways to enrich my life so I can thrive. On bad days I allow myself to feel the emotions. To honor them. To know that today is just a day that I can crawl into bed and feel miserable for whatever amount of time is possible. I don’t ignore it and try to press forward. I feel it, and press forward. It is a step and I can not skip it.

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
3. Be patient with the development of patience. It will come. Have faith in your own unseen potential.

THE TALENTED CHILDREN

For any new 'widows' out there please note #2 in...

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
2. Learn to forgive because there will be many, even your closest friends, who will behave badly. People will say things that hurt your feelings. They will judge you. As a widow, you don't need the baggage. It gets far too heavy to carry. You have to let go or it could drown you.

My oldest just struggled. He was in the fourth grade when his father passed. In the fifth grade we moved to a new school as a result of my selling our home. For the other two children, there were many things about this school that were better for them. But, the oldest brought out all the bad in this school district.

By the end of fifth grade, he had many "F's" as a result of his 'checking out'. I felt that he needed to be fed. He needed a boost to his spirits. His F's were not a result of mental know how - they were emotionally based. We could not expect his grades to rise simply by imposing additional consequences on him. We needed to lift him out of the hole he was sitting in.

That spring the college was putting on a production of The Wizard of Oz. I had inquired if they might need some young talent, but was informed it was already being taken care of. I discovered many of the children in my son's school were participating in the play. About a month before the production I was contacted by the director. They needed another child - so Christopher was invited to audition. He was awarded the role of a 'flying combat monkey' and a 'munchkin'. The director asked that he join the practices with the other 'munchkins' on Friday mornings before school. The practice was held at the school and ended 10 minutes after school began.

I informed Christopher's teacher and principal that he would be participating, therefore he would be a few minutes late on Friday morning. They let me know his grades were not such that they felt this was wise. I let them know 10 minutes on a Friday morning would not make the difference between "F's" and "A's". In response, I was curtly told that ONLY THE TALENTED CHILDREN were allowed to participate in this production, and HE WAS NOT AMONG THE TALENTED CHILDREN. yeah. those are fighting words.

This is one battle I won! :) And, If I do say so myself, I have never seen such an adorable flying monkey beating the lion up!!

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY FIRST CLUE

This post is not intended for those with a weak stomach...

I have met some strong and independent women in my life that I am certain would make better widows than I do. I suppose that could be part of the reason this lot was given to me... I had a lot to learn from it.

My first clue that surviving widowhood would not come easy to me should have have been when my husband was in the hospital. I struggled making it three weeks. The day before my husband went in for surgery I decided to clean out the fridge. I knew I would not be home cooking very much for the next couple weeks - so it seemed to make sense to me to throw out anything that would not still be good in two weeks. Among the things I threw in the garbage that day was some raw perch. My husband had caught and prepared the fish, but he was seriously lacking in appetite - so he had not eaten it. I tossed the raw fish in the garbage.

My husband and I had to be at the hospital by 6am Monday morning. We arrived and he was prepped and the surgery began shortly after. I sat in the hospital room all day. Waiting... just waiting for the doctor to come out with any updates. They were occasional and slow. But every report was positive - things were going well. There were larger and more numerous tumors than what they had anticipated, so the surgery was slow going, but they were making progress. I think it was around 4:30 or 5:30 Tuesday morning when they came out to tell me the surgery was complete. Chris was sleeping and would be for some time - so it was advised that if I wanted to go home, now would be the best time. I went into see him and spent a short while with him, just watching him sleep - then I headed home to change my clothes and get ready for the day.

I arrived home around 7:30 or 8:00 and the furthest thing from my mind was putting the garbage out on the curb. As I have shared before, that wasn't even typically one of my chores. I took a shower and returned to the hospital.

It was September, but the temperature was still warm and the weather was beautiful that week, which served to be a blessing with all the driving I was doing. Saturday evening I was home taking care of a few things and went to take the week's garbage out. It was dark, but as I lifted the lid to place my garbage inside, I noticed something was dripping off the lid. I returned to the house to turn on the outside light and get a flash light, as I could not imagine why there was something in the garbage can that would be dripping. The sight I saw, I will describe... but stop reading now unless you have a tough stomach. There were thousands of maggots... literally overspilling the sides of the garbage can and falling to the pavement. Upon moving the garbage can, I discovered a mound of maggots a couple inches thick laying on the ground. I had no idea what to do. So, I called my husband's fishing friend. I explained my situation and let him know I did not need his physical help - I just needed to know how you go about getting rid of them. I had tried bug sprays, but this did not seem to do anything. I tried pouring water on them in hopes of drowning them, this made them scatter and they started climbing the brick exterior of my home. I didn't know what else to do.

He said he would be right over. I again assured him I would handle it... I just didn't know what to do. He said he would be right over. We worked together trying to destroy the thousands of maggots. It appears 'frying' them with a blowtorch is very effective.

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
1. Realize that raw fish will quickly turn to thousands of maggots if left outside in hot weather for more than one week. If this most inconvenient situation should happen - a blowtorch would be the easiest solution for ridding your patio of maggots.