SEVEN YEARS

I was messing around a bit online yesterday and came across a blog of a recent widow.  In the part I read she spoke of her loneliness.  I could so relate to what she was sharing.  I remember that feeling that she described and I remember having those emotions.  I am glad I read it - because in so doing I saw how far I have come.  How that is starting to feel like a memory.  It is no longer a part of my life.  I can't say for sure when the switch flipped for me... perhaps a little over a year ago.  My poor girlfriend who is recently divorced just looks at what a slow healer I have been and always says "I hope I don't have to wait that long".  I think my 'waiting' so long was due in large part to my way of grieving... put it all in a box and when there was a spare second... deal with it.  I somehow was very good at not having free seconds.  I think it was when my oldest was living with his uncle... life really slowed down and cleared out.  The clouds parted and I could start to see what was left in that box to deal with.  Today life is filled with challenges beyond grieving.  Mostly I deal with challenges associated with single parenting. 

My oldest turned sixteen today.  Sixteen!!  Sixteen is nothing like the nine year old he was when his father passed... It seems like a world a way. He is a young man.... looking forward to driving and talking all kind of car talk that has me glazing over.

Seven years ago today Chris was diagnosed with cancer.  The funny thing is... I hardly gave it a second thought today.  Seven years. 

I do believe the blog has been very therapeutic... I have captured the embers from the journey and in so doing I have left the ashes and shut some doors.  Life is not all easy street now... and sometimes when it feels hard I wish Chris was here to take care of it all. But, life is good.  Really really good.  So, for all the newer widows out there hold on to that.   I love my life.  As a whole I really do. 

Happy Sweet Sixteen my son.. I love you, I do.

PUT YOUR TRUST IN GOD

It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is.
It all works out. Don’t worry.
I say that to myself every morning.
It will all work out.
Put your trust in God,
and move forward with faith
and confidence in the future.
The Lord will not forsake us.
He will not forsake us.
If we will put our trust in Him,
if we will pray to Him,
if we will live worthy of His blessings,
He will hear our prayers.
- Gordon B. Hinckley

HIGH SCHOOL

My daughter (the middle child) came home from school today and asked if I would help her with her schedule for next year... her HIGH SCHOOL schedule. As I sat listening to her tell me what was and wasn't working and what questions she had, I just kept thinking how small and young she seemed to me. High School? Really? In less than six months. And as I sat there thinking that... I realized how far away we are from what we were when Chris was here.

TRYING TO CLIMB TO THE TOP

I can't believe I have been unemployed for ten weeks now. I have rested some. In fact this morning I went back to bed after I got the kids off. It was a busy weekend and I just felt the need for a tad bit extra rest. Of course I laid there thinking of what else I have to accomplish. I have cleaned out the basement (just need to paint the walls), cleaned out the attic, the closets, my bedroom that collects all.... but there is some painting and a garage and lawn that are still calling my name (of course it will have to stop snowing and raining for me to get out in the lawn).

It feels really good. Physically it changes the way I feel, having taken the time to get my life in order. I am not there yet, but I am surprised at the physical change it has brought on me. It gives me more energy and life. I feel less trodden down. I want to catch up my personal journal on the events of the past year or so, I need to reach out to a couple friends I have not seen, I need to make it to the temple this month, and I want to start working on some family heritage activities (namely trying to see if I have any pictures of the children from the past ten years that I should organize).

Oh... and I need to find a job. :) I think Hollywood is calling... gotta run.

I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT

The amount of healing that has taken place over the last year plus is huge. The cloud is gone, that once was a constant. The time I have had these past couple months not working... but just cleaning up my life... have been a tremendous blessing - but there is more to do.

I need to THRIVE. I need to LIVE my life in such a way that I can look at it and know I am doing my best. I need to break out of the patterns and behaviors I have adopted in my attempt to survive... and I need to return to THRIVING. My friend "S" is going to help me do it. Actually, we are going to help each other do it. She is not a widow.. but many of us for all sorts of different reasons find ourselves simply surviving in life and forget that we should be thriving.

We have six areas of focus: Spiritual, Emotional and Physical health, relationships, work (home or me actually finding a job again... I do need to do that), FUN, and service.

I am looking forward to our adventure together. I will write about it some through the process. I encourage you to join us. Take stock. How is your life? Are you thriving?? :)

MOURNING YEARS GONE BY

As I sat in church yesterday, a young family got up to perform a special musical number. The father was on the piano and the mother stood with the children. As I was watching them I was so touched by the sweetness and completeness of this little family. I looked at the three oldest. 9, 7, 5. I was suddenly overcome with feelings of grief. Grieving the years that have passed. Those innocent and precious children were the age my children were when their father passed. So young, so sweet. So wonderful to see this family - we were once a sweet little family as well. The tears started and wouldn't stop. I started getting strange glances from my children. The tears just kept coming and coming. Long after the musical number was over, I was still crying. I felt like I was holding back... allowing the tears but blocking the sobbing that so wanted to come out. I contemplated making a run for the bathroom but felt like I was already making a spectacle of myself and thought that may just exaggerate that. So, I sat and let the tears continue to fall.

I can't say for sure what brought it on - but I can say that the topic of "mourning the years gone by" has been heavy on my heart lately. In moments of frustration the kids have retaliated at me with 'facts from the past' concerning my bad parenting behavior. It has left me reflecting on years I don't care to think about again. Years that I can't re-do. Years that have been wasted. Or so it seems.

The question is really... what would / could I have done differently. My 'bad parenting' is a reflection of trying to be a parent to children who were reacting with anger to their father's death, while trying to grieve the loss of my husband. My patience was short. I was trying to process through my own grief and that left little brain capacity for disobedient children. I was quick to yell, to lose my patience. I was incapable of of doing it.... well. I became this crazy mother that was nothing like I had once been. I look back and wonder what could have changed things. How could I have maintained the happiness and love in that little family and just continued on? Perhaps there is another widow out there that has considered this more or been more successful that could share some tips. For me... I need to forgive myself. I need to let go of the thoughts that they have been years wasted and I need to make the most of the years I now have.

THE GRAVE HATH NO VICTORY

The grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.
Mosiah 16:8