THE ATONEMENT OF JESUS CHRIST

As I was preparing to speak a few weeks ago, one of the many subjects I contemplated speaking on was the atonement of Jesus Christ and how it works to ease our suffering.  In The Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11 reads:
And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

My sister advised against such a subject on such a sensitive day at church.  Surely we wouldn't want to indicate that even if you lose your child, you need not suffer, because the Savior already did that.  I didn't want to give the impression that they should be just fine.

I did however spend a few weeks contemplating that.  How does that work together?  Is it sinful to mourn at the loss of a child or spouse or another loved one?  Certainly not.  Does it show a lack of faith?  No.  Then how does it work exactly?

I have come to this conclusion:  I can testify that I have felt my burden lightened.  I know I have been able to turn it over to the Lord and He has suffered that pain for me.  I can also testify that despite my faith and trust in the Lord I have morned deeply the loss of my husband.

I believe these two can co-exist perfectly naturally.  The scriptures teach us to "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort".  I know that mourning is needed and natural.  I also know that we can turn some of that pain over to Christ.  He has suffered it for us.  We do not need to feel it all.  If we hold on to all that pain and harbor it - we are simply denying the gift of the atonement He gave us. 

The atonement is what makes good days still come and healing come completely.  It is what makes one know on a bad day, that a good day will soon follow.

Mourning the loss of a loved one is natural.  Missing them.  When we harbor the pain - that is when we need to remember that the Savior suffered this for us.  We can give that burden to Him.

DEATH

So very much has happened lately.. and I have a few thoughts I want to share.  A couple weeks ago a friend of mine suffered the tragedy of losing her son.  He was seven.  His death is unexplainable... the question of why from the perspective of science may never be answered.  He was a healthy little boy one day and not the next.

I had an assignment to speak in her ward at church the day after he passed.  I have never prayed and studied so hard for a speaking assignment.  I didn't know what I should say... so many angles and approaches to view it from.  I felt such a weight.. a burden of responsibility that was exaggerated because I felt this was not by chance.. that I would be speaking there on that Sunday.  Me.  Me who knows death.  I have felt the sting and I have felt the peace.

I have never walked into an assignment having spent more time preparing but with so little clue as to what I would say. I wish I would have prioritized the time to write that day - to capture what I said... but I didn't.  I would like to capture a few thoughts on it here...

I know I began by talking about my own experiences with death.  I did not know death until my grandparents died in my mid to upper 20's.. just a year or two before Chris.  The sting of that death could not compare with what I felt when Chris passed.  I shared of the peace I felt and talked about the fact that we spend a lot of time coming to church.... learning of Christ and testifying of Christ.  But, it is not until you feel that sting of death that you really FEEL it.  You have to look at yourself in the mirror and ask, do I believe it?  Do I really believe it?  Because all of the sudden it REALLY matters.  I talked about that peace and joy of being able to feel Chris' presence after he passed.  Those moments... those tender gifts of his presence.  Where I could feel him holding me... talking to me.... sustaining me.  Tender mercies from God.

I talked about fear.  Peter when he walked on the water.  The storm came in quickly.  Life storms are like that.  We don't have any fancy 'tools' to measure when the storm is coming and how bad it will be... we just live everyday prepared.  And when the storm comes, our natural tendency is fear.  But, we need to realize that God is in control.  He is there to comfort and guide us always.  We must put our faith in Him.  

My storm in life began unexpectedly.  Unlike physical storms in nature that can often be predicted - we often can not predict the storm of life.  We must be prepared always.  Spiritually steadfast and armed with our faith in Christ.  Armed with confidence that we CAN DO hard things through Christ.  Armed with testimony and knowledge of His gospel.  We can walk on water. We can do what He wants us to do and be who He wants us to be.  Through my personal storm the Lord has been there for me.  My heart at times has felt to burst with gratitude for His ever watchful eye and love.  There were times that the storms felt so intense I could not see how I could possibly take another step. My "morning" and "night" prayers were not the same as I felt a constant line and continued communication with God.  I understood more than ever the concept of "praying always" and I felt the love of my Father in Heaven. 

He did not answer my pleas  for peace by calming the storm for a long time.  I felt often that, in contrast, it intensified.  But strength was given to me for every step I took. I felt like Peter on the water and I prayed for calm and was granted the ability to take another step.  The calm did come.... after a long, long storm and many many prayers and petitions for peace.  I distinctly remember receiving a priesthood blessing wherein the elements were commanded to calm.  Once that calming began, I suppose I felt much like one may feel following any treacherous storm.  I was grateful for peace.  There were still cloud covered skies - but I could begin the long and demanding course towards building new again.  The road was long... the work was hard.. but my spiritual muscles grew and eventually I felt I had come out of the clouds and could feel the soothing rays of sunshine. It reached my very core and I felt stillness. 

Despite all the faith we have in Christ... we still feel the pains of life.  He can shoulder much of that pain for us - but that does not mean we will not have bad days... that does not mean tomorrow we are better - never to feel the pain again... it means that we can have more good days than bad days.  It means we can hold on because we know "this too shall pass".

