HAPPILY EVER AFTER

This is the part in the story, that if it was a fairy tale, I would say that we lived happily ever after.

Happily ever after will come... but that is what the next life is for. This life is for testing. For learning. For growing.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, when speaking about stories that end with 'happily ever after', "In each of these stories, Cinderella, Belle, and the miller’s daughter have to experience sadness and trial before they can reach their 'happily ever after."

That is where most of us are in our story. We are somewhere in the middle. There is joy to be found in the journey - but 'happily ever after' when there will be no more sadness is a blessing to be reaped later.

For here and for now...

"Your own wondrous story has already begun. Your 'once upon a time' is now."

THE WEDDING

Seven weeks passed quickly with many things to accomplish in a short time frame. Our wedding was intentionally small. Forty guests. I didn't have any pre-wedding gitters. I was just excited, and happy.

The day went off without a hitch. No drama or craziness. Funny to think of that now. Drama and craziness have become so common place, it is funny to think it was so simple. So perfect.

SETTING A DATE

We discussed a date for our wedding the next day. We tossed around a few ideas... but the more our dates started to get pushed out, the more we realized there was no point in waiting. We set our wedding date for seven weeks away.

I was hopelessly in love. I was in awe of how I had been blessed with everything I wanted in a husband. He made me a better person, made me feel better about who I was. The phrase "I love you" did not feel to convey my true feelings for him. I felt it was more. It was deeper and more passionate than just, I love you. I would say "I love you" and ache to be able to say more. But those were the only words I knew.

As much as I was in love, I was also aware of what very different people he and I were. I knew we would have to work to make it work. But, I felt that our marriage would be something to cherish and something that was worth working for.

THE PROPOSAL

Chris invited me to go to Niagara Falls with him on Saturday. I could tell something was up... perhaps just a gut feeling... but I was guessing Chris was going to propose. Now, this is one subject Chris and I did talk about later.. and I guess that even though I was sure this was the day.. In reality, Chris was not sure. He was going to play it by ear and see if the opportunity presented itself.

We spent the day enjoying the falls, walking around, riding the Maid of the Mist and by dinner time were feeling pretty tired. We walked back to where the car was parked, and I knew it was coming. I suppose I knew before Chris knew he was going to do it! We grabbed a picnic lunch Chris had packed as well as a blanket and spread out on the lawn to enjoy the beautiful day. We enjoyed our picnic and continued resting on the blanket enjoying each other and the sun.

Chris then asked me if I had gotten sick of him yet. I assured him I had not, nor would I ever. Then reciprocated his question by asking if he was getting sick of me. He replied by telling me he was getting sick of some things... such as the long drive home late at night after he comes to see me. He asked what I thought we should do about this. To which I turned the question back to him. And he simply replied, "I think you should just marry me." Just as simply I said Okay.

There I sat, grinning from ear to ear... I couldn't help it. Chris looked at me after a little bit and let me know he was serious. He was not kidding. I told him I knew. There we sat in silence for a bit until Chris jumped up, looked at me and said, "So, will ya? Will ya marry me?" and I replied with a "yes, yes, yes". He then handed me a ring in a brown velvet box. At this point I felt we needed a little bit of the classic, expected behavior. He needed to open the box and put it on my finger. I was not about to do that myself. So, I just sat there holding the box. And we began to talk of other things. He then took the box from me, set it down and again, we continued to talk. Finally, he took the ring from the box and put it on my finger.

I felt it was perfect. The perfect proposal for us... for how and who we were.

THREE MORE DAYS LATER

I am engaged. But, I am also exhausted - so details will come later.

FOUR DAYS LATER

I have a feeling Chris is going to ask me to marry him this weekend. I may be totally off.. but something is up.

TWO DAYS LATER

Everything is perfect.

Everything is wonderful.

COMING HOME

I came home from vacation... it had been too long since I had seen Chris, which put me on edge. Emotionally really needing a lot of love and attention - but the reality of life also facing me. Work, etc.

I saw him the night I got home - but our families were together and so one-on-one attention was not there. I had been sick, and that on top of feeling a little emotionally drained put me in a quiet mood. I didn't talk to him too much that evening. Just watched the evening unfold. Enjoyed his presence, but needed more.

