MY BOOK OF EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING A BETTER BLOGGER

I don't typically use this site to truly log in like a diary... but I have not exactly been keeping up on my journal either.

I committed to myself that all that was captured here would be the embers.. and all ashes would be left behind. I hope today's entry does not stray from that commitment too much.

Let me just take a moment to say... I hope to get back to blogging soon. My goal was one year. I did well... for quite a while... but I have been bad about it lately. Perhaps I need to update my goal to be 365 posts.

I don't mean to make excuses for my lack of writing... but I know my fellow widows will understand that sometimes life just hits you from all directions. I wish I could offer some consoling words that eventually it stops. I will say I am better equipped, emotionally and otherwise, to handle the storms... but the storms continue to rage.

In the last six months my oldest moved back home after a hiatus of living with his uncle and their family. He has on multiple occasions tested the boundaries, I am certain as a way of questioning if he will be 'sent away' again. He continually comments that life was better there. I know he loved his time there - but I think the comments are just a way for him to test and see if I am going to send him back. He is looking for reaction. His grades are not good. I made the decision to hire a tutor to come in every day. Financially it put a pinch on things - but the stress it has removed from me is huge. He has been vocal about his feelings / or lack of feelings regarding the existence of God. I treaded lightly on those waters, as for any who read here regularly know that my faith in God is unwavering. I credit Him for getting me here today. sane (or at least pretty close to it). I have felt his watchful eye and caring hand for me and my family. There is a part of me that would react with anger at the mere mention that God does not exist. For - how could my son be so ungrateful. We have so much. God has truly compensated in our lives for the loss of my husband. I bit my tongue... spent many hours on multiple occasions listening and did a lot of praying to know when to stop biting my tongue (it was starting to hurt) and when to open my mouth and what to say when I did. Currently we are taking a hiatus from his life of "atheism". He commented to me the other day that things are better at home. We are all getting along better. I could tell you the moment it changed. And perhaps I will someday. For now, I will just say that my Father in Heaven truly loves me. He is there for me and answers my prayers in time. I was given the strength to endure and the words to say when needed. I don't believe that battle is over - but it has quited for now. His behavior in church was such that he was "eliminated" from his Sunday School class. I feel badly for the poor Bishopric member who showed up at my house and had to witness my tears and pleading that SOMEONE would help me in my efforts of single parenting. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is perfect in its organization. As 'men' we are not always perfect in carrying it out. I 'should' have resources available to me... a home teacher.. a Young Men's president, something. I felt alone. I am tired of trying to do it alone. This poor man had to sit and endure my tears and pleadings for help. After he left I got a hold of myself and stopped feeling sorry for myself and realized that my oldest may not have 'local' support like I wish he did - but because of my calling at church he has the attention and interest of the Stake YM President and his councilors.. they seek him out.. they call him at home. They challenge him to complete things and to stretch himself. They have a relationship with him. We are not without anyone... God fills in where needed.

My calling at church has taken some time for me to begin to settle in to. I still feel very inadequate and out of my element... but I am starting to 'settle' and 'catch up' on all that needs to be done.

I have been given a date for my last day at work. Up and down... up and down...they have finally eliminated my position. This is not a surprise. I saw it coming for a long time. They have taken care of me on my departure... another blessing from above. I suppose I should be concerned... single mother and all... but even my kids are looking forward to it. My friend's eight-year old son asked me what I was going to do. I told him I am going to just be a mom for awhile. I miss that.

All this and more has encompassed the last few months of my life. The addition to it all is I am dating someone who is wonderful. Finding the time to dedicate to fostering that relationship is near impossible.. but as with everything in single parenthood it becomes a game of prioritization. Less gets done around the house in exchange for time with someone great. But - alas I am and always have been a bit of a 'freak show'. So, while the entrance of this person is wonderful... there are a slew of emotions to cope with along the way. Perhaps I will touch more on that another day.... I could say a lot about that.

My good girlfriend is undergoing chemo for breast cancer. She just started a week or two ago. My husband's cousin was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My friend from work is working on recovering from non-hodgkin's lymphoma, and a friend from my b.w. life (that is Before Widowhood) is battling cancer with her young son. I am looking forward to some time of not working.. perhaps will give me a chance to give back to everyone that has given to me.

I'd say enough whining!! On to blogging!!! But - really I hope you read this with the right tone. I am not whining. I still testify that my Father in Heaven loves and cares for me. He knows me. And He must see potential for more growth in me... cause the storms still rage. I am glad He has confidence in me! :)

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

My kids have developed a few bad habits over the past six years. One of which is, they feel as though they are - to a degree - equal to me. Now, I believe these precious little children are spirit children of a Heavenly Father and I have been blessed to be able to be a steward over them for a time - to help them develop and grow and be all they are capable of being. But, in their minds - what's fair is fair. So, when I chastise them for something - they retort by listing all my faults. They seem to believe that I think I am perfect. They don't realize I can list my faults better than any of them. I had enough of it a couple nights ago, as on occasion when one starts - they all start and it turns into one big Bash on Mom Fest. I was sick of it. I stood up - told them to cut it out and reminded them that I am trying. I have the responsibility of Mom and Dad and it leaves me unable to do either perfectly, in fact I am very far from perfect - but I am trying. They complained that I am never home after school. I pointed out the obvious that I have to work... so they can eat, and have a house to live in, etc. A great big life insurance policy would have been nice - but was not the lot in life I have been given.

