Tuesday, November 30, 2010


My kids have developed a few bad habits over the past six years. One of which is, they feel as though they are - to a degree - equal to me. Now, I believe these precious little children are spirit children of a Heavenly Father and I have been blessed to be able to be a steward over them for a time - to help them develop and grow and be all they are capable of being. But, in their minds - what's fair is fair. So, when I chastise them for something - they retort by listing all my faults. They seem to believe that I think I am perfect. They don't realize I can list my faults better than any of them. I had enough of it a couple nights ago, as on occasion when one starts - they all start and it turns into one big Bash on Mom Fest. I was sick of it. I stood up - told them to cut it out and reminded them that I am trying. I have the responsibility of Mom and Dad and it leaves me unable to do either perfectly, in fact I am very far from perfect - but I am trying. They complained that I am never home after school. I pointed out the obvious that I have to work... so they can eat, and have a house to live in, etc. A great big life insurance policy would have been nice - but was not the lot in life I have been given.

There was a short time a year after Chris had passed that I was on the brink of insanity. I couldn't handle all that was going on with my job and my kids and maintain any sense of normalcy in life in general... in fact I don't think I could have maintained any sense of abnormal either. I had been able to put some money away and I quit my job and went back to school for a semester. My classes were all during the days and I was always able to be home when the kids got home from school. It was wonderful. I baked them cookies everyday for when they got home.

In retrospect, my hiatus didn't afford me a leap in terms of sanity. When I went back to work at a new job five months later I was still struggling to keep my head above water. I guess the only thing it did for me was make me realize that life was crazy. Working was necessary. And not working for a spell didn't help me 'gain control' in the long run. Now, not working at all... well... that would be nice. Being able to bake fresh chocolate chip cookies everyday would be nice. Being able to have my kids tell me about their day over cookies and milk would be nice. But being able to pay my bills is nicer.

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