SOMEONE IS GOING TO H***

Can you believe I made that my title? It is harsh, isn't it? And, it probably isn't even true... But SOMEONE... SOMEONE is going to realize what they did someday and pay the price of the sorrow they caused.

Chris loved trees. I am not sure why he had such a proclivity for the green things, but he did. He used to buy baby trees every spring and plant them. When I was mowing the lawn, in my careless ways, I would occasionally run over one. Sometimes I would analyze the scene and consider if I should take out a couple more - and then perhaps Chris would not even realize there was one missing. He would maybe just forget that row was there all together.

Unfortunately for me, that was not the case. He knew every tree he had. You would have thought they were like his pets. He cared for each of them.

One year Chris planted a few fruit trees, including a peach tree, along the border of our property. The following year, was the year Chris was very ill. It was so surprising that there were FIVE peaches growing on that tree. Usually fruit trees take much longer to bear fruit... but there were FIVE peaches. Chris would sit in his blue recliner every day recovering from surgery. He wasn't able to eat much at that time, but he would admire those peaches and was bound and determined that when they were ripe, he would eat them.

Every day, he would check on them. His body was struggling with recovery, and eating was difficult, but he maintained his position that he would eat those peaches.

One day he looked out the window to check on them. They were gone. All five. Gone. Someone had picked them. They took his peaches. He was so sad. He had spent so long looking forward to them being ripe, they were just about there, and someone took them. I felt so badly for him. It was his opportunity to enjoy the literal fruits of his labor, and his last opportunity.

I was in my old neighborhood today. My neighbor was out walking his dog. I gave him a hug and petted the dogs. I smiled with the memories of my kids laying on the neighbor's back yard letting the dogs lick their face. They had so much fun with those dogs. The new owner to the house was out painting the trim. I said hello and complimented the work he has done in keeping the place looking nice. I asked about the peaches. Did they ever get any? Never. I think even the tree was heartbroken that day his peaches were stolen. I just envision this tree working so hard to provide FIVE peaches to his loving owner... only to have them stolen. Now, the tree produces none.

THE TRUTH

Yes, I committed that this blog would be a priority this year.

Yes, I have learned that I can write this blog on the 30th - but post it here as if I actually did it five days ago (such a handy thing I wish I could do to real life).

Yes, I am falling behind lately.

But, NO, I will no longer feel obligated to catch up when I fall behind.

I can't take the pressure.

Listen people, life is crazy busy. I am working full-time, am a single mom to three beautiful children, have a house that needs to be cleaned every now and then, and this really cute guy that I prefer to offer some attention to on occasion.

I have to let things drop sometimes... 'cause the reality of life is... I am so far from perfect! So, that's the truth. Can I stop the charades now?

LESSONS FOR LIVING TODAY

I jotted a few notes down in church today that I felt specifically applied to me.

"When we are running for our lives it is difficult to hear the spirit." A good reminder to me that I need to slow down, that I need to find moments of peace and calm so I can feel the spirit and allow the Lord to direct my path.

"If you are not happy with what you are doing, repent and do it better." We are responsible for our attitude, for how we face our trials. We choose wether to make life a triumph or a tragedy.

JOY IN OUR JOURNEY

My oldest has taken up MMA (mixed martial arts) since arriving back home in June. I have noticed he is more dedicated and committed to practice than I have ever seen him before.

I am proud of him. He is keeping a very busy schedule, in fact I sometimes don't feel I get to see him too much except to say goodnight... But, through it all he is effectively managing his time on his own. He gets himself to and from practices, has taken up being a teacher's assistant for the little kids and makes sure he is where he needs to be and also completing his homework.

His first kickboxing match was tonight. My boys are growing up. They are healing. We are finding joy in our journey once again.

A BASKET OF GRAPES

A dozen of corn and a basket of grapes.

It doesn't take much to lift my spirits at the end of a long week.

I still stand in awe that my Father in Heaven continues to send others to nourish me both physically and spiritually.

And to turn the tables, I am grateful others think to ask me to serve. I need those opportunities in my life to lift the burden of another.

LATCHKEY KIDS

I have latchkey kids. Studies show that breeds behavioral problems, low self-esteem and depression. On the upside, it can also result in independence and self-reliance.

Today my daughter didn’t ride the bus home. I guess something about being a teenager, meant she needed to really start acting like one. Unfortunately, this was not information I was aware of when the bus came and left without depositing her, as I am not home to witness such things. I found out when she called and informed me that she was at a friend’s house. She and her girlfriend had decided to walk home from school and had stopped at another friend’s house to use the bathroom and phone home. At least they phoned home. My reaction to the situation was to tell her to go home. We talked about it later and I told her the answer will always be to go home. I don’t like them out and about when I am at work. I feel this complete lack of control, and an exaggerated sense of concern. My daughter felt that being away from her brothers was actually safer for her, as they are always close to burning the house down.

She didn’t take my petition for her to always come home well. I tried to explain my position to which she responded that it was not her fault her dad died, so why is she punished for it? To which I replied, it is not my fault he died, but I am punished in terms of having to be away at work rather than home with you. It is life. It is what happened.

How do I keep the negative latchkey effects from affecting my children? Am I wrong to make them sit home in a house with no parents for hours after school, rather than let them be with their friends? I don’t know the answer…

CHRIS, ARE YOU HERE?

I woke up this morning and everything in my world was different. I was facing the daunting reality that two of my three kids are now teenagers. How did that happen?



I know time goes quickly, too quickly sometimes. It was just strange to realize I am facing the most difficult and critical years without Chris. It just seemed a little unfair. Don't get me wrong, I don't question God. I know He is much wiser than I, and that He will compensate in these kid's lives for what they are missing... but some days I think of what they are missing and I feel a little sad for them. I still have the ability to call my dad and talk, and get wise advice when I need it.

When I finally crawled out of bed this morning, I walked into the kitchen. Chris' leather jacket was on the back of the kitchen chair. I looked at it at least five times, picking it up and looking closer. Yes, it was Chris' jacket.

I hadn't seen it in years. It was an odd sight on an odd day. Our daughter is thirteen... he should be here to wish her happiness and joy in her teenage years. Although, I know he will watch over her still and strive to help her be on a path that will bring her happiness and joy.

I was crossing the street from my office to the parking lot and someone drove by that made me do a double take. Weird.

After work, I ran downstairs to get some garlic bread out of the freezer. Chris' nose spray was sitting on top of the freezer. He had terrible allergies and that nose spray was a standard... in jean pockets, jackets, the car, everywhere he went, there was the spray. It made me take a look around.

My oldest must be missing his dad. I think he starts to dig his few remaining things out when he is missing him.

But, for it to happen today.... on our little girl's birthday, just made me smile even more.