There was a short time a year after Chris had passed that I was on the brink of insanity. I couldn't handle all that was going on with my job and my kids and maintain any sense of normalcy in life in general... in fact I don't think I could have maintained any sense of abnormal either. I had been able to put some money away and I quit my job and went back to school for a semester. My classes were all during the days and I was always able to be home when the kids got home from school. It was wonderful. I baked them cookies everyday for when they got home.

In retrospect, my hiatus didn't afford me a leap in terms of sanity. When I went back to work at a new job five months later I was still struggling to keep my head above water. I guess the only thing it did for me was make me realize that life was crazy. Working was necessary. And not working for a spell didn't help me 'gain control' in the long run. Now, not working at all... well... that would be nice. Being able to bake fresh chocolate chip cookies everyday would be nice. Being able to have my kids tell me about their day over cookies and milk would be nice. But being able to pay my bills is nicer.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

It was an interesting Thanksgiving this year. I was very pensive and reflective. I was very much longing for "home". Longing for time with my sisters and parents (you too baby bro - but you are far far away). I spent a lot of my day thinking how things have changed over the past six years.

My mother-in-law used to live in town and holidays were always spent with her. She moved about a year after Chris' passing. Since then I have had an assortment of different ways to spend my holidays. I have had some with just me and the kids, one with my family, and others with friends.

I spent time wondering what I wanted. How did I want to spend my holidays - and wondering what the future would bring in terms of traditions. Would my kids feel as though we had any - or was the change so constant they won't be able to identify any traditions? Every year has been different. I may think I am going to start a tradition, but it only lasts a year or two. Is it time to settle in and create some substance? Some traditions? I think it is.

REALLY?

I just had a weekend to myself. Kinda. Well, more to myself than I have had in my entire life I believe. It was weird... but so nice. I had so many thoughts and so much to blog... but my lack of internet access was a bit of a hold up. It was a milestone trip for me in more ways than one... stay tuned.. I'll share.

I returned home and it was great to see my kids. I get so used to them being around, I didn't know what to do with myself solo!! My daughter informed me that I needed to get water. Oops... I never did that. I had gotten a couple jugs - but they didn't last while I was gone. I immediately inquired how Kyle was. She informed me that she had refilled one of the jugs with tap water - and so Kyle didn't know. Brilliant. I gave her a high five for that quick thinking.

Unfortunately, I didn't think to check and see if we still had a bottle filled. We didn't. Kyle didn't eat breakfast this morning. He sat playing with his oatmeal stating it was too hard to eat when he was so thirsty! really? Dude!!! Drink the tap water! It is OK!!!

INVINCIBLE SUMMER

Sometimes when you need a good thought for the day, may I suggest you pull out the chocolate? There are so many reasons for pulling out the chocolate - such as the advantage of increasing your serotonin levels.

But, sometimes you need the mental wellness that comes with it. It may take several attempts to find the perfect thought... just keep eating until you open the perfect one. I like this thought for today:

In life's winter, find your invincible summer.-Linda, New York, NY (Dove Chocolate)

FIGHTING

Often I feel like I am fighting to be able to keep fighting. That probably doesn’t even make sense… but there seems to be this fine line between letting go (with the kids) in a responsible and controlled way.. and letting go because I don’t have the energy to do it any longer.

I HAVE CREATED A MONSTER

I have written before about my 'changes' that I made after Chris' death. My youngest was five when all these changes took place. They have become normal and necessary parts of his life. Culligan water is a staple. He panics when we run out. We are out right now, and hopefully I will remember over lunch hour tomorrow to stop and pick some up. My son is very thirsty tonight. I have seen him in the kitchen repeatedly looking for water. No matter how many times he looks... we still only have the water that comes out of the faucet. It is past bedtime. I am actually finding a few minutes to relax this evening. I heard him in the kitchen grumbling about how thirsty he is but that there is no water. I assured him that he could drink the water from the faucet... he will be OK. A couple minutes later I heard the microwave running and heard him getting ice. I asked what he was up to and he revealed that he had a great plan! He was heating the water in the microwave to kill all the germs. Then he would put it on ice (I didn't have the heart to tell him the ice is made from water from the faucet). He even was planning to do some extra so he could have water in the morning! I commended him for his fantastic plan. He quietly asked that I would please get water tomorrow so he had something to drink. I'll try. I promise I'll try. In the meantime, thankfully he has some ingenuity.