A couple days passed... he didn't call. Why? (Thinking back, I wish he was available to ask that question to). I finally called him. He was not in a good mood when I called. He was frustrated with some of the happenings from our last encounter. Little things that seemed meaningless to me, but were serious to him. I didn't want this type of phone call. I needed to feel better about us, not worse. I got off the phone feeling depressed and upset. I just needed to be able to sit and talk to him. We had been talking just on the phone for too long. I was frustrated. I cried. He was upsetting me. I was upsetting him. He was confusing me. I was confusing him.

And in that moment, I just craved to know how he felt about me.

A BREAK

A few weeks later I was leaving for a family vacation. I was hesitant to go, as I dreaded not seeing Chris for 11 days.

Once gone, I felt it was one of the best things for our relationship - to just get out of my environment. I was living with daily support from everyone that knew Chris and I. They were all 'pro' the relationship... you could almost see how it would be easy to get pushed into it. It was good to change environments and visit my sisters who must have thought I was crazy and were striving to set me up with different people.

It put it all in perspective for me. I really had no desire for them to set me up. I just wanted Chris. It felt good to know I felt that not only in an environment where that feeling was encouraged, but also when it was discouraged.

I loved him.

HERE I AM.... WHERE IS HE?

Once I let go, it was all very clear. I was madly in love with this guy and wanted nothing else than to be with him always. I loved to spend time with him, to watch him to look at him and I loved to talk to him.


I knew I was young to be considering marriage, but I knew Chris was everything I would ever want and had ever dreamed of in a husband. Why would I wait, just because I was young? I knew there would be many that would not approve, but that did not concern me. I knew, for me, this was it.

Every time I saw him I seemed to fall more in love with him.

I was ready.... and waiting... and waiting...

Then it occurred to me that although we talked about marriage, it was usually because I brought it up. Was it possible that he did not see us on that path?

CAN I TELL HIM?

I struggled for another couple weeks, falling more in love - but finding myself unable and too afraid to open my mouth and tell him how I felt. I finally decided I had to let him know, even if I couldn't tell him face-to-face. I wrote him a letter. I felt a bit like a chicken, but was really just glad he knew. That I had finally communicated to him how I was feeling. I told him I was scared, I told him there was a part of me that was very hesitant to be here, I told him that bit by bit these fears had left and that my fear of the future had disappeared. I told him how happy I was and how much I enjoy spending time with him and I told him I loved him.

PROGRESS

The 10th

Chris is wonderful, I've never been treated so well and been so happy.

The 19th

Out of nowhere, I have a desire to go to school far away and date a bunch of different people... and have fun. But, Chris is the best! I've never had such a wonderful friend.

The 23rd

I'm really starting to fall for him. In a way it kinda scares me, but in another way it's wonderful.

The 1st

He said he liked who he was with, he liked what he was doing, and he said he thinks he's falling in love. Then he kissed me and said, "no, make that past-tense". I couldn't say it back because I just didn't know.

The 4th

I miss Chris. I wonder if I have crossed his mind since he left (he was at his brother's wedding).

The 13th

I was looking at pictures from his brother's wedding and as I looked at them I couldn't help but hope that would be Chris and I. I really think I am in love with him, but sometimes it is so hard to tell because I have always had a love for him. Discerning between the two is difficult. I love seeing him, I love being with him, I love his touch - his kiss and I always dread saying goodbye. I have not let him know how much I care and how I feel. I wish I was better about letting him know how I feel.

The 20th

I'm kinda scared. I've totally fallen in love with Chris and I'm so afraid something is going to go wrong. That somehow I'm going to screw things up. He is so wonderful, but I have never told him how I feel... he doesn't know I love him. I wish I would tell him. I think about it, but never say it. I don't ever want to lose him.

WHAT IF

I had never been so unsure of how I felt about someone. I would be lying to say I didn't enjoy the Saturday we had spent... and how it had ended. Void, of course, from all the craziness in my head.