I then talked to the congregation about what they could do.  Henry B. Eyring said we "turn our feelings of sympathy into a decision to act on your covenants". I am confident that any member of that ward, given the opportunity to help or assist in some way, each would be willing.  I encouraged them that each of them would be willing and ready to be instruments in the Lord's hands to serve.   As each of us prayerfully turns to Lord and requests to know how we can be instruments in His hands.. he will guide us and direct us.  We should 'pre-determine' how He wants us to serve... just be humble to follow what inspiration comes, when it comes.  Sometimes that answer may be to serve someone else... we just need to follow what comes.  Continuing the thought of "what to do" I encouraged them to ask.. Know that when you say "let me know how I can help" - it is well meaning buy meaningless.  Ask specifically... "can I mow your lawn", "can I bring you a meal", "do you want to talk".  We should not be afraid to talk about death (the elephant in the room).  Understand if they don't want to see you (this is not about you... space may be needed... it does not reflect their love for you), and finally... memories.  My favorite card I received after Chris passed was from the Rhoton's.  In it Charlotte (their then teenage daughter) shared with me a list of memories she had of Chris.  Priceless.  No matter how trivial it may seem to you... memories are big to those who have lost. 

And when there are "to-do's" there are also "don't-do's"...  Don't try to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense.  Don't tell me God needed him more.  Don't think I deserve what I am going through.  Life happens to each of us.  I don't remember the positive things people said to me after Chris' passing... they just offered comfort.  Comfort from the love I felt in your reaching out.  But, I remember a few that were crazy comments.  I know the people meant well... but they were trying to make sense out of it... or trying to assure me God needed him.  I don't buy either. 

SEVEN YEARS

I was messing around a bit online yesterday and came across a blog of a recent widow.  In the part I read she spoke of her loneliness.  I could so relate to what she was sharing.  I remember that feeling that she described and I remember having those emotions.  I am glad I read it - because in so doing I saw how far I have come.  How that is starting to feel like a memory.  It is no longer a part of my life.  I can't say for sure when the switch flipped for me... perhaps a little over a year ago.  My poor girlfriend who is recently divorced just looks at what a slow healer I have been and always says "I hope I don't have to wait that long".  I think my 'waiting' so long was due in large part to my way of grieving... put it all in a box and when there was a spare second... deal with it.  I somehow was very good at not having free seconds.  I think it was when my oldest was living with his uncle... life really slowed down and cleared out.  The clouds parted and I could start to see what was left in that box to deal with.  Today life is filled with challenges beyond grieving.  Mostly I deal with challenges associated with single parenting. 

My oldest turned sixteen today.  Sixteen!!  Sixteen is nothing like the nine year old he was when his father passed... It seems like a world a way. He is a young man.... looking forward to driving and talking all kind of car talk that has me glazing over.

Seven years ago today Chris was diagnosed with cancer.  The funny thing is... I hardly gave it a second thought today.  Seven years. 

I do believe the blog has been very therapeutic... I have captured the embers from the journey and in so doing I have left the ashes and shut some doors.  Life is not all easy street now... and sometimes when it feels hard I wish Chris was here to take care of it all. But, life is good.  Really really good.  So, for all the newer widows out there hold on to that.   I love my life.  As a whole I really do. 

Happy Sweet Sixteen my son.. I love you, I do.

PUT YOUR TRUST IN GOD

It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is.
It all works out. Don’t worry.
I say that to myself every morning.
It will all work out.
Put your trust in God,
and move forward with faith
and confidence in the future.
The Lord will not forsake us.
He will not forsake us.
If we will put our trust in Him,
if we will pray to Him,
if we will live worthy of His blessings,
He will hear our prayers.
- Gordon B. Hinckley

HIGH SCHOOL

My daughter (the middle child) came home from school today and asked if I would help her with her schedule for next year... her HIGH SCHOOL schedule. As I sat listening to her tell me what was and wasn't working and what questions she had, I just kept thinking how small and young she seemed to me. High School? Really? In less than six months. And as I sat there thinking that... I realized how far away we are from what we were when Chris was here.

TRYING TO CLIMB TO THE TOP

I can't believe I have been unemployed for ten weeks now. I have rested some. In fact this morning I went back to bed after I got the kids off. It was a busy weekend and I just felt the need for a tad bit extra rest. Of course I laid there thinking of what else I have to accomplish. I have cleaned out the basement (just need to paint the walls), cleaned out the attic, the closets, my bedroom that collects all.... but there is some painting and a garage and lawn that are still calling my name (of course it will have to stop snowing and raining for me to get out in the lawn).

It feels really good. Physically it changes the way I feel, having taken the time to get my life in order. I am not there yet, but I am surprised at the physical change it has brought on me. It gives me more energy and life. I feel less trodden down. I want to catch up my personal journal on the events of the past year or so, I need to reach out to a couple friends I have not seen, I need to make it to the temple this month, and I want to start working on some family heritage activities (namely trying to see if I have any pictures of the children from the past ten years that I should organize).

Oh... and I need to find a job. :) I think Hollywood is calling... gotta run.

I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT

The amount of healing that has taken place over the last year plus is huge. The cloud is gone, that once was a constant. The time I have had these past couple months not working... but just cleaning up my life... have been a tremendous blessing - but there is more to do.

I need to THRIVE. I need to LIVE my life in such a way that I can look at it and know I am doing my best. I need to break out of the patterns and behaviors I have adopted in my attempt to survive... and I need to return to THRIVING. My friend "S" is going to help me do it. Actually, we are going to help each other do it. She is not a widow.. but many of us for all sorts of different reasons find ourselves simply surviving in life and forget that we should be thriving.

We have six areas of focus: Spiritual, Emotional and Physical health, relationships, work (home or me actually finding a job again... I do need to do that), FUN, and service.

I am looking forward to our adventure together. I will write about it some through the process. I encourage you to join us. Take stock. How is your life? Are you thriving?? :)