Are you going to be OK?
Of course I am.
But inside you are crying harder than you have ever cried and you wonder... will I? Will I really be OK?
______
Get away from it all and cry. I don't look pretty when I cry. No one needs to see that. But I did need to cry. And cry. And cry.
______
Doesn't death seem easier? I just want to go so I can join him. Why didn't he die when we were old... so we could have been one of those couples that die within days of each other?
Showing posts with label Anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anger. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION
The signs were evident from the very beginning that my oldest son would not take the same path as the other two children in healing and grieving his father's death. Not that any one's path is the same - but his would be longer and more painful and difficult.
Within a couple months of Chris' death I was in contact with Hospice (or perhaps they were in contact with me). They had a wonderful woman who was working as a Counselor specifically for children. She would come to the house and talk to the children. My oldest refused to have anything to do with it. We tried the counselor at school. They pulled him out of class almost everyday to visit with the counselor. This did not seem to help either. We did things at home, that I hoped helped - but he needed more than what I could offer him. For two years this game continued. I tried to let him be - wondering if he could work through it. No. He was angry. He was angry that me and the other two children had somehow 'moved on' and forgotten. I tried to assure him, we had not forgotten. I think of Chris every day. Everyone just shows their emotions a little differently.
I asked around regarding an excellent male (I had determined he needed a male) children's psychologist who had knowledge and expertise in grieving. I didn't want someone who would classify him as depressed or some other label - I needed someone who would know what to do and how to work through this process with him. I had no luck in finding what I was looking for.
I was in for my yearly check-up with the doctor, and different that any other time I have been in for a similar appointment, the Nurse Practitioner saw me. She was interested in how things were - was I healing, were the children? I shared with her a little of what was going on and my frustration in finding what I was looking for in a Children's Psychologist. She told me that she thought she knew of someone who might help. He had a great reputation and she had heard a lot of good things about him. I eagerly accepted his contact information.
Making the phone call to his office just a day later, I inquired regarding his expertise and experience. He sounded as if he could be a match. We made our first appointment and took the hour long drive to his office. On the way up I talked with my son about how this would be a waste of time unless he wanted to feel differently. This doctor could help him, but only if he wanted to let go of some of the anger that he was feeling. He was surprisingly receptive. I was grateful.
Our first appointment went well and we established a pattern of every other week on Thursday nights or Saturday morning. The drive up provided us some quality time to visit and he was making progress. I began to see less anger, more smiling. After one year I was amazed at how far he had come. I was so grateful.
I was grateful to my Father in Heaven, for his divine intervention in giving me the nurse practitioner that day, not the doctor. For the nurse, that I had never met before, who cared enough to ask how the kids and I were doing. For a doctor, who cared and for my son being open to healing.
We had made some steps in the right direction.
Within a couple months of Chris' death I was in contact with Hospice (or perhaps they were in contact with me). They had a wonderful woman who was working as a Counselor specifically for children. She would come to the house and talk to the children. My oldest refused to have anything to do with it. We tried the counselor at school. They pulled him out of class almost everyday to visit with the counselor. This did not seem to help either. We did things at home, that I hoped helped - but he needed more than what I could offer him. For two years this game continued. I tried to let him be - wondering if he could work through it. No. He was angry. He was angry that me and the other two children had somehow 'moved on' and forgotten. I tried to assure him, we had not forgotten. I think of Chris every day. Everyone just shows their emotions a little differently.
I asked around regarding an excellent male (I had determined he needed a male) children's psychologist who had knowledge and expertise in grieving. I didn't want someone who would classify him as depressed or some other label - I needed someone who would know what to do and how to work through this process with him. I had no luck in finding what I was looking for.
I was in for my yearly check-up with the doctor, and different that any other time I have been in for a similar appointment, the Nurse Practitioner saw me. She was interested in how things were - was I healing, were the children? I shared with her a little of what was going on and my frustration in finding what I was looking for in a Children's Psychologist. She told me that she thought she knew of someone who might help. He had a great reputation and she had heard a lot of good things about him. I eagerly accepted his contact information.
Making the phone call to his office just a day later, I inquired regarding his expertise and experience. He sounded as if he could be a match. We made our first appointment and took the hour long drive to his office. On the way up I talked with my son about how this would be a waste of time unless he wanted to feel differently. This doctor could help him, but only if he wanted to let go of some of the anger that he was feeling. He was surprisingly receptive. I was grateful.
Our first appointment went well and we established a pattern of every other week on Thursday nights or Saturday morning. The drive up provided us some quality time to visit and he was making progress. I began to see less anger, more smiling. After one year I was amazed at how far he had come. I was so grateful.
I was grateful to my Father in Heaven, for his divine intervention in giving me the nurse practitioner that day, not the doctor. For the nurse, that I had never met before, who cared enough to ask how the kids and I were doing. For a doctor, who cared and for my son being open to healing.
We had made some steps in the right direction.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
ANGER
People ask me sometimes if I am ever mad at my husband for dying.
I sometimes feel like he got out easy. I am left to raise three kids and support them emotionally and financially while raising them to be strong contributing members of society. That is not an easy task. My oldest has had a hard time accepting and adjusting to his dad's death. He has had a lot of anger, and I am sure out of 'safety' takes it all out on me. We have struggled through so many struggles and in my moments of despair, when I don't think I have the strength or the energy to keep up the fight... in those moments I miss him. I need him. I yearn for him. I am not angry with him, because if I sit still and let my heart be still, I can feel him. I can feel his pain as he watches my trials with no way of physically helping me. I do not doubt he has shed tears as he has witnessed mine.
With the same thought I am not angry at God. He is all I have some days. No matter what - He has not left me. When I married my husband - we made a promise to God. With that promise our marriage became a three-way bond. Me, my husband and God. My husband may not be able to be here like he was - but God is here even more. When I turn to Him for help, if I am but patient, the help always comes.
I sometimes feel like he got out easy. I am left to raise three kids and support them emotionally and financially while raising them to be strong contributing members of society. That is not an easy task. My oldest has had a hard time accepting and adjusting to his dad's death. He has had a lot of anger, and I am sure out of 'safety' takes it all out on me. We have struggled through so many struggles and in my moments of despair, when I don't think I have the strength or the energy to keep up the fight... in those moments I miss him. I need him. I yearn for him. I am not angry with him, because if I sit still and let my heart be still, I can feel him. I can feel his pain as he watches my trials with no way of physically helping me. I do not doubt he has shed tears as he has witnessed mine.
With the same thought I am not angry at God. He is all I have some days. No matter what - He has not left me. When I married my husband - we made a promise to God. With that promise our marriage became a three-way bond. Me, my husband and God. My husband may not be able to be here like he was - but God is here even more. When I turn to Him for help, if I am but patient, the help always comes.
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