The days following were busy, and when night came I found sleep did not come easily. Just a few hours a night, if I was lucky. Chris had called the day after and left a message, but I had not had the opportunity to return his call. I finally couldn't take any more sleepless nights, so I called him late one evening. He was just walking in the door and asked if he could call me back in a few minutes. I agreed. And he did. We talked for about half an hour and arranged that he would pick me up from work on Saturday. I was excited to see him. I was starting to feel that maybe a relationship like "this" with Chris would be good.

The next day a card came in the mail from Chris. It simply said "Next to me, there will always be a place for you." He wrote a thank you for our time on Saturday and put the ball in my court regarding what was next.

I spent a lot of time thinking about that. There was, surprisingly, this part of me that wanted to pursue it... but that part of me was also sitting in fear knowing that Chris was at a stage in his life where marriage was what he was looking for. I knew I loved this guy and that he was my best friend, and that we could have a lot of fun together... but marriage. I was young. I was not looking to get married. Not that dating him meant I had to marry him... but when you know him as well as I do, what could we 'break-up' over? And if we don't 'break-up' and if Chris is at the stage in life to get married, and if my only reason for not getting married is because I am young... what will happen?

I felt like making the decision to pursue this was like making the decision that I would marry him. I rolled this over again and again in my mind... trying to come to terms with the thought of me getting married in the next year or so. Could I do that? Chris was my best friend. I had good girlfriends, but there was no one that I could be so relaxed and comfortable with and just be me. What if dating him messed that up? I cherished our friendship and didn't want to risk losing that.

THE WEDDING - I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK

No, I didn't skip ahead in the story... It just so happens that it all started to change at a wedding.

I wrote in my diary the day after "Yesterday (Saturday) was one of the most confusing days of my life... Let me explain: Chris picked me up around 11:30 - things were normal. The wedding was at 2:00 - things were different. I didn't know what or how, I could just tell they were different."

The wedding was my first Catholic experience. Up, down, up, down. When I was down, in my youthful ways, I was playing with the little clip that holds something on the back of the pew. Do you know what I am talking about? Well, I was messing with it until I accidentally let it slip and the church was very quiet until that snap echoed throughout. I, of course, nonchalantly looked around the room wondering who was so rude to be making noise like that during the ceremony. Up, down, up, down. When I was up, Chris would put his hand on my waist. What was that? odd. But, I liked it. It felt good. I squeezed his hand with my elbow. Who would have known that a little squeeze like that was all Chris needed?

When the wedding was over we started to walk out of the church and he took my hand. OK, I am young and often in youth you can over-react to any physical touch. This can be totally justified. He is just trying to lead me around and not lose me in a crowd of people, right? Just to be safe, I sat on my hands when we got in the car.

Aladdin at the movie theatre was next on our list. OK. Now there is no justifying physical touch in the movie theater. I am sitting next to him. Unless he just wanted to reach over and make sure I was still there. But, then you just have to reach out and poke... not keep touching. What was he doing? Diary entry: "I finally had to admit something??? was going on. I was scared to death???? I don't know why, but it just kept going through my mind how scared I was."

The remainder of the day, I tried to keep my physical distance. I couldn't take this. My mind was spinning. Luckily, I had to be home by midnight - so we eventually headed that direction. "All the way home I kept thinking about all of it - but I didn't know what to think. I had never thought about this happening - so I didn't know WHAT I thought of it all. When we got closer to my home he said, 'What do you think of this?' I, of course, had NO idea. We talked for a short while about it, then the subject changed. We drove around for a little. We got to my house around 11:45. I came inside about 12:45. We sat outside in his car just talking about all of this. We didn't really decide on anything 'cause I didn't know what to think - but he kissed me a few times, so I really don't know what to think."

MY FRIEND

Through the next nine months, I had multiple opportunities to see Chris and talk with him. He became my best friend. I found that I could be relaxed and honest and real with him, like no one else. I looked forward to the opportunities to just sit and talk with him for hours.

One day he had come to our house and we were talking. Somehow the subject came up of what kind of guy I wanted. I told him that I wanted someone that from the moment I met them I was swept away. That it was love at first sight. I specifically told him I had no interest in some guy that I knew... that I was friends with... and some relationship developing from that.

