MISSING CHRIS

My husband was blessed with the talent of a beautiful voice. I loved to hear him sing. He would sing in the shower... sing while he worked... and on rare occasion, perform.

When I was a teenager and had wisely made a list of the qualities I would someday want in my future husband, one of the important items on that list was musical ability. I was thinking of my unborn children. I can not sing. No, I take that back - I can - and I do... but it is not enjoyed by most.

One time (long, long ago... in a lifetime that was good and normal) my husband was on the piano and was playing some songs. I was singing along a little (as I have never been one to keep my inability to hit a correct note from the fun and games of singing and karaoke). Chris stopped. Looked at me, and said "come here". I walked over to the piano. He played one note. "Sing that", he said. I tried. A painful expression crossed his and the children's face. He played the note again, "No, really try". I again belted what was the closest to that note I could muster. Painful expressions again crossed every one's faces. I retorted with a "Stop it! I am trying!".

My kids still talk about that day. They thought it was very funny. Of course, it is easy to find humor in one's lack of ability when you have been blessed with that ability. I have tried to explain to the children my wisdom and foresight in choosing a husband with the talent to sing... and that they should thank me for the talent they posses.

Last night I came home from work and my daughter was not in a very good mood. She started fighting with everything that I said. I was tired (as I am most nights when I walk in), I went to my room to change my clothes and laid down on my bed to decompress for a few minutes. I turned the radio on and after a bit my daughter came in with a sulky face. I told her to lay down and rest with me. She glared at me. I pulled her down onto the bed and she laid there stiff as a board. Then, a familiar tune came on the radio and I started to belt out the words. My daughter continued to glare at me. As the song progressed every time I would belt a note - she would (in a singers "ahhh" kind of way) hit the correct note and give me a look like, "try this note". She continued as I continued singing loudly. As we played our little game I couldn't help but laugh. She was acting like her dad. She is blessed with his beautiful voice and talent. I hugged her, kissed her cheek... told her I missed her daddy and continued singing... and she continued to try and correct me.

I'D BE LIEING IF I SAID I DIDN'T WISH

The life of Sarah and Abraham was not one void of trials. They faced many trials along their path. No doubt, those trials worked together for their good to increase their faith in Christ. Imagine the faith it would take to believe:

And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her. Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear? Genesis 17: 16, 17

But Sarah had faith:

Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised. Hebrews 11:11

Because their faith had been given opportunity to grow through their trials, Abraham and Sarah were prepared to prove their willingness to the Lord and sacrifice their son. They followed the Father's will in faith. Abraham made it as far as having Issac on the alter before the Lord stopped him.

I don't think I have ever felt as much faith in my life as I did the day my husband died. I can imagine a small piece of what Abraham felt. Except, I knew how the story of Abraham and Issac ended. I knew the Lord just wanted to test him - and then his son would return to him.

As I stood in the hospital room when my husband lay on the verge of this life and the next, I was willing. I was willing to give him to my Father in Heaven. I was willing to let go. But I would be lieing if I said I didn't wish. Wish that this was my test. That I had to be pushed this far. That he was before me about to cross to the other side - and I just need to prove to the Lord that I would believe Him... even unto death. That I would trust in Him. And then once I did, my husband would be healed. And much like Abraham and Isaac walked back down off that mountain, my husband and I could walk out of that hospital.

I guess the difference was that for me, this was just the beginning. For Abraham and Sarah, this was closer to the end of their trials that would prove them qualified for the promised blessings.

EASTER

Sometimes I don't feel like playing the role that parents should play on holidays. When it is late and the kids are in bed and I should be busily getting ready for the next day...

The house is quiet and in those moments of stillness I miss the company... the companionship of doing it with someone. Or the ability to make someone else do it. Or the complaining that I have to do it. :)

Last Easter my kids walked to the Hallmark store and bought me a present and some candy. They made me an Easter Basket and hid it. I had no idea. In moments like that, I thank God for giving me such good kids.

I love these kids. I love that I can still see their father in them. I love that they are patient (sometimes) with my inability to be the perfect mom and dad at the same time.

I am grateful that I have them to force me to celebrate the holidays!

HE LIVES!

My Savior. My Redeemer.

He has walked by my side and carried my burden when it was too much for me alone.

He has heard and answered my prayers.

He never leaves us, we only leave Him.

COUPLES

I am trying to adjust... but sometimes it still bothers me. The whole feeling of being the 3rd wheel... or 5th wheel... or whatever number - Me being there makes it an odd number. I suppose 5th is better than 3rd.

To be the 3rd wheel means there are two women and the poor husband doesn't get any company. At least if I am the 5th wheel there are already two men, so I can just chime in with the women in their conversation.

But, it is odd. More than just an odd number, for some reason I feel odd. I guess it is that whole environment of "couples".... and there I am.

Do you know what else has become harder? Having company for dinner. What couple wants to come over for dinner? The poor husband has to engage in conversation with two women or the children. There is no counter-part for 'testosterone based' conversation. Unless I invite TWO couples for dinner... but then you have to make sure they are both solid shows. Because to have a no-show, leaves the one man out. And you have to make sure they are couples whose male counterparts enjoy each other.

I don't like not being a couple some days.

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
6. Be confident in being you. Because now you are not defined by the 'couple' that you are - but only by you and who you are. (This is why as a widow I found myself drawn to the song, "Who I Am". You have to define yourself)

FRIENDS

Steve Harvey said, "It's almost virtually impossible for a man to be a woman's friend. The only reason we're your friend [is because] you've made it perfectly clear it will go no further than this."

So, is it a girl thing? It is really true that men can not be friends with women? Because, you know what would be perfect for a widow? A friend. A guy friend. Someone who you could go out with when your bored... who could fix broken things around the house... someone to talk to and glean the 'male perspective' from. Just a friend.

Sometimes the complications of a relationship, the emotions and the expectations, are just too much to deal with on top of everything else going on in life. But, the simpleness of a good friendship would be so ideal. The question is, if you have that friendship... and it seems to be working... is it only because, as a woman, you are completely naive to the fact that the man is just sitting around waiting for things to change?

Lesson Manual: How to Be a Widow
5. Realize as much as you want a friend, you may not ever find a friend of the male assortment. :) Can men and women really be "just friends"?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE DIE

"All things come from Heavenly Father. Birds, fish, trees, people. They are born. They live. And they die. Everything dies."

That is how the book What Happens When People Die begins.

Consider this nothing more than a plug for that book. For anyone who has children suffering a loss. It is profound and it is simple.

It ends... "It is sad when people die. But it's not forever. Their spirits live on. And we can all be together again. Someday. Until then, we gather our loved ones around us. We think about those who have died and tell stories about them. And we thank Heavenly Father and Jesus for making a way... that we can be together again."

I don't remember who gave me this book after Chris died. But I am glad they did. So, thank you to whomever it was! I love it. :)