No. I wanted passion. I wanted to feel it from the moment I met the person. I wanted to see them for who they were and be instantly drawn to them. Emotionally, spiritually, physically... just lured.

I thought it sounded dreamy. And I figured some day it would happen.

Chris listened. Then asked me if I wanted to accompany him to a wedding. More than asked, he begged (OK there is the advantage to getting only one side of the story.. he is not here to disagree with me saying he begged). He had to go to the wedding, but was looking for someone to endure the experience with him. I gave him a look of "you have got to be kidding me, that is the last way I want to spend a Saturday"... then promised that if I had absolutely nothing to do, and he promised we would do something fun after the wedding, I would go. I told him to call me the week prior.. to see if I had found SOMETHING to put on my social calendar that would interfere with the wedding plan.

In my life of nothing social, I had failed to come up with an activity. So, I agreed to accompany him to the wedding.

THE FIX-UP

After knowing Chris for about a year, I loved him. Don't read that wrong. I was not IN love. But, I did love him. He was someone I wanted to have in my life always. Perhaps I could envision just being good friends with he and his wife someday.

Of course, for that to happen, I would need to make sure he married someone I liked. In fact, if I could pick her out for him it would be even better. The summer of '92 it occurred to me that a perfect person to 'fix him up' with would be my sister. She was away at college but would be home for a couple weeks and it seemed like the perfect opportunity. Arrangements were made for the two to venture out on a blind date.

I anxiously awaited the results of the evening and was thrilled to discover it had gone very well. So well in fact, that their next encounter had been arranged. My sister was only going to be home for two weeks, so they did not waste time. I think they saw each other every day that she was home.

The time quickly came though, for her to return to her job in her college town. When she returned, he was quick to send roses with an invitation for her to return home soon so he could see her.

She accepted that invitation, coming home about a month later for another two weeks. Again, every day was spent together and I was even fortunate enough to get a closer view of how this relationship was panning out when I was invited to join them on a date along with Chris' brother. We went putt-putt golfing. The two seemed to get along very well. I was hopeful.

Again, the time quickly passed and my sister was headed back to her college town. Chris' brother lived in the same town and he sent him some money with a request to send my sister some flowers again. Unfortunately, his brother was a bit busy and accidentally looked over that request. I am not certain if flowers would have made all the difference or not... but the romance faded. It was just too difficult to keep up the long distance thing.

I was disappointed, as was my mother. She too admired Chris and would have liked to have seen her daughter end up with him.

GETTING TO KNOW HIM

Our church would have regular youth activities for our region, and every time we did Chris was there, as his mother was in charge of them and he would come to help her with whatever she needed.

Many of the girls were taken with him. He was cute and charming. I thought it was a little weird. Honestly. There was never one thought in my mind in the direction of having any sort of crush on him.

I remember one activity we were all seated for a nice dinner. Everyone was dressed up in their semi-formal wear as a dance was to follow dinner. I don't remember for sure what was for dinner, but I think it was lasagna. Chris was going around filling every one's water cup. I was watching this one particular table that was not hiding the fact that they were enjoying his presence as they would quickly drink all their water, then call out, "Water Boy" in order to lure him back over. I found it quite comical.

For over a year, this was the typical circumstances under which I saw and got to know Chris. He was kind, and likable and always seemed to give attention to the one who needed it. He became my friend. I would put on my three-inch heals.. and tower over him and make short jokes. He was funny and charismatic.

FIRST ENCOUNTER

Perhaps I should have mentioned that I knew Chris' parents before I knew him. I suppose that would have helped a little. His parents lived about an hour from me. Our mothers served together in an organization through church.

When I was gone that summer, Chris had come home for a bit. My older sister, who was at home that summer, met him. She told me he was a cutie. I think I looked at her like she was crazy - because he was a little old to be 'checking out'.

In October, he had traveled with his mother to church at our congregation. His mother had an early meeting before church, as did mine. I was sitting in the foyer. My sister had anticipated that Chris would be there -but we did not see him when we arrived. After my sister had long since fallen asleep in the chair in the foyer area with mouth wide open, I was lazily laying back also trying to catch some rest that I had been deprived due to this early morning meeting. As I was laying there, I saw someone walk in to the restroom. It was a guy, probably in his twenties. I realized that was probably Chris. Given that I knew my sister thought he was cute, giggling internally, I jumped and woke my sister up in a frenzy, telling her that he was here! I startled her awake, she ran to the bathroom to check her hair, and I settled back in laughing to myself.

As I was sitting there enjoying my little prank of sorts, Chris walked out. I wish I could remember our exchange in that moment, but I don't. Probably because for me that was not a significant moment. He was a guy. Cute, yes. But, short. I'm tall. And he was old. Certainly not someone I would even be looking at in such a way.

SHE SAID

There are two sides to every story. One of the disadvantages (and sometimes advantages) to being widowed is that you only get one side. Sure, I can blame many things on him, as he is not here to defend himself... but in moments like these when I am preparing to tell a story... I wish I had his side as well.

It was 1991. I think. If I am wrong... will my mother-in-law please tell me? That is the year that Chris' father passed away from injuries sustained in an industrial accident at work. Chris was living about 20 hours away at the time, but was essentially unattached in life. He wasn't involved in any relationship or job that tied him to where he was, and I believe due to concern over his mother, he decided to move back to his hometown.

I was not home the summer that Chris' father passed. I had decided to spend that summer living with my sister. Three of my sisters actually were living in that area and although I was technically staying with one, I spent quite a bit of time with all of them.

My oldest sister was pregnant that summer... with what would be my first nephew. I remember getting the news about my mother-in-law-to-be's husband. After I received the news I was walking around my sister's neighborhood and my mind was spinning. I kept thinking how strange it was that he was gone. Just like that. So quickly. Never could I have imagined that THAT event would begin the ball rolling to set the stage for my life.

Chris' father passed in June. By October he had moved back home.

BRAG

Elder F. Burton Howard of the Seventy said, "“If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.”

Think about that. Do you have something that is precious to you? A family heirloom, a set of china or silver, something you collect, or worked hard to save to obtain? How do you treat that? How do you treat your spouse?

As the saying goes... you don't know what you got, 'till its gone... I would not agree completely with that, as I knew what I had. But I do wonder if I treated it as carefully as I should have. I know when I look around me or listen to people talking about their spouses, it is too often that I cringe. Too often that I want to say... "What would you do if they were taken from you tomorrow? Would you regret the words you speak?"

If you think back to the day you got married, how did you feel about that person standing beside you? If through the regular trials that come in time, you have in any way grown more distant, rather than closer... I want you to know that you have lost your perspective. You have something that could be wonderful right before you - but are you choosing to make it wonderful or are you choosing to let it go the way of the wind?

I was with a couple friends on Sunday, both of whom are divorced. Both of whom miss the companionship and have a desire to be married. Marriage is good. We can make it great, so why do so many people take advantage of the gift that they have and choose to be selfish? Choose to think more of their own happiness, than the happiness of their spouse. Don't they understand that by seeking another's happiness, they will find their own and will find joy in their marriage?

A wise friend once told me the secret to a strong marriage is to BRAG.

B - Believe that it will last. Don't think like the world.. that divorce is always an option. Believe in marriage.
R - Respect. Show respect always. Never speak negative about your spouse
A - Affection. Always... hold hands, touch each other tenderly
G - Gratitude. Be grateful for what they do. Even if at first you have to look hard for something - find those things and let them know you are grateful. More will come in time.

Chris loved me. Truly cared about me and desired for me to develop my talents and pursue my interests. It was often not convenient for him, in fact often inconvenient – but he was always willing to find a way. He made sure my needs were taken care of and thought about what those needs were before I ever voiced them. He believed in me, and he inspired me to know more and be stronger.

As a widow, I miss my marriage. I miss the physical and emotional support my husband was to me. And this is IN ADDITION to missing the man. I guess for me the way I try to make up for this is to try and provide opportunities for others to "go out" to have regular "date nights". Call me... I will babysit. Drop the kids off. It really does bring me joy to know I may be helping another couple fall more in love. That another couple is having the opportunity to enjoy each other. Time is precious. Don't waste it.